You never know what goes on behind closed doors…

[Butterscotchcloudstangerine]

Namechanged.

My marriage isn’t in the best place, and this has been the case for some time. One thing I sometimes think about is how we look from the outside and how most people think DH is such a lovely man - generous, kind, funny, outgoing. He can be all of those things to me, sometimes, and it’s largely how he comes across to the outside world.

But behind doors it’s often different. He’s snappy, mean, and critical. He just lost his temper (again) over a very minor thing tonight, and I am sitting here thinking about what friends and colleagues would say if they saw him behaving like such a dick. I’m not just talking about how we ‘let our guard down’ at home btw, it’s worse. He’s not abusive as such, but just behaving like an asshole.

It’s probably getting worse as he ages, and right now I’m questioning our future. I’m not here for advice on whether or not to leave him as such, but I’m more curious as to if anyone has experienced similar, this ‘outside/inside’ behaviour? My closest know I’m not very happy, and once or twice they’ve seen him get snappy or critical - however, they don’t know the full extent. I can’t even bring myself to tell them some of the comments/behaviour, I am not sure why when they are all loving and supportive.

anyone know what I’m talking about?

I have just started to open up to a few close friends about my DP. I never told people about things he’d said or done before, to protect him really as I worried what they might think. Honestly, they are shocked at what I’m telling them. To the outside world, he is always lovely, a real family man, so thoughtful, charming. Says all the right things. He can be like that at home too. As long as I keep him happy and don’t say anything to upset him. He has a horrible temper and real mean streak to him sometimes, but nobody ever sees that side to him apart from me. Sorry I don’t have anything constructive to add, but I very much understand your post.

I understand this too OP only too well - I often think I'm used asa verbal whipping post for all his life frustrations - it's not actually he he's having a go at - it's life- but blimey it's very wearing indeed

If you want to talk to people about it, you'll probably find they aren't surprised. There's no need to keep his behaviours secret if they're bothering you much, it'll only build resentment and bitterness. Talk to someone. Make a joke of it. A problem shared etc etc.

Charm personified outside
Nasty bastard inside (behind closed doors).
The worst kind.

Street angel, hearth devil, my gran used to call it.

Seems like this post is the first tentative step towards escaping this shit man.

If a man is fun loving, charming, good natured when outside of the home and a mean prick inside the home, it’s a choice. So, he is choosing to treat you that way. This is emotional abuse. It is insidious and very damaging. They do it so you feel compelled to placate them in order to avoid the mean man. But you can’t placate them. There will always be some reason to lambaste you. And over time, they ramp it up and get worse. This eventually wears away the victims self esteem and they become a shadow of themselves who’s walking around on eggshells trying not to anger the beast.

Please read this book and see if any of it resonates with you. It’s free.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I’m never shocked to hear that the seemingly pleasant men I know behave very differently within the privacy of their own homes. Keeping their bad behaviour a secret to preserve their reputation works very well indeed for them. Maybe they would behave better if they thought we would tell people how they really treat us.

I have just Divorced such a man after 23 years. He is SO kind to strangers, & so utterly horrible to me (& distant with his own children). Imo, the only reason he can function 'nicely' outside is because he parked all his bile on me. No more.

Yes. An old neighbour was a lovely man. Very sociable, everyone knew him and liked him. His wife was very dour and didn't speak to anyone. One day there were police and an ambulance outside their house - he'd tried to kill her. Her anti-social disposition was because she was being horribly abused. You're right, you never know what goes on behind closed doors.
I hope you are ok OP.

I could have written your exact post @Butterscotchcloudstangerine
I'm wondering how the hell I've put up with it for over 25 years.

I've recently told close friends which has helped. I know work colleagues and acquaintances would be very shocked.

I'm starting to pull him up every time and he doesn't like it.

ExH was like that. Oh-so-charming to other parents, going out of his way to offer help, chatting with servers, etc. But a lot of it was a mask and I enabled him right up to the end by not telling people we had divorced until the decree absolute came through. We had lots of arguments during the time we were together because I definitely wouldn’t put up with that kind of BS. Good riddance. I don’t miss all that fake “happy family” masquerade. I didn’t realise how draining it was until I left him.

It is abuse @Butterscotchcloudstangerine as he's chosen to behave that way towards you. He's counting on you being too embarrassed and ashamed to expose him. You shouldn't be, it's not your fault or your responsibility. You don't need to put up with it.

My ex was awful too, I didn't even realise how bad things were until after. You just get so used to it.

Leave. Life is for living not enduring.

My father was like that. Mum eventually divorced him. Sibling and I wished she'd done it much sooner. His aggression was horrible to live with, we were always waiting for his next screaming shouting fit, and the atmosphere in the house was terrible.

What you have posted does not surprise me in the slightest.

Many men I have known in a professional capacity (especially successful ones) are very good at self promotion.

But, they do occasionally let the veneer slip and I've always wondered how they present at home.

It's sometimes (what they perceive) as "little" things like how they refer to their partner ("the wife/other half, never their name with an edge of distain) or make decisions without consultation "xx won't mind doing that" or "it's ok I'll get xx to sort it".

There is no way DH would "volunteer" me without consultation.

A big flag for me is when men talk about having to "babysit" their children if their partner is doing something and expect praise for their input. No. It's called parenting.

So what I would suggest is that as much as you think "the world" thinks your DH is a great person/husband I am not sure that is true.

Truth is most people are not going to say to you unprompted "I think you married an egotistical, self absorbed, nasty cunt".

Sure, there are some men can give an Oscar worthy performance of playing the best partner ever, but I think this is quite rare.

All that said, who cares what other people think/believe about your relationship? You need to think about what you want (and deserve).

Oh OP. I hear you and I’ve been there with exH. It wears you down doesn’t it? And I used to get a sick feeling in pit of stomach whilst in public as I could see how he manipulated people. He’s a master at it. Few people know what he’s really like - but I have some comfort knowing that they know. Sometimes he would even whisper things quietly to me whilst in public, whilst smiling so no one can tell his tone.

I don’t just accept it nowadays. I either ignore (he’s an ex) or I would just smile sweetly and call him a cunt wearing my most happy face.

If you separate you’ll be amazed at how much lighter you feel, almost immediately.

Outsiders will likely know something is off - bit they may well think it’s you (because he’s probably making quiet comments to influence others without it being overtly obvious).

Don’t pretend everything is perfect for others, that’s making a toxic situation worse.

I hope you find a solution which makes you happy. It’s no longer about him.

I recently sent DH a quote of something I read from Maya Angelou that resonated:

If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning 'Good morning' at total strangers.

DH is a sulker at home, but cares immensely about being nice to random strangers. The Amazon guy always gets at least two thank yous and usually a 'thats awesome' and then DH shuts the door and the mask drops.

I’m sorry to say that my sister was married to someone like that, she lived about 200 miles away from family, met him while she was in her 30’s working there. Didn’t see them that often but when we did he seemed great, a good laugh my kids liked him, he spoke respectfully about my sister and her great career, he had a good job as well. We all thought she had met a good one, then she came home to tell us they had split up no kids thankfully, when she told us what had been going on behind closed doors we were all shocked, my sister was a total kick ass and we never thought she would put up with that kind of treatment. Of course I know now that it’s not always that easy to get away. The fucker even tried contacting us directly after the split to get us to persuade her to go back, he was that deluded that he really was a nice guy. My sister didn’t get into another relationship for a couple of years she was that affected by the whole experience

Yeah. DH is the life & soul at a party. Mr Popular.
He’s an arsehole at home. An angry, small man…

Sorry to hear.

Sorry to hear.

I would believe you 100 % if you were my friend or sister. I have experienced it myself. I am finally at the stage that I don’t care what people think, I have to do what I know is right.

The old saying is true ‘if you want to know me, come live with me’

I can relate to this OP. My DH rarely shouts, but can be controlling including sexually and financially. But he has many good qualities, and is a good man and goes out his way to help others, I often feel he respects them more than he does me. He has a great sense of humour, always has to be the class-clown. Even my midwife who had to ask questions about my home life, who knows him through work, immediately said oh but X is so lovely so I know I don't need to ask this question!

Gosh, there's actually a name for it! It's very good. And just goes to show that this behaviour is common.

I don't know what to advise you, OP, except that to say I do know that men's tempers are a real problem. My late father had a very bad temper at home, and I married someone just the same. He left me some years ago, and I hope never, ever to live with an ill-tempered man again, but it seems to be everywhere and you never really know until you're trapped.

The only thing you can do, I think, is put your foot down about this behaviour. You're going to have to tell him that it's unacceptable. Have a think about whether you're prepared to leave him over it. That would be a massive decision with huge consequences, but on the other hand, do you want to live with an ill-tempered man for the rest of your days?

He might change if he knows it's a deal-breaker, but you have to be prepared to walk over it, and you might not be.

Between my dad and my husband, I lived with ill-tempered men for decades, and in my observation it's a core part of their personalities and impossible to change. That doesn't mean yours can't change, but it's hard, and I wouldn't hold out too much hope.

From my observations, I also think that men with tempers feel entitled to lose it and to dominate the women they live with via their anger.

I hope you felt able, if you wished, to seek help via other means.