MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

[ShatOnAndrew]

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

Getting off track but don’t your CP friends use husband or wife? If someone says ‘partner’ I assume rightly or wrongly that that means they haven’t been married or had a civil partnership.

Men's money is family money women's is their own is the usual line

Can you not see how distasteful your comment was, even if it was said in jest?

Your DP is coming in to money and that is his money to do with as he wants. Unless you are actually married, his money is his money and not your money that will allow you give up your job and live the high life.

You may have been trying to lighten the mood but your comment fell like a tonne of bricks to be honest.

Is he inheriting a sum because a family member of theirs has died? If so, your remark was likely hugely offensive and upsetting to her. But if it's because he's get a whacking great work bonus/selling a property, then you weren't unreasonable having a joke.

The OP hasn't made it clear but maybe she and her partner have had that conversation?

All this 'but you're not married' is a bit harsh too - it suggests that an unmarried couple who has been together for, say, 20 years and has three kids and a mortgage is somehow less legitimate than a couple who has been together for three years, married for one, no kids etc. I know MN is very anti-unmarried couples on the basis that the woman is left unprotected but that's not always the case. There's a lot we don't know here! Maybe the OP has been the main wage earner and always supported her partner and carried the financial load, or he agrees that it's time for her to stop work and stay home with children etc.

The MIL clearly didn't appreciate the remark and, as others have said, take note that this woman definitely doesn't see you as another daughter. If you had that kind of relatioship the joke wouldn't have hit wrong. I'd ignore it but be more cautious in future or, should any of the above scenarios be the case, gently remind her of it.

Even it it was a joke it was weird and distasteful of you. It might show what your MIL thinks, but then it also shows that not working and having your partner to pay for you is very much on your mind.

If it’s inheritence I can’t even begin to tell you how rude and stupid your comment was. A walking talking red flag.

If he's your partner she is not your mother in law.
Also, if you aren't married you aren't entitled to any of his money.
I think she thinks the same.

As ever, the adage not to discuss politics, religion or money stands
Your remark was probably seen as crass

Ignore and move on.
I struggled with my in-laws family. There's no gallows humour, no warmth. When you threaten to do something outrageous in a jokey way - murder, disposing of bodies, putting the whole lot on the horses, the in-laws take it a bit seriously. You can see them process it. And then feel a bit hoodwinked and snap back.
My family would escalate the situation, plans would be made to hire a mini digger, perhaps everyone would wear a tiara on account of getting so posh.
I still get it wrong, attempt to build warmth and connection with ridiculous suggestions. The in-laws after 30 years see me as an outsider and I've had a number of threads over years on Mumsnet trying to process it. Leaving DH to mostly handle them is the most successful and allowing yourself to be a bit sad that you've not gained an extra warm extended family, just a DH.

My husband will inherit an enormous amount of money from his family one day.

If it ever comes up with his family, we talk about how it will do things like pay off our mortgage which will in turn enable us to help our children when they’re older.

It will no doubt make my life easier and may well enable me (and my husband) to retire long before I would otherwise but I wouldn’t explicitly say that as people worked hard for the money my husband will inherit and I don’t want to be flippant about it.

It’s very much a UK thing that you have to get married, and then not being able to get a divorce because it turns our the husband was an arse and you have been a SAHM. I have not seen that anywhere else.

Been with my partner 29 years, two adult children, both work, both share all housework. Joint accounts.

1. Are you married or in a civil partnership?
2. If you aren't married or in a civil partnership how long have you been together?
3. Where is the money coming from? Is it inheritance or a bonus or sale of some kind of property?

I think your comment was crass and tasteless and did sound a bit like gold digging.
If you've been together a very long time though and it isn't the result of someone's death than your comment wasn't that bad. Still, you would have been better off not making a comment like that because that sort of thing is likely to upset someone.

You probably feel horrible about it because you feel guilty .

I think this is exactly it. My SIL does the exact same thing when it comes to anything money related to my DB, almost as if everything is to be to her benefit before his.
Not saying the OP was doing that, it was clearly a joke, but I feel this is the case from the MILs point of view.

Your comment was a bit crass

It feels like you're being told off doesn't it? When it's quite clear - to me, to you, to anyone - that it was a joke. She might well be putting you in your place, but honestly I'd just let it go. Chalk it up to a crass comment badly received.

How are you hurt that she was suggesting you were gold digging when you literally made a jokey comment suggesting that you were in fact gold digging?

This! He’s not your husband, she’s not your mother in law, it’s not your inheritance. If he wants to flounce from work and live off it, good luck to him. I’m not surprised his mum had a cats bum face at your flippant comment!

i'm amazed by this website and the responses

It's a fair point, @SharpLily, and personally I wouldn't say not being married makes the relationship "less legitimate", but that doesn't change the law - as anyone who's not married/in a civil partnership and tries to claim for themselves will quickly find out

If one of my children's partners said that to me I would be livid and it would make me think very differently about them .
It's not your money it's your partner's and you were incredibly rude and grabby especially if it's due to a bereavement.
My dfil died recently and after decades of marriage I never for a moment assumed my dh inheritance was mine .
You need to apologise and think about your selfish behaviour.

Bad joke and knee jerk protective reaction from the mil. Just forget about it.
We don't know whether is an inheritance, trust fund, living trust, compensation btw.

Odd people wouldn't share an inheritance with a long term partner.. I'd assume that would be the case.
Altho I am married so maybe that's different?
I inherited 70k and I just put it all into buying the house which is in his name as at the time I didn't work enough to be on the mortgage.
If I inherited or won or got some other type of windfall I would share it with DH. And actually if anyone would leave their job it would be him as I love my job and we could use the childcare of him leaving work tbh...
But if this inheritance is due to a death I can see ops joke seeming a bit off... but also MILs comment was a bit off too..
I'd just leave it personally. Maybe deep down she feel her son should prioritise himself.. but it doesn't matter what she feels because what he does with the money us up to him and if he wants to share it with op that's pretty normal.

I don’t think OP will come back.

Hmm. Let's consider this conversation

Woman: I'm about to get a big bonus at work

Husband: Great! I'll spend it all on something for me

If I was the woman, or indeed the woman's mum or friend, I would be making a remark about what about the woman getting some say in how she spent the money.
I get that OP's remark was meant to be a joke, but if MIL didn't realise this, it sounds horribly controlling.

I'm assuming your partner coming into money involves one of mils relatives dying?

If so your comment was very distasteful.
You've said it now though so try not to dwell on it like you say you didn't actually fall out