Alcoholic DP...is it over?

[Morry15]

Been with alcoholic DP for 18 months. Met OLD. Told me 5 months into dating he had some 'issues' with alcohol

Had no idea how bad it was.

Fast forward, AA meetings, therapy, in-house rehab. He's been drinking the whole time.

Last Thursday was the last straw. Met up, was drunk (he denied it initially, then admitted to it). Had argument. Haven't spoken since.

Had tried to leave in the past but felt like I was giving up on him.

I know it's the right thing for us not to be together but I'm still sad.

Just need a handhold I guess.

Give yourself a hard slap in the face and stop that right now!

Try to figure out why you stuck with an alcoholic for so long even though he let you down multiple times and has admitted he's an inveterate liar.

Do you have some deep-seated belief that you don't deserve a man who is not a problem for you to work on, who is available to you for a relationship of equals and doesn't need healing or patching up or transformation?

This is very unlikely to happen. My BIL is an alcoholic. Sometimes he can seem to clean up for a while but then it all slips backwards again and he is worse than ever.

You 100% need to get out and stay out.

Why do you try to be empathetic and kind?

Where did you get the idea that you owe people this?

This is a very good question. I think as women, we are conditioned to be empathetic and kind to everyone except ourselves. We are expected to sacrifice ourselves for everything, and the moment we put ourselves first, we get judgement.

I still remember when I told my late husband that I was putting our DC and myself first and him a very distant third in terms of priorities - that was Ultimatum Day. The look on his face...

Put yourself first, @Morry15 . Self preservation is not selfish.

Hello Everyone. Happy Sunday to you all.

I brief update. Ex-DP contacted me a few days ago. I've blocked him but he called me from another number (my personal phone is also my work phone so it's not unusual for me to be called from phone numbers that are not familiar to me which is why I answered).

Anyway, he told me he had been in hospital for over a week as his drinking got so bad his family took him to A & E where he was admitted and they medically detoxed him. He's back home now and recovering. He sounded like crap (voice all hoarse). He also told me that his walking and mobility had been affected but he was better now.

I didn't know what to say. He said the 'hospitalilisation' was the wake up call he needed and he never wants to go through that again.

The hospital has put him on a programme (therapist etc.)

What I cant get over is that he was speaking like we are still together if that makes sense. Telling me he can't wait for the summer so we can do stuff together, weekends away, holiday etc.

I was firm and explained that those things were not going to happen and he should be focusing on his recovery. He made a comment that I'm a priority in his life. I cut him off there.

He said he'd call me in a few days. I told him not too and I'm not just there whenever he wants to speak to me and that I want to get off this merry go round.

While he was speaking to me and telling me about the hospital stay, I did feel bad for him initially but by the end of the call I was annoyed.

Thank you for reading.

@Morry15 this is where you need to hold your boundaries. So if he calls again, tell him politely that you are no longer in a relationship and that you do not wish to speak to him. Rinse, repeat.

He has zero respect for you or your boundaries - how dare he force himself into your life by trickery. Dont feel bad about this loser - he doesnt care about your needs - he is 100% self serving.

Let any other calls go to VM and ring back so that you are not caught out again.

What a fucking cheek he has!

@Morry15 i had similar - it was like ‘I’ll sort myself out then we’ll be good again’. And I was ‘No. you need to sort yourself out - for you’. Then she didn’t sort herself out…. Keep strong, you won’t regret it

Sounds as if you have made some progress too, well done for being so firm. Stick at it 💪

You have done really well. It may well be his “rock bottom”, or it may not. Whatever, he has a lot of work to do and a lot of transforming to do. You can’t be part of that; it’s his thing and so I suggest you let him do this on his own- he has to concentrate on that and meanwhile you have your own life and your own problems to face! You are
not there just to be a support in his life. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. I only he can.

You have given him enough now, OP.
This man is 50, he repeats these patterns.
My friend who was so shocked after detox that she’d changed was drinking again after a week.
Evening if he is newly sober he needs to concentrate on that.
He’s delusional and very selfish to be talking about the future.
Please keep getting stronger and disengage.

I hope you told him not to contact you again.

Thank you for your replies.

Yes, I told him not to contact me again and to focus on his recovery as all his efforts need to go into that and that he doesn't have the capacity to give me what I need in a relationship. He disagreed and said we're perfect together.

He said he's in a better head space (but I've heard that before) but as soon as there is some stress in his life, it will trigger him (from past experience).

I don't get it. You can't be that out of touch not to realise this is not working and we are no longer in a relationship.

@Morry15 can you see that it's all about him. What he wants. He has not factored what is best for you in this at all.

He must know you have blocked him as he had to find another way to contact you.

Grey rock is the only way if he manages to contact you somehow. End the call. Don't call back. Ignore messages.

He may have had time sober to 'clear his head's, but that means nothing really.

You have come through a journey, even since your first post. Stay strong.

He's incredibly selfish and thinks that he can suck you back into a role of looking after him. He's being manipulative OP. Well done for being firm and not falling for it. Maybe if he calls you again you need to work on ending the call sooner?

Thank you again for your replies.

As a PP noted, if I receive a call with a number that's not familiar I'll let it go to voice mail and if it's work related, I'll call back. To a PP question, he hasn't said it but I'm sure he knows I've blocked him as he tried calling my landline a few weeks ago and then this recent phone call from a new number.

It feels like I take 2 steps forward and when he calls its one step back.

One day at a time.

I just re-read Rachel’s Holiday by Marian Keyes and she discusses denial in that. It’s a very interesting book as well as funny and clever. (She also has an alcoholic character in This Charming Man; she is a recovering alcoholic herself.) Might be of interest, or perhaps a bit near the knuckle for the moment.

’He said we’re perfect together’

Says it all - you’re perfect for him because you’ve been there for him. He needs that crutch. But he is not perfect for you!
As PP has said, in his head, it’s still all about him. But you know this now, right?
And yes, after a traumatic break up, any contact can make us all wobble, but you’re not taking a step back, you’re going in the right direction still (just with the odd wobble on the way). I’m 18 months in, and I can still get wobbled - but there’s no going back.

Well done for looking for a brighter future, and resisting his pull backwards. You can't fix him or make him feel happy. His main relationship is with alcohol and he just tells you what he thinks you want to hear to continue to prop him up. Screen your calls so you don't have to speak to him and move on with your life.

I still think Al anon might be useful to you. The point is that alcoholics have really twisted thinking - there is denial there and there is rose coloured thinking. And you have to be strong and let him recover so he can stop this twisted thinking (which to any logical brain is ridiculous). I feel for you as I have been in a similar position and always felt like I should be there as a support. Now I realise it was only when I said no that my ex partner realised it was up to him. Obviously this didn’t happen overnight as you can imagine! But because of that I’m really keen that other people don’t waste their time like I did 🙂

@Fleetheart I'm not convinced that Al-Anon would be best, because they tend to focus on preserving the relationship between partners whilst promoting detaching with love. If I'd gone to them, I might have stayed with my late husband, to the detriment of my DC. Walking away from a relationship with an addict should be supported.

Maybe! I guess it depends- for me it was the push I needed to make me realise it was his issue not mine. And also what a release to talk to people who understood. But I know what you mean. The main thing is for OP to be able to be strong and recognise it is not her who has a problem.

I have read through a lot of this thread and found it so helpful and relevant to my personal struggles. I've been quite churned up today with all sorts of rubbish going round in my head.
It's so helpful to read experience I identify with and wisdom from people who have or are dealing with similar situations.
I hope no one will mind if I say, in my experience, Alanon focuses on the Alanon member focusing on themselves and their own wellbeing, not on preserving relationships.
As I understand it detachment with love doesn't mean staying in a relationship or accepting unacceptable behaviour.

I agree with this. My experience in Al Anon was fundamental in separating - and as you say its about detaching and understanding what is inadvertantly enabling. It helped me understand the whole system and I found the narrative, strenght and permission to leave. Also AA for the alcoholic similiarly gets them to look inwards and invest the first year of recovery with yourself single.