You never know what goes on behind closed doors…

[Butterscotchcloudstangerine]

Namechanged.

My marriage isn’t in the best place, and this has been the case for some time. One thing I sometimes think about is how we look from the outside and how most people think DH is such a lovely man - generous, kind, funny, outgoing. He can be all of those things to me, sometimes, and it’s largely how he comes across to the outside world.

But behind doors it’s often different. He’s snappy, mean, and critical. He just lost his temper (again) over a very minor thing tonight, and I am sitting here thinking about what friends and colleagues would say if they saw him behaving like such a dick. I’m not just talking about how we ‘let our guard down’ at home btw, it’s worse. He’s not abusive as such, but just behaving like an asshole.

It’s probably getting worse as he ages, and right now I’m questioning our future. I’m not here for advice on whether or not to leave him as such, but I’m more curious as to if anyone has experienced similar, this ‘outside/inside’ behaviour? My closest know I’m not very happy, and once or twice they’ve seen him get snappy or critical - however, they don’t know the full extent. I can’t even bring myself to tell them some of the comments/behaviour, I am not sure why when they are all loving and supportive.

anyone know what I’m talking about?

Had a friend at work whose aunt was with a "lovely man". All the family agreed, until he murdered her. Fortunately, only a few of them are that efficient at hiding their nasty side while most are all the more obvious the more "nice" they act. Mainly because they overdo it and slip into obvious creep territory. You will be surprised just how many will say, "I knew it", once he's out of the picture.

Exactly

Just be aware that you don’t know the build up.

I have exploded with STBXH on a few occasions. If he’d recorded them I’d sound vile and abusive.

But what you wouldn’t know is that what came before was him being triggered by something, losing his temper and spending an hour or more angrily blaming me for everything that is wrong with his life, calling me names, making generalising statements ‘you never’ and ‘you always’, bad mouthing my family, bad mouthing our DC. Looming over me, shouting over any attempt to speak.

Any attempt to either defend myself, question what he was saying, point out the aggression or ask him to stop would make it worse.

Then I would cry out of frustration and he’d mock me crying, call me manipulative and then I’d rage.

If he’d recorded those times out of context I’d come across as a monster.

I have learned that the only way to get it to stop quickly is to just stay quiet. Let him rant at me. Say nothing. He still rants at me for 10-20 mins but then runs out of steam.

So she might be and ogre. But it might be something called ‘reactive abuse’.

I tolerated this kind of behaviour for many years. Coercion, control, bullying, belittling, derogatory comments, silent treatment, withholding housekeeping.........you name it, I tolerated it.........until he raised his fist......then I walked away and never went back.
He came to see me and asked me to try again, said he would change but I knew he never would.

@Butterscotchcloudstangerine Oh OP, I am so sorry that at least for now, this is your life.

I am another one who understands. I know, and at last I can accept and be honest with myself, that this is what my now 10 years late departed Dad was like.

My also very sadly, late departed Dear Mum, was such a strong woman, but she didn't leave my Dad until after I was married and had children of my own. I can only hope that my father's mental cruelty did not lead to him ever also physically harming my poor DMum - I do think that she would have left him if he had, I certainly hope so.

My children are all adults now, and I still can't let them know exactly how mentally cruel my dad could be. That is partly to protect them, but also - awfully on my part - to still partly protect the memory of my father. He had an awful childhood after his DDad died when he was 7. His mother was cold and distant with him, and had always preferred his older brother. I am pretty sure that she didn't, and couldn't have, blamed him in any way for his DDads death - he was gardening, got a scratch, and died from blood poisoning.

My dad had almost worshipped his Ddad, and suffered from both, what he at least took to be, rejection from his mother, and the lonliness of missing my Grandfather so much. I honestly believe that my dad was what appeared to be a functioning adult, who also had at least one mental health illness. He was literally a lunatic, as whenever his behaviour got worse, it was always around the time of a Full Moon. But looking back now, I believe that he also always had very low self esteem, even though he had a brilliant mathematical, and academically problem solving, brain.

I think that I must still feel more sorry for him than I do angry at him. I genuinely don't think he could have stopped himself even if he had wanted to.
However, everyone outside of our immediate family, thought he was very funny, and very helpful. After my parents had both died, and my Mum's brother too - my adorable uncle - his wife could not believe me when I told her a tiny bit about my Dad, because she had never - in almost 60 years - seen that side of him. I only told her the small general insight into my Dad's behaviour because she kept on asking me about my DMum, and why she was like she was.

I am living in a much less, but slightly similar situation with my husband. However, I am certain that my husband would be devastated if he thought he had any similarities at all to my father. I am very, very tired, and finding life very difficult to cope with at the moment. Thank goodness for my DChildren and my absolutely adorable DGrandchildren.

I am also so very sorry for all the other Mumsnetters who have, or still are, living with one of these men. I wish that I had any sensible advice to offer; all I can offer is a huge virtual umbrella hug xxx

That’s my fear. That our mutual friends just won’t be able to believe it. I have two friends who are not his close friends who I talk to about the whole truth and have helped me to see it for what it is - abuse - but so many of our friends are mutual and he is such a good man in the eyes of others. Goes well out of his way to help. Looks like a feminist ally, an ally to those with brown skin, a thoughtful and socially conscious man. Does loads of childcare and domestic stuff. To the outside world I have the perfect man. No one would believe the venom he can spew.

"Start to keep a log of the nasty things he says and see if there is a pattern. Being an observer can often throw light on why people behave the way they do. Is he stressed at work, carrying the bulk of the finances, OCD, has a difficult family, short fused? Do you do something to annoy him like talk endlessly or not keep on top of things?"

Ignore this utterly ridiculous victim blaming advice. I've never read such crap.

Nothing excuses vile behaviour.

Do not be understanding. That is how women get killed or badly hurt.

This was my father to a t

Made me live with him after he and my mom divorced, played the big oh I look after my daughter because her mother can't cope to everyone especially women, always had a laugh and a joke for everyone and could be picky about friends cos everyone liked him, I was constantly on eggshells around him

He was a horrendously mentally abusive person to grow up with and I didn't get over it for a long time

Trust me OP some of your friends would not be surprised

i know of two “great” husbands who I can spot a mile off are actually not great at all

we are not all so easily fooled so don’t’t worry that all people believe his masquerade

He sounds like a textbook covert narcissist, as do many others "d"h's on this thread.

Everyone thinks they're the loveliest guy who'd do anything for anyone, but at home they're manipulative monsters. And they usually threaten to kill themselves when you try to leave.

I was once seeing a married (as it turned out) guy who was one and I've never experienced the like in my life. He completely lovebombed me, would look at me with such intensity, he had a terrible childhood, everybody loved him though and he'd regularly do massive favours for people/help out elderly neighbours (all this was stage managed in a very subtle way). He said his job was to do with helping people insulate/heat their homes but he would often do it for free for the needy (because he was such a great guy).

There were subtle "shows" though that at the time I didn't listen to as I guess I wanted to believe him. So his mask would slip and he'd say something mean about someone or speak to his dog in a nasty way if she got muddy. He called his wife names.

It turned out he was actually very much still married (he'd told me they were in the process of divorce) and she was completely oblivious to his cheating (although, I say that but she must've had her suspicions as she was tracking his phone).

When she found out he was seeing me he went into major manipulation mode and was threatening to kill himself, telling her I'd been pursuing him and was a slag etc. The usual!

I think she may have stayed with him and I often wonder about what she puts up with behind closed doors. My impression was they've been together a long time and she couldn't have kids so he was all she had. When I think of how he lied to and manipulated me in the short time I was seeing him I can't imagine the head fuck he must've done on her in 15 or so years.

Oh yes, I recognise this. This was how my mum was. She demanded loyalty too, so we weren’t to speak about anything that went on at home and show a lovely united front.

She was an alcoholic, utterly emotionally abusive, and a narcissist (I know this word gets thrown around a lot, but she was). It’s all unravelled now she’s in her 80s. She shows her true (& hideous & drunken) side to everyone these days. Her lies are ridiculous.

for your own health op, get out. I suspect you weren’t treated too well, in some way, perhaps as a child? I put up with a very depressing long-term relationship in my 20s (albeit good looking, cool, popular - but not a loyal or nice person) since I had been trained (by mum dearest) to expect crumbs.

@MySweetGeorgina what can you spot about this people that alerts you?

I'm just curious because my exh was expert manipulator. I would cringe with embarrassment at how he 'won' people over, knowing full well what he is like in reality.

#metoo

I try to put it down to stress - he works v hard and pulls his weight at home/life admin big time. But by god he has a sharp tongue with me sometimes :(

OP thank you so much for starting this thread. I hear you. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. You deserve better.

Im reading all of these accounts with a mixture of sadness that so many are in a similar situation but also a sense of huge relief to have found the thread and to know I’m not alone.

My first inclination that the behaviour wasn’t ok was actually posting a dilemma here and someone recommending the Lundy Bancroft book mentioned above. Bar the physical aggression, ‘Mr Sensitive Abuser’ is my life.

After a while, having really thought about it and how much is me, how much is him, I then plucked up the courage to send the description of Mr Sensitive Abuser to a good friend and said that this is what I’m living with. She has been amazing.

Another friend also got angry on my behalf when I told her I was upset over a particular issue. I started to realise that my behaviour in that incident wasn’t at all unreasonable. I realised how badly he had treated me.

Both are grounded, sensible, well informed professionals in mental health settings so I trust them to be clear, thoughtful and not chase the drama. They have been an amazing sounding board and support.

From there they have helped me to realise that he potentially has a ‘communal narcissistic personality style’.

Look up ‘Mr Sensitive Abuser Lundy Bancroft’ and the link to communal narcissistic behaviour here. Check out Dr Ramani on You Tube too and just reflect on his current and past behaviour to see if it fits. It might not but if it does then it will help you to make sense of it all.

It’s been painful but helpful for me to see that his care, kindness, fun side and empathy is switched on and off depending on the situation. He can switch it on for me, if he perceives me as being deserving of it or it benefits him in some way. If I dare challenge him in anyway or if I say something in the wrong tone of voice his wrath is always just beneath the surface.

The tipping point was realising he was verbally abusing DC and that it got physical - I had to hold a boundary and contact Social Services.

I am going to leave him as although he has admitted that what he does is verbal abuse and that what I do in my worst moments isn’t, and he’s having therapy and we are in counselling, there is a ‘but’ always there.

Yes I’ve been verbally abusive and I’m sorry but… and then a long tirade that boils down to ‘you caused it’, ‘you deserve it’, ‘it wasn’t as bad as you are making out’ or ‘I’m so stressed and overwhelmed because of you so I can’t help it’.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/communal-narcissism/

My very strong advice to you is to find a friend that you trust, who is sensible and doesn’t go in for drama and share a couple of examples of the behaviour that you have struggled with. Test the water.

You don’t need to put up with this. You deserve better.

My FIL was very much like this and my DH also, although to a lesser extent. What helped me to deal with it was Mumsnet! It was as though scales fell from my eyes, when I realised I was meekly putting up with shite and stupidly trying to appease a bully, such was my fear of his sulking, controlling behaviour. I found my inner anger and began to pull him up on it (nearly) every time. The worm (me) turned and he found it hard to believe. But now things are much better - no sulking and very little controlling behaviour. I guess he just copied it from his Dad and I never challenged him until I read thread after thread on MN demonstrating that you don't have to live like that. Never forget you have choices in the way that YOU behave, even if you're living with a prick. You might be able to make things better. If not, then LTB.

Another one who knows exactly what you mean @Butterscotchcloudstangerine, after 20 years together I divorced my XH a couple of years ago, and life is so, so much easier without him in it.

Again, charm personified outside the home, always ready to help others, apparently a real "family man"...nope, it was all show, at home he could be a nasty bastard, doing the absolute minimum with/for the DC, snide comments and filthy habits, gaslighting and coercion...all textbook stuff. It took me a while to see it, but once I did, there was no going back.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I promise there is a better life out there for you x

Does he realise it himself? Have you told him? Is it worth pulling him up on it every time he's like that?

I’m sorry that this is what you’re facing OP.

Your friends might not be surprised, I have some friends who have outwardly nice DHs but I seriously suspect nastiness (or more) at home. They tip toe around it as a subject occasionally but never enough for it to be a serious discussion.

I would support them 100% if they ever want to leave. I would believe them.

These men are rarely as convincing as you might think, we can see through them.

Can I ask what alerts you? I’m at a stage that I’m thinking of opening up to another friend but I’m petrified that I won’t be believed and I’ll be ostracised. He honestly is the most beautiful soul if you just look at his public persona. I don’t think he ever lets the mask slip. Apart from 80% of his conversation being his personal anecdotes, his opinions or his accounts of his do gooding.

Please can you tell me what you notice? As per my post above it’s so scary to open up when they are soooo good at appearing wonderful to the outside world.

I once got into a relationship with the best friend of my best friends partner. The reason I did so, was that he always came across as such a nice guy, willing to help anyone, never moody. An all round "good guy".

Once we were in a relationship I saw another side to him! He was controlling, moody, critical. Of course only in private, to everyone else he was still Mr congenial. One day we had an argument and he held me against the wall shouting in my face. That was it for me.

Sadly it did affect my friendship with my best friend. I do think she believed me but her loyalty was with her partner and his was with his best friend. That said, it was 1000% the right thing to do to end the relationship.

Oh god yes! Me too. I can see it happening and his adoring friends and clients who are so quick to tell me how amazing he is and when don’t then join in the gushing praise I look like I’m a mean wife that doesn’t appreciate what I’ve got which is exactly the message I’ve had from him for our entire marriage. ‘No one else would put up with me’ according to him.

Oh I absolutely believe her! When I say I find it had to believe I mean more the shock of it. Not to sound too dramatic as obviously I am not the victim there but it sometimes feels like I’m grieving my friend because he is just not the person I thought I knew. I’ve even questioned if he is some kind of sociopath to be able to present so differently!

I would encourage you to talk to your friends, people surprise you.

My dad was like this. I wish my Mum had escaped when she was young, so that she would have had a chance to live a happy life. Instead she stayed with him being constantly berated and bullied until he finally pegged it at a ripe old age.

I just want to say how much this thread resonates with me. I was in a very similar situation, and after years of turmoil, I finally separated from my ex-husband two years ago. It was one of the hardest but best decisions I’ve ever made.

What kept me stuck for so long were the trappings of middle-class life. The fear of financial instability, losing the house, or not being able to maintain the lifestyle we’d built together weighed heavily on me. I worried constantly about how splitting up would affect the children, and there was always this voice in my head saying, “What if leaving makes everything worse?” That fear keeps so many of us trapped in situations that are damaging to our mental and emotional health.

There was also the overwhelming social pressure—the idea that if you can’t stay married, you’ve somehow failed. I felt like people would judge me, that I’d be seen as someone who couldn’t “make it work.” And then there’s the narrative we’re fed all the time: marriage takes work. It’s almost weaponised against women, making us question whether the pain and mistreatment we’re enduring are just part of the deal. It’s so easy to internalise that message and stay far longer than we should.

For me, the breaking point was discovering that my ex-husband had been having a four-year affair. It wasn’t just the betrayal itself; it was what it revealed about his entitlement and complete lack of respect. That realisation shook me to my core and gave me the clarity I needed to leave. There was no coming back from it.

Since separating, I’ve found peace and clarity I didn’t think was possible. I’ve decided not to enter another relationship with a man again—not out of bitterness, but because I’ve discovered strength in myself and joy in a life I can shape entirely on my terms.

Threads like these are so important because they highlight the silent suffering so many endure. Sharing our stories helps others see they’re not alone and can help them untangle themselves from the fears and societal expectations that keep them stuck. To anyone reading this and feeling trapped, I promise there is light on the other side. You deserve a life of happiness, safety, and authenticity.

My only regret about our split? I wish I hadn’t stayed so long.