MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

[ShatOnAndrew]

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

Really interesting to read this thread and definitely shows the differences in how families treat money. I am married so maybe slightly different, but I'm generally in charge of our family money and there's no "his" or "hers". If my husband did come into money, I would certainly be able to decide to work part time if we agreed on that, it wouldn't be "his" money, it's always "ours".

She is right though technically. It must have hurt though that your joke landed badly.

I would be upset as well but I think you put your foot in it with what you said.

The difference is you are MARRIED!

Exactly

This is the best explanation of it IMO. It’s like assuming you are good friends with someone then they show you that to them, you’re not.
say nothing though.

This.

It's his inheritance to do with what he would like, not to fund you. She probably found the remark quite disrespectful to whoever is about to pass away, it does come across rather flippant and gleeful. I think you should apologise for your misjudgement on this one.

This. It was a bit insensitive of you to be talking about it like that.

She didn't find your joke funny, and as I'm guessing it's an inheritance, perhaps it's still a bit raw - benefitting from someone dying is not really a joking thing

That's what I thought too, it's the boyfriends money solely.

Gloating a bit about how someone else's money will do you nicely isn't...great?

OP didn't say it was inheritance. I agree that if it is inheritance, the situation is different than say, a big payout at work.

But you DID sound like a gold digger (twice)

But if your husband was inheriting said money because of the death of a relative, would you be gleefully talking about how you're going to 'become a lady of leisure' to his parents, who are presumably just as likely to be thinking about the death of whoever it is, and don't really see it as an occasion for unmixed rejoicing?

She's telling g you your not family

But you did some across as gold digging.

The most important bit in this being the 'if we agreed on that'... the joke op made bypassed that respectful process part and hints at a different approach to the one that governs your house... So no comparison.

Op may have only been joking, and if her character is above reproach, she may even hoped that would be understood as a given...

The phrase 'never a truer word than spoken in jest' exists for a reason... and depending on the wider context means the hilarious joke was maybe just a complete clanger.

I wouldn't no. To be fair, we don't know he's getting the money as a result of someone dying

Yeah, don't joke about money.

I kind of went to the opposite extreme when DH inherited (several tens of thousands) from his dad. Left decisions about it entirely up to DH, until he said "You do realise it's shared money, don't you, and we should split it between our accounts and both decide what to do with it?"

I think I'd read too much on here about ring fencing inheritance and assumed he wouldn't want to share.

I know I quite often put my foot in my mouth! Maybe take her aside quietly and apologise for making an insensitive joke. Or just ignore it and paper over the cracks.

Context is everything here. Are you married to him? Is the money coming from a bereavement?
If you are married, and it's not coming from a bereavement then your joke should land totally differently, to if you're not married and it is from bereavement.

Yes, but the difference, is the fact that you are married, not a girlfriend. As you have yourself acknowledged.

She had a point!

@Caddycat fair enough, I've made an assumption about it being an inheritance.

But even if it is something like a payout at work, I still think her remark was a bit grabby and gleeful and misjudged. Surely her DP would be first to choose what to do?

Depends where the money is coming from, if it's an inheritance from the death of her mother or something, then maybe not the time to joke.

If it's something unconnected, then I think it's a fairly obvious joke that she's being silly to take seriously.

We don’t know where the money is coming from but if it is inheritance your comment was
distasteful (even if meant as a joke), obviously the dynamic and length of your relationship comes into play to. My daughters both stand to inherit from their GP’s and their godfather who doesn’t have children. The money is for my daughters not their boyfriends so I probably would have responded in the same way as your partners mum to be honest

Well why couldn't he give up work and you work?

It's funny when it works, or not, the other way