MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

[ShatOnAndrew]

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

Her husband is pretty much going to be a man of leisure as he will only be working one day a week after the sale of part of his business.

Can we start banning posters who are so lazy they won't even read OP's posts let alone the thread? Ban the fuckers! (not lighthearted). 😍

Assuming that this couple actually like each other, enjoy spending time together, and want the other person to be happy, it would be downright weird for one person to give up work while the other continued to do a 9 to 5 to pay their share of the bills.

That's not how it is in my marriage, or in any marriage worth having imo.

My DH and I are planning to go part time next near. We are both doing it together (and will structure our work week so that we have the same days off) because we enjoy spending time together, and because we think it's fair that we both have the same amount of leisure time. We are a team, not two individuals in competition with each other.

I know I mentioned upthread re: the one day a week that the DH will be doing, but it seems it's only for 18 mths, so in practice he is essentially retiring. What decent man would want to retire early while his wife slaves away?

I do think the OP's joke was a bit crass, but that's probably because I think bragging about money is a bit crass. Nothing to do with her right to enjoy their finances as a married couple.

Oh Jeez, didn't expect this thread to be still going 😳

ILs are not buying the business.
Yes, it'd be more than enough money for us both to be ladies/gentlemen of leisure. But DP would have to work a day a week for a while, for which he'd be paid.

The suggestion that, because its DP's money, I bollock off to work while DP sits around at home for six days a week with enough money in the bank for us both to never work again is ridiculous. DP would never do that. He doesn actually like me.

I’m assuming that last sentence was a typo and he DOES actually like you 🤣

OP, now we have all the information, you can rest assured your MIL was being extraordinarily unreasonable. It’s none of her business, at all.

You go off and be a lady of leisure if that’s what you neat to do. Legally, that money is just as much yours as Days. And good for you if it’s what you decide!
I would take early retirement in a heartbeat if my DH came into enough money. I’d open a cat sanctuary and spend my days nurturing and raising previously homeless cats.
Bliss!

Oh bollocks- yes, does actually like me.

Can't bloody edit now 😒

I've told (yes, told) DP that part of the money will be heading to our local independent animal home!

I have no grounds to talk 🤣 mine is FULL of typos.

Too much wine last night and an early start this morning 😴

I agree, I’d explain that you were joking. Her comment was hurtful on several levels — sounds as if she doesn’t consider you and DP to be a ‘real’ couple.

Edited to say Ooops, I’ve just rtft and I now find MIL’s comment even weirder. Maybe she feels a bit defensive about living off FIL? But then why draw attention to it? I wouldn’t worry, OP. Just enjoy your new life!

That rather depends on whether it would work the same in reverse. I wouldn’t have much respect for a husband who insisted his wife still work full time if there was enough money from the sale of the business for them both to live comfortably. If it’s a substantial amount and they have joint finances then the discussion is between OP and her DP. So in that context MiL was unreasonable to comment as she did because it’s none of her business.

DP is selling his own business, so no, not ‘given’. Nothing to do with PiL. And even if they were given, surely it then becomes his money to d with as he sees fit. Anything else is not ‘giving’.

Depends on whether the rest of their finances are joint. And whether that’s what OP, or indeed her DP, actually want.

@shuggles

I don't understand what you're saying. It's the husband's money, so it's his to use and spend as he wants. What made OP think it was her money?
You have a strange understanding of marriage. And if the law 😂
Weird marriage if the dh jacked in his business, hoarded the money muttering 'mine all mine' and expected his dw to keep working whilst he swans about.

Happy marriages don't usually involve each person doing whatever they want with money they earn. They decide together on how best to finance their lives. Good Lord imagine a terrible set up where one person just frittered their money on gaming or sports and didn't invest in the family home or for the future and just shouted 'it's my money I can do what I want' like a toddler.

In any case we know nothing about the couple. The OP may have supported him whilst he built up the business In which case it is as much her morally as well as legally.

Hopefully your DH will be a bit more circumspect in future @ShatOnAndrew . He could have just answered “enough to retire on”. Let’s hope he doesn’t start getting Lottery-winner type requests from friends and family 😂

Agree. Most sensible post on a very frothy thread. And if the couple have joint finances it makes it even more difficult to separate out specific sums as ‘mine’.

Well you’re clearly not married, nor understand anything about marriage,

A marriage isn’t the same as boyfriend and girlfriend. You share things like finances. If I came into money, then by rights, so would my DH. If it was enough for him to retire on then I’d happily see him do so-as he would for me. Because we share everything and support each other.

You might find it one day, then maybe you’ll understand. You’re still individuals, but you’re also a team, sharing life together

I should also add, that LEGALLY it’s half hers too.
Which it would not be if they were just boyfriend and girlfriend.

A marriage isn’t the same as boyfriend and girlfriend. You share things like finances. If I came into money, then by rights, so would my DH

Exactly this. It's literally in the vows, if you have a religious ceremony.
If I think about my marriage, you may get one person earning more for a time, then another. One person gets an inheritance, another maybe a large redundancy payout. All in the pot, towards future plans.

And surely one of the biggest goals and dreams is to have the money to have the luxury of spending time together?

Not that its anything to do with her anyway, if its coming from the sale of his business and not family then I'm not sure why your MIL felt the need to make a comment about it at all.

When a couple discuss finances its between those two people and really nothing to do with anyone else, knowing someone in the same situation their time of working for the sold out company came to an end but they've chosen to still work there as 'retiring' isn't something they want to do just now so will continue for the foreseeable.

If you gave up work you yourself may decide, if not straight away, that being at home isn't for you so a few hours a week working just for the social side of things suits you better.

I dare say they'll be lots of desicion making coming up but just remember you only get one life so enjoy it and don't give what your MIL said any more thought.

Is one possible reason for your mil’s reaction because she’s had it drummed into her that she’s lucky/privileged to have access to her dh’s money and not work, it’s been lauded over her, perhaps. And with that power dynamic she must believe what’s she’s been told is fact, and impose the same judgement on others

@downwindofyou Weird marriage if the dh jacked in his business, hoarded the money muttering 'mine all mine' and expected his dw to keep working whilst he swans about.

Yet, isn't that what OP did? Decided she was going to become a "lady of leisure" while her husband continued working?

Good Lord imagine a terrible set up where one person just frittered their money on gaming or sports and didn't invest in the family home or for the future and just shouted 'it's my money I can do what I want' like a toddler.

"My money, I can do what I want" which is essentially how OP was thinking?

Yet, isn't that what OP did? Decided she was going to become a "lady of leisure" while her husband continued working?

One day a week! That's hardly continuing a full-time job. I'm sure she can pick up a wee bit of extra household chores to balance it.

I think op thd faux pas was referencing your leisure, rather than dp’s/ DH’s (confused by that use of Dp I’m sorry!).

I think if you’d said “ he can put his feet up for a bit now!” or similar ( even now “ we” can put our feet up) it would have been more diplomatic.

Realistically, she’s his mum. Whatever more objective people might conclude in allocating the contributions to the wealth generation, as his mum ( and mums are always mums, even to grown Dc!) she sees it as his success and her primary concern is how it will impact his life. That’s just natural and I think sometimes people expect too much from MIL in that regard.

I think it was the immediate focus on yourself in the context of his business that probably hit a discordant note for her.

And as I said upthread, its likely that the OP working solidly for years is in part, what has allowed her DP to set up a business and get it to the point where someone wants to buy it.

That sort of thing doesn't tend to happen (or not in a relatively short time frame) if there isn't someone ensuring the bills are paid and that there is financial stability at home... which in this case is probably the OP, for the better part of the last two decades.

So both legally, and morally.. it is their money jointly.

She's jealous.

So why then should DH continue working while OP decides to become "a lady of leisure"? Why is it OP's decision as to what is done with the money?

I would assume it isn't soley OP's decision but that they'd discussed this a fair bit before he sold up and come up with a plan that suits them both!

And he is working one day a week... giving them 6 days a week to do fun stuff together...

You're talking as if she's decided, there and then at the IL's house, to announce she is jacking in work without a single conversation with her partner at all, whilst he continues to work full time.

This isn't the case, at all!