These stories are so sad, but not surprising. These narcissistic behaviour traits (not necessarily someone who is actually a narcissist) are surprisingly common. I often think that forums like MN might be one of the best things to ever happen to women in these relationships - they can talk about it and be told that actually, no, that's not okay.
@DHCommNarcName I think in terms of people believing you or not, this really does tend to fall into two camps. There WILL be some people who simply won't believe it, who will take his lies on board (there's a woman on here right now whose ex is in custody because of the threat to her and she has a friend telling her to forgive him becuase he's so "sad").
But there will be lots of people like me and others on this thread who will believe you, either because we've seen it before, or because we've seen the signs with you already. What signs? Well, ones I notice the most I think are when a woman in a situation like this will make a fairly innocent comment about something that she has now internalised as being COMPLETELY normal but actually, isn't. eg, meeting up for dinner and she says, "oh, sorry I'm late, I had to get the kids to bed before I could leave as DH just can't cope otherwise, haha". or she we might be talking about evenings at home and she'll say, "when DH travels I secretly enjoy not having to tidy up every toy before he comes home. <chuckle>" Or you see a lovely dress in the window, she's clearly thinking it looks lovely and you say that it will look gorgeous on her and she says something like, "DH hatse when I wear short dresses."
Or it's the woman who never seems to be able to make evenings out, or if you meet her during the day, she always seems to have a child tagging along becuase he can't/won't look after them.
Sometimes it will be ridiculous viewpoints she's absorbed,
SAHM: "Oh, I don't like to get my hair done too often - DH works so hard and I feel bad spending his money."
Sometimes, it's the things she seems to feel nervous about:
"ooh, okay, I'll have another drink but don't tell DH <nervous laugh>"
"I must get back - DH will be wondering where I am"
Similarly, the woman whose phone is never far from her hand in case her DH because he "worries" if she doesn't answer. Or will be texting or taking calls from him constantly when she's out.
Other signs, and this, I'm increasingly thinking seems to be something that happens as these men get a bit older - it's less of an issue when they're younger - are more around him. eg, he's lovely and friendly but you'll see an edge.
Or sometimes if she's opening up a bit she might tell a story about something SHE did that was really bad and she had to apologise to her DH for. Except... when you're listening to the story you're thinking, "hang on, this can't be right." eg, "I had to apologise to DH - I lost it completely when I came down this moring and the kitchen was a mess. I was a total banshee. God, it was so embarassing." But then, with just a tiny bit of prodding, it turns out that he had said he'd clean the kitchen, that this is a regular occurance and she' djust lost it on this final go. But you certainly can't convince her of it - she's totally in agreementwith him that him NOT doign the kitchen wasn't a big deal and she totally over reacted.
These are all real examples based on women I know who I have suspected in the past are in difficult/abusive relationships. One 100% was and has finally left. ONe's husband has genuine mental health problems driving a lot of it and, actually, is finally really working hard to address this and, as far as I can tell, is making progress. One I have lost contact with but I am 100% certain that her situation is probably the most chilling of all the ones I know. One I'm still on the fence about... it actually sounds like her DH might just be a bit clueless and she certainly feels he's working hard to adjust his behaviours so... I will continue to hope for the best for her!