MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

[ShatOnAndrew]

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

You did pretty much walk into it though, which is a million times more mortifying than if she'd said something bitchy completely spontaneously.

It was a distasteful comment on your part OP. I’m sure you were only joking, but you can surely see how that came across to MIL. If it’s an inheritance of some sort someone has died- don’t forget that- and you are appearing to rub your hands together in anticipation.

I’d let this go. You probably didn’t realise how this came across to MIL but bringing it up doesn’t do you any favours.

What lovely helpful comment.

Maybe one day you’ll be lucky enough to be an old dear. Or maybe not?

Lovely to see internalised misogyny alive in Mumsnet.

Sorry but you were very much in the wrong. As others have said, it will be his money, especially as it appears you are not married. Your first comment may have been a joke but given that you followed it up with the second, you definitely sound gold-digging. And if it’s an inheritance due to a bereavement it is insensitive.

I see people's perspectives and agree being married makes a difference but...and this might not be a popular opinion but...
In my relationship, we give more of ourselves from different perspectives. I do more for the kids and home while working full time and earning quite a good wage. My husband also works full time, earns well but does far less for the children and home. It's what it is. So...if he did get an inheritance, I would think nothing... absolutely nothing of using it for equal benefit. He benefits continually from me putting myself last every single time, so I will benefit for any money he brings in from whatever source and he can be thankful he has a wife who does so much for him lol. Controversial maybe, but works for us

Is the money due to an inheritance? If so I can see why your MIL probably thought your comment was a bit tasteless and responded in kind.

Our earned money, as in wages all go into one account but when my DH came into a large sum of money he opened a separate account in his name only, which is no less than I'd of expected him to do.

You suggested/joked that you are gold-digging (to some extent) and your MIL reacted to that, in an entirely appropriate way. Your comment has probably left a niggling feeling with your MIL.

Maybe you both regret saying what you did? What can you do other than learn? Maybe wasn't best/comment joke to make? MIL might have witnessed a few people spending someone else's money as if it was their own and be a bit prickly about it (I know I am). It sounds quite mild - a 'joke' followed by a 'joke' back.

Because being married confers certain rights and responsibilities. It's as simple as that. No one has to get married in this day and age, but people who decide not to don't have the same legal protection as those who do. That is clearly evidenced when one party discovers that they aren't treated the same way legally.
I was married, now widowed, always worked, have my own pension etc. We got married precisely for that reason. It's a legal contract.

MIL sounds fair enough tbh.

Your comment was obviously a joke. It fell a bit flat, but her reply was like a punch to the gut. As someone said upthread, she dropped her mask.

She probably feels quite strongly that it's your DP's money and not yours. Even more so if he is a DP and not a DH.
Exactly my thought
And mine.

Also this
How are you hurt that she was suggesting you were gold digging when you literally made a jokey comment suggesting that you were in fact gold digging?
And if your partner is “coming into” money due to inheritance then it’s pretty distasteful to be rubbing your hands about it to his parents.

Is the money coming from a bereavement op? If so then your comment was crass.

But the OP wasn't talking about equal benefit. She was talking about her becoming a lady of leisure off the back of her boyfriend's money.

It's exactly the kind of comment my MIL would make if I'd made the same kind of joke - and in our relationship we often do make jokes - strictly jokes - about me spending 'his' money due to the fact that currently he is the main wage earner and I work part time. She knows NOTHING about our daily lives and how we manage our finances. However, this is a decision we have made together on the basis of it being the best thing for our family, our money has always in any case been 'our' money or family money rather than his or mine, and I have during the course of our relationship contributed at least as much as he has, if not more, but as we love, care for and support each other we don't get into the bullshit of adding up that sort of thing. Married or not, anyinheritance I receive would be his too and any he receives would be mine too. It would be 'ours'.

The OP's MIL's comment suggests she doesn't think there is a fair financial division in their relationship or that she doesn't see the OP as a permanent fixture, but there's nothing to suggest she's right. Clearly if your comment was made as the result of a beloved family member passing away it wasn't the most tasteful but either way her comment was very catty.

I hear you OP - it was a really passive aggressive thing for her to say, given that it sounds like you were being light-hearted. Wider context does matter though, if (for example) the money was coming due to a family member on her side dying. If that's the case, then your comment was perhaps a bit ill judged.

That being said, money is a tricky topic for some people. DHs family are relatively wealthy and when we met we knew it was serious quite quickly. DH at the time had a small flat and I was renovating a property while living in my late mum's house. I thought DH's parents liked me, we had been for meals at their house and out for lunches etc. Always felt good energy from them which I reciprocated.

When we mentioned that we were going to start looking for a property to buy together (had probably been together a year or so but both in our 30s so knew what we wanted), we got those cats bum faces and a "But you can't, you don't have a deposit" exclamation from DH's mum. The fact was, DH's flat had very little equity and we were going to keep it to rent out. My house was my 3rd property and I had £100k deposit to put in the pot. I made light of it and just said that actually we did, from my side. We've now been together 15 years married for 12 and to be honest there have been other issues with the in laws, but for me that moment put me on my guard generally around them. I was actually earning more than DH at that point as well!

Well, she might, who knows. I don't know if the money is from a bereavement, work money, an insurance settlement etc but I don't think the source of the money matters really. It's her partner's money and they don't appear to be in a legal relationship like marriage or civil partnership. The first comment about becoming a lady of leisure was maybe an ill-judged joke. Apparently the "MIL" put on a face that indicated distaste of the comment. Then OP follows it up by saying "what DP gets will do nicely" as if she's already planning how she'll spend his money. No wonder her partner's mother felt uneasy

Your comment was obviously a joke. It fell a bit flat, but her reply was like a punch to the gut. As someone said upthread, she dropped her mask.
I disagree, you can be pissed off or angry with people you like from time to time, especially when they say insensitive things.
I dont think the comment was that bad tbh and I would have probably thought it ( but not said it) if ds girlfriend said it.

Nope, OP dropped her mask. And her partner's mother finally saw it. She probably is grateful they're not married and no doubt hope her son gets free of her.

People need to get a grip.

I always joke to my wife that if she ever gets rich, I'm quitting work to become a lady of leisure and that I'll stay home and bake and paint all day 🤷 I don't mean it, and I'm actually the higher earner by far lol.

It's just a joke. Idk why your MIL is getting salty about what was obviously you joking. Like okay it could be perceived as crass and it's not everyone's humour, but it ain't that deep.

Also, frankly, it will be DHs money. He is presumably an adult with capacity who can make his own informed choices. OP is joking, but if that's what he did do with the money, it's nothing to do with anyone else.

Depends on a few factors really op.
Are you relatively newly married?
Is someone dying and that’s why he’s coming into money?
If any of the above are yes then it was an incredibly crass and thoughtless ‘joke’ to make.
If both of the above are no, then brush it off, she just got her protective mum head on for a moment. Regardless of how well you get on, he will always be her baby boy

You made a joke implying you are a gold digger and are hurt she implied you are gold digging? She matched your crassness with her own, yab a bit daft but I don't think it's that deep really

Imagine the “MIL” side of this…
My son’s girlfriend is already planning spending the money that dying relative may leave him. You don't come across well OP, you've probably both spoken when you’d have been better to keep quiet!

Absolutely this.

Well from the limited information you have shared @ShatOnAndrew , it's not your money and they are not your PIL.

Does sound a bit crass TBH