MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

[ShatOnAndrew]

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

It's not slightly different. It's completely different.

From another perspective.

Valid point.

Exactly this. Nothing legally entitling you to the money it would seem. So the comment was crass and entitled. She then clapped back and you didn’t like it. She probably didn’t like your comment very much either.

She isn’t your mother in law. She is your partners mother there is a difference.

If this is related to an inheritance then you have been incredibly crass.

Sorry Op, as stated, you made a crass tasteless joke about being a gold digger and it backfired.

I have been married almost 20 years, been together longer, both DH and I will probably inherit quite a bit (if there are no big care needs etc).The way that we would view the money is that it may go to the individual, but will be used for the family's benefit, but with the gift-ee having ultimate say. I know that neither of us would want to spend it all on just themselves, but put it into things that improve our lives as a family and would be open for discussion between us.

However, if DS, who has a girlfriend of almost 3 years/live together etc, inherits then, despite the fact that I do really like his girlfriend, I'd be livid if she thought HIS inheritance meant that she could be a kept woman.

I don't think your 'MIL' was wrong.

You made a crass comment, she called you out on it and you’ve ended up hurt over nothing. Seems like a you problem.

But we don't know if they are married/civil partnership or what. She uses DP but also MIL.

OP could be one of those people who use DP/MIL after dating someone for 6 months for all we know (unlikely but not impossible).

If they are not married, it makes it more sensitive situation I think.

Agree nothing legally entitling her to the money. If we think about the real world- not how we want things to be but how they more usually are. Women generally do the greater share of child rearing and house work. I don't know if the OP has children or if they live together but assuming they do, nothing legally (or otherwise) entitles her DP to get the benefit from her hard work. Why is it so wrong for her to benefit from his money?

To be honest, that sort of comment sounds exactly like a sort of standard not that funny joke that people would make all the time.

One person "I'm getting a big bonus/pay rise/prize money"

Partner "ooh I'll plan my shopping trip/early retirement now then!"

It's not exactly joke of the century, but if anyone thought it was controlling I'd think they needed to lighten up. The exception would be if there was previous controlling behaviour, or in OP's case, if this money is an inheritance from eg the MIL's parent, where I think she would be understandably not in the mood for joking about it.

This.
Not the smartest comment from you. Makes you come across as lazy and a bit selfish basically - that that's the first thing you think of when there is a bit of money coming.
But now, drop it and hope everyone forgets.

You are a wife with a legal tie to your DH. From what is understood, the OP is a girlfriend. It's entirely different relationship.

Whether or not you are married to him is irrelevant in my opinion. Comment would be just as foolish if you were married anyway.

This. Are you married, if not she’s technically right, if a bit tactless..

Has OP stated it's an inheritance? Maybe I've missed it, but lots of people assuming this and getting worked up.
The source of the money is probably relevant.

I definitely had a mother in law in my long term relationship. And all money was shared.

If I came into money, I’d find it odd if my DH made a joke about being able to give up working because of it. I wouldn’t find it funny to be honest - I’d be pissed off.

It wasn’t a funny ‘joke’ OP and I’m sort of with MIL on this one.

Many a true word said in jest. Hard to say if YABU without context. How long have you been with DP? Have you got dc?

It's bad manner to crow about your wealth whatever the circumstances and unless both you and DP are retiring together then I'd assume it was poor taste to joke he's going to support you.

On the face of it, I'm team MIL.

If the money is due to bereavement = YABVU

If the money isn’t due to bereavement but you’re not married = YABU

If the money isn’t due to bereavement and you’re married = YANBU

I think we should wait for OP to confirm that the money will be from an inheritance before we accuse OP of being crass.

In my experience MILs can be very weird about this sort of thing. When I was a trailling spouse supporting DH big work opportunity abroad my MIL got very antsy about it.

This is the sort of comments my MIL would have made in the first 20 years of my marriage. She has a sarcastic sense of humour and likes to keep in-laws in their place. It would be nothing personal and I would note for myself that I got the appropriate response for my unthoughtful comment.

I can absolutely see the husband joking about getting a Lamborghini or something in those circumstances.

I wouldn’t have a problem with it if both members of the partnership were in on the joke.

To me it just sounds like the MIL has no sense of humour.

If it's a 15 year long live in relationship ( and I have no idea if it is) I think to most people it would feel like 'in laws' - 2 years then not so much. Let's face it plenty of marriages only last a few years, so I don't see that marriage is the issue.

Many people particularly older people have fixed ideas about inheritance only belonging to the named person so it's better not to make jokey comments about 'you' spending it- even sometimes if married and even if you both think of it as joint money

It’s quite distasteful for you to say, if the money is dependent on someone dying. Even more so if they’re related to MIL.

Is the money connected to a bereavement in their family? If so YABU and thoughtless. But you're not married so you've no entitlement to that money and I'd find your comment crass.

Why is that ? OP hasn’t said if they're married or not.