You never know what goes on behind closed doors…

[Butterscotchcloudstangerine]

Namechanged.

My marriage isn’t in the best place, and this has been the case for some time. One thing I sometimes think about is how we look from the outside and how most people think DH is such a lovely man - generous, kind, funny, outgoing. He can be all of those things to me, sometimes, and it’s largely how he comes across to the outside world.

But behind doors it’s often different. He’s snappy, mean, and critical. He just lost his temper (again) over a very minor thing tonight, and I am sitting here thinking about what friends and colleagues would say if they saw him behaving like such a dick. I’m not just talking about how we ‘let our guard down’ at home btw, it’s worse. He’s not abusive as such, but just behaving like an asshole.

It’s probably getting worse as he ages, and right now I’m questioning our future. I’m not here for advice on whether or not to leave him as such, but I’m more curious as to if anyone has experienced similar, this ‘outside/inside’ behaviour? My closest know I’m not very happy, and once or twice they’ve seen him get snappy or critical - however, they don’t know the full extent. I can’t even bring myself to tell them some of the comments/behaviour, I am not sure why when they are all loving and supportive.

anyone know what I’m talking about?

Yes I know what you mean. It's not that my DH is nasty or mean but he's kind of an embarrassing dickhead. For example there will be a disagreement with our small Dc and I'll turn around to him expecting a shared exasperated shrug or laugh or whatever when instead I see a childish sulk identical to DC's. My DH actually isn't close with anyone but me and this has always caused problems as I feel he has nobody to reason things out with. Therapy helped a lot but I do wish there was a sibling or friend he let off steam to.

My dp isn't abusive, but he is difficult to live with. To colleagues and friends he is jolly, chatty and would bend over backwards to help anybody. (little boy seeking parental approval??)
At home, he is moody, e.g., 'I hate these dark mornings and evenings' (every day, several times), does not want to use anything electrical during the day because we get a cheap rate at night, is grumpy and shouty in traffic, and constantly tries to save money with DIY shortcuts (too numerous to mention) that end up being tatty and messy, and I'm embarrassed to ask people round.
He had an emotional affair (posted on here) and his closest friend said 'Oh he wouldn't do that to you'.
Everyone thinks he's great.

Yep. My my ex decided to leave, after he decided he’d had enough despite a lot of issues being him, my friends and family were all gobsmacked. I supported his hobbies that took him away from home and all the other things he enjoyed doing. I was never the wife who stopped him doing anything. But I do joke now that he’s a bit like Peter Pan and never really grew up. He even had another relationship after he left me and the kids and had another baby. A couple of years into that and she obviously decided she had had enough of all his lack of taking responsibility etc and she left him. We are amicable for the sake of the kids but he doesn’t see them much and since we e been divorced people have now commented how he seems to live a carefree life.

But yes. No one was aware of knew about the struggles we had as a couple. Outwardly we always came across as a happily married couple.

Being controlling sexually and financially towards your wife does not denote a good man. You deserve better.

You do know I hope that you can report his behaviour to the Police. A big brave step but perhaps a visit from the police might just sort

him out.

The problem is women may have more independence than in previous years but many couldn't afford to live alone. That's another reason why many women feel they have to stay. So many are reliant on their husbands or partners financially.

This post isn’t about men. And this is mumsnet, which is meant to be a space for women. Why on earth would you bring up the whole…… but men too…….thing? No-ones saying it doesn’t happen to men. It’s irrelevant to this post. Are you a man? I assume so. Let me tell you something for nothing, every single woman I know, no exaggeration, has experienced some form of abuse from a man. That’s from domestic abuse from a partner through to being sexually assaulted by people known to them or strangers and being bullied or harassed by men in the workplace, etc. So, whilst we agree that it’s awful for men who are abused and the female perpetrators should face legal and personal consequences, that’s a different discussion for a different thread. This was about the OP who is a woman and women face far more abuse on a daily basis than men do. Not only that but they are murdered at a far greater rate by abusive men too. I believe that 2 women a week are murdered by a partner or ex partner in England and Wales alone. So, let’s not try and draw focus away from that very serious, life threatening issue.

My father was a similar man, life and soul of the party, but at home, he was a workaholic and often absent from family life. My mother was not an easy woman to live with either but I think he made her worse, as he was financially abusive to her. I would call him out on this but it just resulted in arguments.

Publicly he was always seen as a do-gooder, looking out for the needy. After he died, I was out somewhere with my mother and was saying something derogatory about my father. I got shut down by the wife of one of his friends “how dare you say such things, your father was a wonderful man”, that kind of thing. I still wish I had challenged her but I didn’t, I shut up.

My first husband wasn’t good for me either (“nobody likes you”), but DP and I have been together for 25 years or so. He’s a good partner and father to our boys.

Do look after yourself OP, don’t stay if you have the means to leave. It will be a weight off you.

If you want to, start your own thread and you'll get lots of support and help to leave if you want to leave.

The nub of this kind of gaslighting and coercive controlling abuse, is that friends and family don’t see or understand it .
it doesn’t matter how much you try to explain it , unless you have been in it , it’s impossible to understand, IME the stuff my ex did was so
long term calculating and sinister it’s even really hard for me to believe even though I’ve got black and white evidence of what he was doing.
recovery and freedom is possible but it’s a journey x

So this needs to come out.

Re the comment upthread about women being perpetrators too: well yes, and also in same-sex relationships - one of the best books I've ever read which spoke to my own experience is 'In The Dream House' by Carmen Maria Machado which describes her experience of being in an emotionally abusive relationship with her girlfriend.

But the point of this thread, and what I think is so important is the specific way in which these men get to hide their tracks because, in public, they go against the ways that men are expected to behave. They use gender norms as a smokebomb to conceal their abuse. Look at this thread and others like it - poster after poster describing their relationship with an abusive man who in public presents himself as 'one of the good ones', kind, funny, charming, helpful, thoughtful, and so on and so on. And so no-one would ever believe that such a good man could ever be an abusive shit, and so the woman must be wrong/crazy/a shrew/etc etc, which is what makes these relationships so much more awful. There is no female equivalent of 'one of the good ones' because women are expected to be kind, charming, helpful, thoughtful all the bloody time.

👏👏👏👏👏

Yep! One of the ways in which all men benefit from the actions of worse men.

For me, it was my mother. Life and soul of the party and super charming; verbally and emotionally abusive and negligent, raging alcoholic at home. One of the clearest memories I have is telling her that it hurt every time I took a breath and she just suggested I stop breathing. I was 10.

The father/mother are dead now, the daughters are in their 50's now...it never came out....as is very often the case.

Whilst i understand your frustration, the best thing you can do is to be there for your friend - you don't know what is happening when you're not there.

I could write a book about abusive boyfriends, partners, husbands, inlaws, friends - the husband I married should have been drowned at birth. We ended up in family court for 5 years because he's a compulsive liar and a narcissist - no interest in our kids, only himself & what he wanted, stuff me - I got that - in the end! So after 12 years of emotional abuse that no-one else knew about except a neighbour and my doctor (briefly), I tried to talk to his mum & dad but the general feeling was that their son wouldn't behave like that (oh really!) & his sister didn't want to know. I was close to them all. I realised that the only person that could do anything about it was me - so I did. Quite by chance I met someone else who was in the same situation, I'd never looked at anyone else throughout the marriage and neither had this 'someone else', we'd both been treated badly for no reason at all - my children and my husband knew him before I did. It was my husband's bad behaviour/lies that brought us together - I had to ask him a question that I didn't think he'd answer honestly (I was used to that behaviour anyway) but he surprised me & told me the truth when I put him on the spot - we didn't even know each other at that time. My decision was made - no going back from this, final straw - I believed a complete stranger over my husband and from there I never looked back. We didn't know where we were heading & only talked by email & brief conversations for a few months. Then husband realised something wasn't right & I stuck 2 fingers up at him & told him it was over. Next day we left. This new man stuck up for me and my children, supported us through everything and he's never let us down. It hasn't been easy but we're pretty solid - both still married for 25+ years - partners won't co-operate so leave them to it.

In laws had something to say about it then didn't they - wanted to know why - so I told him to explain it to them. He still lied about everything and he's still doing it to the present day. Kids have nothing to do with him - they made their own minds up about him but they didn't come out unscathed - them being lied to by him and his family hurt me more - plus I had to tell them the truth or they'd never trust me either. I told them the truth if they asked me something or if there was a discrepancy in the 2 sides of the story - my life became one long explanation but I always swore I'd never lie to them. It has helped them to process and accept what they can't fix but that they also have a choice in what/who they believe and if they want to know more challenge it until they're satisfied.

We've spent hours talking about couples/family stuff/relationships - neither of us have had this before and it's so easy to live a normal life it makes us wonder what the hell happened. Ex is still the same but he's doing it to someone else now - not my problem.

My father was like that. Later on, when he ended up in a nursing home, he would get angry that I didn't visit him. He was the one being hard done by.

It never occurred to him to wonder why I didn't want to see him.

I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has posted. I'm an educated woman and at the time, I genuinely thought it was just me who had a Jekyll and Hyde partner (abusive). If anything, hopefully our postings will convince at least one person out there to leave/that it's not normal.

Thanks. I have started a few threads over the years and have recieved some really good advice. I have also contacted an outside charity for advice. I'm in a very difficult position atm but I'm trying to save up as much as I can. I only have £300 in savings atm as I only work part time and I'm not a high earner and cannot access the money my husband has. I am not feeling particularly strong right now to leave, much like many women here. But I am clued on to his behaviour, and am documenting everything. I hope I can be strong enough soon

1978 my mum wanted to buy a small plot of land using a small inheritance. She'd been working professionally for several years but still couldnt get a mortgage in her own name (without my dad being tacked on).

I was gobsmacked and I realised how people might view our marriage.

I've had this realisation. My close friend's husband works with my ex husband. They used to be friends, but fell out for much the same reasons why I'm now divorcing him.

Shortly after my husband was arrested and bailed for assaulting me, my friend came to me in concern. Apparently her husband had told her how mine was garnering sympathy at work because his controlling, difficult wife had kicked him out of the family home and wouldn't let him come back, was keeping him away from his children etc. The same controlling wife who wouldn't let him go to any work drinks or parties... That he never actually told me about.

It really shocked me, the difference between what life with him was like at home and how he was perceived by the outside world.

I got up to page 10 of 14 reading every reply but this is the one that got me. My ex wife is the most outgoing and awesome woman to everyone...except me. It's absolutely crazy making to see those people and their complete doubt personalities. So much stuff that resonates with me....'happy wife happy life', guilt trips, eggshells. I'm three years out now and I still doubt myself, think I'm still being 'too sensitive'. Bollocks to that, I just ain't taking her shit any more.
The thing that got me bout this post is that I'm probably exactly as described - a bit weird and distant. I used to have the question asked how me and the ex had ever got together!
This is a proper eye opening thread and I feel so sorry for people still in these relationships, especially when they know they can see through it but the abuser and the rest of the world see otherwise.
All I'd say to you is believe in yourself, you know the truth, be selfish if you need to and get out of there. Shit will hit the fan, kids lives might get disrupted and you might be poorer. But..and this is a massive one....you are the good parent/person. Friends and children WILL know this. Believe in yourselves and do the right thing.

The hard part is when there are young children and there is hidden abuse, perhaps after the children go to bed… displaced frustrations on the caregiver, unsupportive treatment, an unwillingness to seek help or counselling and controlling the finances.
The main caregiver is at a financial disadvantage and this is made worse by abusive and non respectful behaviour….
Plan, save, organise exit… no one should tolerate domestic abuse.