Alcoholic DP...is it over?

[Morry15]

Been with alcoholic DP for 18 months. Met OLD. Told me 5 months into dating he had some 'issues' with alcohol

Had no idea how bad it was.

Fast forward, AA meetings, therapy, in-house rehab. He's been drinking the whole time.

Last Thursday was the last straw. Met up, was drunk (he denied it initially, then admitted to it). Had argument. Haven't spoken since.

Had tried to leave in the past but felt like I was giving up on him.

I know it's the right thing for us not to be together but I'm still sad.

Just need a handhold I guess.

Withdrawal shakes 😞

Yep. Mine was like that too, usually when we were out with the kids and he couldn't drink without showing himself up. I should have known by that sign that he was absolutely, definitely drinking at work.

Did he clean up after himself and do his fair share of tasks? Or you were expected to do it all?

To be honest, if his worst issues were being a messy eater and dropping things, I could overlook that no problem, as long as he cleaned up after himself.

There is no human being in existence who doesn’t have challenging traits.

Messy eating and dropping things I’m afraid for me are not noteworthy.
I am more concerned with ascertaining if this person is kind, do they have my back, can aI rely on them when or if the shit hits the fan, and most import - does this person respect me and treat me with courtesy, how this person eats is the least of my worries.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s heartbreaking to care about someone but know you need to walk away. You’ve given so much, it’s okay to feel sad and still know it’s the right decision.

Read the thread. The issue isn’t messy eating. That’s just a physical sign of damage from alcohol.

Hello

The messy eating was more because of withdrawal to alcohol which meant he'd been drinking ALL day and when we would meet he'd have to stop hence the shaking, then the dinner situation.

There were also the no-shows for dates (as he'd passed out and forgot we were due to meet).

if he was just a 'messy eater', it wouldn't be an issue. I could 100% live with that. As a PP statesd, it's a physical sign of alcohol withdrawal.

@Morry15
ive just read through your thread.

I would breathe a sigh of relief that you are no longer in the situation and move swiftly on.

blocking him was the right thing to do because you need a refresh and to move forward now

Hello everyone. Happy Sunday.

Struggling alot today. Not sure why (if it's the holidays or just generally feeling flat).

Have been thinking about exDP (again, no urge to contact him but wondering if he is doing ok). I know he's not my problem, but these thoughts just keep creeping in.

I'm abroad at the moment and to be honest I thought me being away would make it easier to not have these thoughts but that hasn't been the case so far.

It's natural for the wondering and worrying to come and go - especially on festival dates. It's very similar to grief in that way.

Just hold on in there. You are doing really well.

Find something to distract yourself.

It's normal to think about him and to wonder how he's doing. I still think about my ex and wonder how he's doing that day sometimes, and I most definitely don't want to get back together with him. What matters is what you do with the thoughts. It is very early days still so accept that you are going to have some confusing thoughts and feelings, but also keep reminding yourself of what you ultimately want (and perhaps more usefully, what you DON'T want from a relationship). If you don't contact him, there's no harm done. They're just thoughts and as time goes by they will lessen and settle down.

Let yourself feel the grief. This is a loss, and like other losses it will come around from time to time. Be nice to yourself, and in time the hurt will fade. But you do have to feel it, go through it.

In real terms you have only just started detaching from him. You've been living the nightmare of life in a relationship with an alcoholic for quite some time - it's going to take your brain a while to detach from the patterns it has formed - the enabling, the attachment, the anxiety. Everything you are feeling now is a normal part of the process of separating from someone you used to love, aggravated by the knowledge that this person is vulnerable and at the same time has put you through hell. It's a complex and horrible cocktail of feelings.

Once again I would strongly recommend that you seek professional support. I've done it. It was incredibly helpful.

Sorry to hear you’re struggling. I know how difficult it is - not caring isn’t an option, right? But if you’re going to care for yourself, you need to keep that distance (emotional as well as miles) because you know you can’t help, make a difference. Only he can help himself. These really are early days, there’s no quick fixes, just keep moving, looking forward not back.

Sorry you’re feeling rubbish - it’s good you have this thread to return to. I know you’ve had a million stories. I was with exH for 18 years and it took me a good few years to end the relationship when I found out about his secret drinking/alcoholism. It was very messy. He even nearly convinced me he had a brain tumour to hide his drinking and I paid for an MRI scan. There’s an old thread on here somewhere when I started putting things together.

but just to say, I do think it’s harder to break up in this situation - there is a lot of stuff to go back over- were they drinking at x event? Is that why they didn’t show for y? And you’ve been caring for them and worrying about them and being gaslit and confused for most of the relationship.

so go easy on yourself, keep reading and listening to podcasts etc.

Thank you for your responses.

I don't know why I'm giving him any of my mental energy. I'm going over all the crappy things he did to me to make me 'angry' so I can use that anger to propel me forward. Maybe it's the wrong way to go about it.

I need to share something and I'm sure it's so obvious to anyone who has been in this position.

Whenever we would go out, he'd literally go to the bathroom at least 5 or 6 times
over a 2 or 3 hour period. Every time!

The first couple of times I just thought maybe he had a dodgy tummy as I know this can happen. It comes to light that he of course had alcohol on his person and would go to the bathroom and have a quick sip and come out.

I mean...how stupid can I be to not work that out earlier. To add insult to injury when he'd return from these bathroom breaks, he'd be so sweet to me and I'd fall for it hook line and sinker.

Thank you for reading.

Also to add. I am very grateful to this thread as it helps so much when reading everyone's replies and support. Thank you.

Seriously, just keep posting here. And also on the support thread on this board. There are so many people on here who can supoprt you.

I'm not sure deliberately seeking out memories of him is helpful to you at this point, but only you can answer that. Personally I would be focusing on the positives you have in your life now that he is no longer in it: no more worrying about which 'him' you're going to get, no more monitoring the level in bottles, no more sinking feeling when you find yet another hidden empty. You don't have any of that any more. Grab your freedom by the horns and sit with the positives for a while.

It's not your job to fix him and even if it was, your support alone wouldn't make it possible for him to stop drinking. Those kinds of demons are complicated and pre-date you by a long way. Look after yourself and put him in your past to avoid a miserable existence.

Also: beware that addictions can make people extremely manipulative hence the shit he's coming out with. He's looking for a personal caretaker - don't be it. You're highly, highly likely to regret letting him back in.

It's very easy to beat ourselves up for not realising sooner but you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. You weren't someone who was experienced with dealing with alcoholics. You didn't know the readiness and sincerity with which addicts will lie to you, to themselves, to everyone. My ex was the most convincing liar I have ever known and it took me years to recognise that.

You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. You now know better. Be kind to yourself.

You are such a caring person @Morry15
Just remember…
You didn’t cause it.
You couldn’t control it.
You couldn’t cure it.
Please don’t refer to yourself as stupid. Most people when they go the loo aren’t drinking from a hip flask.
You didn’t see the red flags be cause alcoholics who are actively drinking have a whole wardrobe of behaviours to cover up what they are really doing.
Holidays are difficult for anyone struggling.
But you did the right thing and it’s going to take time.
You won’t get over it in an instant.
It’s very sad seeing someone like this when you realise what they are doing. But they chose drink over themselves. They will choose it over children, spouses, loved ones. It is a first choice every time.
When we have been around it and then come through it our brains try and rationalise it. Hence you are going through your memories trying to make sense of them.
A very good friend of mine rang me last year and told me she had cancer. I got off the phone sobbing. I lost both my parents to it, and my mum to the one she had.
Only my friend didn’t have cancer. I had no idea she was drinking again. She had rung me during a blackout.
So please don’t be cross with yourself. You have done brilliantly and it will get easier.

OP your reluctance to tell friends and family is because I think your leaving the door open. If you opened up to people you care about you know they will have a low opinion of him and likely question why you went back to him.

You need to think about the fact that If you are embarrassed about a relationship then you shouldn't be in it.

By being another person in his life pretending everything is OK, you are being a enabler. Alcoholism thrives in secrecy and your supporting that.

Tell your family and accept the support and truthfulness that will come from that, its the only way your going to stop yourself going back to someone who just from the perspective of time....you owe nothing to him, he gave you 5 months of a decent relationship, teenager in school stay with boyfriends long than that.

Unless you secretly enjoy being a savior?

@LouOver : thank you for your thoughts. No I don't think it's me trying to be a saviour. I just try and be empathetic and kind which under these circumstances and dealing with someone with mental health issues and alcohol dependany is not the best approach.

That response nails it. When dealing with someone in addiction, the approach should always be to protect yourself first and keep your distance emotionally.

And you know this, so you will be fine.

Sad, terrible heartbreaking post. This is the reality.