MIL comment about money - feel hurt and just a bit odd

[ShatOnAndrew]

DP is likely to come into some money next year. We were chatting with PILs about it.

I made a comment about flouncing from my job and being a lady of leisure.

MIL said "Oh you're coming into money as well are you?" and did a sort of cats-bum face.
I laughed it off and said "I wish, I'm sure what DP gets will do nicely"

I can't put my finger on it but it really hurt me. It felt like she was suggesting I'm gold digging (sorry, terrible phrase). Me and MIL have always got on well - we're not close but no falling out or anything.

It's really niggling at me. I know I need to just leave it. I'd look like a loon bringing it back up now but I can't shake this horrible feeling.

Sorry, not sure what I'm actually asking here. Just needed to vent a bit.

And there are no threads on here at all from married couples who keep finances separate?

There is no legal obligation for married couples to combine or share finances while living together. Settlement on divorce is different.

None of which are relevant on a day to day basis. And in terms of pension, most pensions now allow partners to benefit.

I know you have nothing to do with it @ShatOnAndrew but does MIL wrongly believe otherwise?

From what you've said, she gave up work very early and relied on your FIL's salary. Far less fiscal equality in their relationship than your own. Perhaps she's kind of projecting?

you don't have the right to direct how that person's funeral should occur (although their next of kin/family could decide to take account of your wishes)

It’s the executor who normally arranges a funeral by the way, nothing to do with next of kin if someone is sensible and has made a will. Phone a solicitor if you need more clarification.

Married couples can’t keep finances separate that’s the point.

They can choose (as I do) to have their own accounts but if you’re married then money is just part of marital assets in the end, if you aren’t married it’s separate. If you want to keep finances separate you need to not marry.

You’re picking hairs with this ‘day to day’ stuff and it’s not important either way to this thread as far as I can see.

I’m just getting annoyed at the people who think partners are “less than” spouses.

I don’t blame your MIL.

Both of your comments were a bit thick and tactless. You’ve come across as smug and a show-off.

Sometimes you need to think before you speak.

Sorry to sound harsh, but just read back what you said, and learn.

Until you separate. And no, most pensions have spousal benefit for certain but not others (they might, but it is not certain). It's for people to decide whether to marry or form a civil partnership (or not), but the idea they are the same is not correct. Marriage/civil partnership is a legal tie. Living together is not

Morally and emotionally it’s not. But legally it makes a huge difference.
That piece of paper entitles you legally to half. Cohabiting has no legal rights either on divorce or death

Gotcha, sorry!

No, she knows I'm nothing to do with the company. She knows I have no say in what happens with direction, plans, sales etc.

Your remark does sound grabby. If someone is dying, it's a bit bad taste.🤷‍♀️

Your remark does sound grabby. If someone is dying, it's a bit bad taste.

At least read all the OPs posts... no-one's dying.

I haven't rtft, but I think that you should try to put it behind you. She may be stewing on what you said in the same way as you are. Yet neither of you really meant anything by it. The things we say do not always reflect our "real" thoughts about things, no matter what Freud says. We sometimes do make throwaway comments - to fill an awkward space etc. If you get on OK, just leave it at that.

So your DH will have no choice but to work for this money, while you're making jokes about being a lady of lesiure?

You MIL was being catty, but I can also see her point. Your remark was a bit crass in that context.

If both of you were going to be able to give up work, that would be different.

So your DH will have no choice but to work for this money, while you're making jokes about being a lady of lesiure?

One day a week is hardly onerous.

OP I suspect a lot of the replies you're now getting are being fueled by the green-eyed monster.

Nobody is dying. It is a business sale

your MIL is quick on the retorts, good for her to make it very clear its not your money. Certainly put you in your place & the bit you can't put your finger in is the flea she left in your ear.

I would suggest you apologise to both your oh and MIL at your rather crass comment

In financial terms (which is what this thread is about - finances), cohabitation and marriage are totally different. One give you rights over assets, the other does not.

I agree that one day a week isnt loads. But the OP's remark was still a bit crass.

The MIL was out of order too though, I think.

Yes and this is what I have said. Marriage/civil partnership are different from living together. One relationship creates a legal tie, the other does not

Partners aren't less than.

But legally, they have fewer rights. It's just a fact.

@IKEAJesus "I’m just getting annoyed at the people who think partners are “less than” spouses"

I agree. I hate the assumption that marriage is the gold standard and anything else is lesser. Someone on here even said something like "if partners work out they become husbands" WTF??

She doesn't see you as part of her family, OP. And she isn't your MIL.

Have you got children? I'd probably be a little wary as an in law too if my child inherited money and their partner expected to share it if they didn't have kids.

I think it's really important to be clear about the legal differences between marriage and cohabiting.

I have lost count of the depressing MN threads I have read where a woman ends up paying for her partner's property assets, or becoming a SAHM while he continues to build his pension and career, and is shocked to realise she'd be penniless if they split.

More women need to be clued up about this stuff! Marriage isn't obligatory, but if you're not going to get married you have to protect your financial position.