MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

[ShatOnAndrew]

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

I think you were crass, tbh, and I don't think her response was all that bad. He is inheriting or whatever, not you. I know you were joking, but still. What are the circumstances around the money?

OP she’s been on Mumsnet and read all the inheritance threads about how the person who actually receives it shouldn’t share with their spouse 😁

In the real world spouses like each other and often have a ‘what’s mine is yours’ approach.

I probably wouldn’t have made the comment you did - bit brash and gleeful assuming someone has died? - but I wouldn’t have made MIL’s comment either.

Joking about him giving up work would have made more sense.

More info needed; is it an inheritance and are you married?

Either way you are right to not have liked the comment, it was intended to be hurtful.

Not a spouse in this scenario, though.

My DH came into a similar sum of money and my MIL made some comments to him when I wasn't there that it was his money and not mine.

As it happened it was blatantly obvious at the time what we would spend it on - urgent surgery for him - so it did get spent on him.

However over the years MIL has mellowed and realised we handle our money differently to her and FIL and that without the inheritance I would have paid for her son's surgery on my own so I'm not all bad.

Yes. You were clearly joking and she clearly feels aggrieved that you will ‘get your hands on her son’s money’…

I’d be upset too. Your remark was (assuming it’s not coming from a close relative who is dying but not dead yet 😬) lighthearted and hers was rather catty.

I mean, she has a point. You're not coming into money, your partner is. So perhaps she found your comment to be a bit crass.

I guess it all depends on the tone. I can totally see this being said in a jokey way, in which case MIL's comment would be a pretty aggressive/defensive response. But again, it's all about the circumstances and the tone.

She just called you out on your half baked comment....
Maybe in her eyes you have gotten away too long saying stupid things and this was one step too far....

Maybe take some time to try an examine yourself from other people perspective

Ah yes, I think the use of MIL made me skim over the DP. I do think that marriage makes a big difference tbh.

Some of these old dears just open their mouths without engaging their brains. Just ignore it and also put a check in place to see if she has either said in the past or says in the future something acerbic like this again and get a right juicy retort to throw back at her like: 'Goodness. Can't you tell when I am joking'. One good lesson to learn in life is to be in control of what comes to your ears i.e. I don't respond to that tone of voice. You are in control. It stops you going away being offended and mulling over what was said before. Good luck!

It's a bit confusing since you've interchanged "MIL" and "DP"

Are you married or not, because obviously that would make a difference?

Sums it up.

I agree, and even for those who don't, clearly a lot of people think it does. It's a delicate issue.

I understand why you’re hurt, because it suggests suspicion of you.

we had a small inheritance once and on the same day my DH’s parents passed on our share, we went out for coffee by the river. I suggested we all take a pleasure boat out. His mum immediately snapped ‘Let’s not spend it all at once!!’ I was so hurt, in a similar way. It implied I was some sort of crazy hedonistic gold digger. I just thought it was a nice idea for an hour.

Yeah, this. If you're not married, then you shouldn't be making claim to it. Your comment was very crass and very distasteful. In fact, I too would think you were a gold-digger and Iwould be hurt if I were her. Maybe you should consider that she felt hurt by your comment, and do some self-reflecting.

OP might be in a civil partnership. I went to more civil partnership ceremonies than marriage ceremonies last year for friends.

This way she has a DP and is partnered by law so MIL fits.

Your comment was insensitive and distasteful, who do you wish was dying so that you can get an inheritance of your own?

I think your joke was more offensive than her reaction to it. You’re not married so it’s not your money.

You should have just said “yes because we are married and share all finances. You know that I’m married to your son, right?”

Can’t be arsed with stupid snidey comments from people. If she wants to say something, she should say it plainly.

I think it was an unfortunate comment on your part. She obviously sees it as his money, not shared money and she is right, it is his money. If its an inheritance from family then I can understand it.

and legally you don't have any claim on the money as you are not married.

so while you were joking she obviously thought it in poor taste and made the point that its not actually your money.

@ShatOnAndrew - I think it’s pretty clear that you were just making a joky remark and it’s hurtful to have it taken the way it was. As PP have said, the circumstances of your DP coming into money might mean that your comment hit a nerve. It’s uncomfortable when things like this happen. If you generally get on though, it should blow over.

Shes not the poster who didn’t want her DIL to make use of the money she was gifting her son is she? (A recent thread if anyone remembers it!)