Do I tell FWB I’m pregnant?

[CocoJaguar]

Name change as I do not want this to be linked to previous posts- .
I have no idea what to do- I’m 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I have a surgical termination booked for in two weeks time. I am 29 years old, FWB is early 50s and has two grown up children in their early 20s. He split from wife of 25 years earlier this year. We’ve been sleeping together since September- I was taking the pill but antibiotics caused me to vomit after taking it, I am now pregnant. I am so ashamed to be pregnant. I have never wanted kids but worry FWB will think I have done this on purpose or won’t trust that it’s ‘safe’ to see me again.
We have a great time together, do weekends away etc. It’s FWB as in the future I want to get married to the right man, whereas he isn’t yet divorced and doesn’t seem keen on marrying again. He has previously said he loves me but I take it with a pinch of salt.
He is currently on holiday with his children, I haven’t told him about the pregnancy. Do I tell him on his return?
My mood swings between;

1. don’t tell him, terminate and continue as normal
2. don’t tell him but end it, it’s a sign to move in
3. tell him and there’s a risk he will end it with me, it may scare him and be a wake up call to how young I am etc
4. tell him and he unexpectedly wants us to continue with the pregnancy

If he wanted to continue with the pregnancy, I don’t know how I would feel. I’ve had moments where I’ve considered continuing with it if we were in a relationship. I absolutely cannot be a single parent- my property is small, I don’t have family support and my salary (45K) wouldn’t cover bills and nursery fees. Plus, I don’t want to do this alone.
what should I do? Has anybody else kept a termination a secret from the man involved?
I don’t fear any kind of violence or abuse, my greatest fear is him ending the relationship we have. Then I would regret ever telling him.

I wouldn’t tell him, terminate and end the situationship.

It took me getting pregnant by my FWB to finally move on and I look back and realised how many years I had wasted on him.

I did tell him about the pregnancy and my plan was always to have a termination but I regret telling him and wish I never did (although I guess his reaction did help me move on from him).

You are still young but you are getting older.
Don’t waste any more time on a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.

I wouldn’t tell him, there’s no way on earth he’ll want this baby and will think you tried to trap him. My advice is to have a termination and finish this relationship.

I think you should tell him and see what he says. Lay your cards on the table as you have here but be prepared to hear he is not ready and if he isn't then terminate and move on. I think you'll regret any decisions made without having full information.

Saved me typing it out!

How are you talking about feeling adored and wanting to marry him and also saying he's a FWB?
If you feel that way about him, tell him. You risk it ending but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Surely you can't carry on in this nothing half way relationship with someone you appear to be in love with?

@CocoJaguar

A dilemma for only you to solve you I'm afraid

Option 2 says "move in" - do you mean "move on"? Freudian slip?

There's a lot of contradictions in your posts.

You say it's just FWB but then you said you would consider a relationship and will miss him if it ends. It sounds like you would be happy with more than FWB if offered?

You also say you want to get married to the right man in further? Is so, why are you wasting time on this? You also said you eoukd marry him? That's not FWB, you seem overly involved?

I might be way off but are you hoping that if you do tell him that it might move your relationship from FWB to actual partners? If so, it's wrong to use a pregnancy/child to try do thus?

Oh sweetheart, what a pickle - sending massive hugs your way.

How long have you known him? Because FWB usually implies that friendship came first...if you have only known him since September, that's not really the case.

How much do you really know about him - the reasons he is divorcing and whether he is a good father to his existing children.

It is very early for you to already be having nausea and food aversions... just putting it out there that early nausea can be one of the first signs of hyperemesis gravidarum. And there are later pregnancy complications which also require support. Pregnancy is a very hard journey for many women, even with a supportive partner.

I think an early termination is a good choice for you. I think there are charities that offer counselling which would be helpful for you x

I was taking the pill but antibiotics caused me to vomit after taking it, I am now pregnant. oh come on

I think you have to accept that as a recently separated person he is potentially unlikely to be a long term partner. But I say that as a stranger on the internet. He deserves to know whatever you decide. Make the decision for you, not because of his possibly panicked and maybe temporary opinion.

No marriage is guaranteed forever - you only have to spend 20 minutes on Mumsnet to see that. You ARE pregnant now with a life inside you. Don't make his reaction the reason you decide anything. He may come out and surprise you now, or in the future. He might be a great later in life dad. Or he may not. But if you want to be a parent, you are now one whether it's the ideal situation or not.

at least be honest

Going against everyone else I would tell him... it sounds like you DO think he is the one and do actually want a family with him because you would continue if he stays.

Him not being divorced yet is a minor spanner in the works but its not the be all and end all of anything if he wants to be with you. If hes separated he can just make a new will to disinherit his spouse and include your baby along with his other children if thats the worry but you need to talk to him not mumsnet.

There's nothing wrong with being with a man in his fifties.

The best boyfriend I ever had was when I was 27, and I dated a 52 year old.

We don't have to date people exactly the same age as us.

Also, just noticed you are waiting two weeks for surgical option...could you do medical option instead and move forward this week. The nausea will end within the hour of taking the pill.

OP if I was in your position I wouldn't tell him, terminate and use it as a sign to end the FWB thing. Plus the age difference will feel very apparent in just a few years time when he hits his 60s and him having kids your age will be very weird for them and may create alot of confused and maybe even hostile feelings for them even though you're all adults.

Big hugs OP ending a pregnancy is a hard decision to make and hope you have some RL support too. Xx

End the pregnancy ( I would of thought medical would be less risky than surgical, but maybe wrong on that).
Then give your head a wobble as to wtf you have been wasting your time on! If you want a a DH and DC's eventually, you are totally delaying that possibility by dating a married man in his 50's ( who doubtless has lots of baggage and may not even be as separated as you think).
Is he the best you can do? Surely not, you need to have a better plan as this guy only sounds like your ideal only because you crave adulation and he's obliging - I bet he is, probably can't believe he's bagged someone of your youth.
Make a list of qualities and abilities if you have to, and remind yourself regularly of what you really need, as this man is a very poor option.
BTW, weekends away, adulation, attention - doubt you are fwb, a holding situationship maybe, that gets you further from your goals as time passes. If you were fwb, you'd both be fine seeing others and would be taking precautions to protect against sti's hopefully. If he absolutely does not want more DC's, then he's a fool to be dating women of your age without taking his own preventative measures too.

Wow. Why are people so ageist on here.

There is nothing at all wrong with dating a man in his fiftes!

She was using protection, it failed, it happens. That doesn't make anyone irresponsible. Irresponsible would be not knowing which one was the Dad or not using any protection or having a kid she doesn't want

If he loves you like he says he does then he would want to know and would support whatever decision you make.

In general, no there’s not if everyone is happy. But considering there’s a 20+ year age gap here and OP wants marriage and kids, a partner already in his early 50’s isn’t particularly compatible with that and it’s naive to suggest otherwise.

Eh Why isnt a man in his fifties compatible with having kids?

Men in their fifties can have children.

I was watching an interview with Hugh Grant recently, and he was talking about his children.

He only started having children when he was in his fifties.

I'd just tell him and take things from there, its hard to make any decisions without knowing what the FWB reaction will be. Plus am a little grossed out at the age difference between you two but you must have found him attractive. I'd end things tbh but it's not my decision

Tell him!
Worst case he dumps you, at least you know where you stand and can move on.
Possible case, you decide together this isn’t the moment for a pregnancy but do open up a conversation about what you both want in the future together.
Or, he might go for it with you.
Given the options you set out above, you’re basically going to end it either way but that doesn’t sound like what you want? And if you terminate and don’t tell him you’ll either carry on with this massive secret between you, or you’ll walk away anyway.

The average lifespan of a man is around 79. This man is early 50’s, so lets say 53, potentially 54 by the time baby is born. That means potentially at 25 the child loses their dad and at 54 OP loses her husband and the father of her child? You can’t see how that’s not an ideal set up or one you’d choose for yourself? Not to mention that OP could be a carer for him long before then, in her 40s or 50s.

Also, the man here already has kids, the same age as OP.

Yes I would choose that set up for myself.

I do think that you're talking in a very ageist way.

I know my best friends dad was 54 when she was born.

Men in their fifties have lives and have children!

Are you seriously saying that no men in their fifties should have kids? That's a pretty shocking thing to say. Are you going to castrate them all once they turn 50?