You never know what goes on behind closed doors…

[Butterscotchcloudstangerine]

Namechanged.

My marriage isn’t in the best place, and this has been the case for some time. One thing I sometimes think about is how we look from the outside and how most people think DH is such a lovely man - generous, kind, funny, outgoing. He can be all of those things to me, sometimes, and it’s largely how he comes across to the outside world.

But behind doors it’s often different. He’s snappy, mean, and critical. He just lost his temper (again) over a very minor thing tonight, and I am sitting here thinking about what friends and colleagues would say if they saw him behaving like such a dick. I’m not just talking about how we ‘let our guard down’ at home btw, it’s worse. He’s not abusive as such, but just behaving like an asshole.

It’s probably getting worse as he ages, and right now I’m questioning our future. I’m not here for advice on whether or not to leave him as such, but I’m more curious as to if anyone has experienced similar, this ‘outside/inside’ behaviour? My closest know I’m not very happy, and once or twice they’ve seen him get snappy or critical - however, they don’t know the full extent. I can’t even bring myself to tell them some of the comments/behaviour, I am not sure why when they are all loving and supportive.

anyone know what I’m talking about?

My son said recently that

"Dad is an angry little man"

He lets slip in front of family these days. I'm mostly immune to his rants these days assuming it's an old man thing. A few friends and our neighbour have angry little men.

I was curious so googled Napoleon Complex. It's interesting. There's also a theory about falling testosterone levels being part of the picture, impotence. Going grey/balding, losing strength, their physique, not being able to attract young women any more. Inside they like to imagine they're still at the height of their powers . Reality pisses them off.

My father was like this. He was born in the late 1930s. Everyone thought he was so classy,so elegant,educated and the most laid back and charming man you could ever meet. He was the son of a man who cleaned the production line at a car factory. He hated that. He loathed his parents. Anything that wasn't the absolute epitome of 'middle class' horrified him. My mother went to a skittles evening at a local pub with her WI group. I will never forget my father turning to her and saying "I thought you were a woman of quality but you are nothing of the sort" . Said with absolute venom because he had asked her not to go to something he considered absolutely 'common' and she was defying him. He never raised a finger to any of us but he was an absolute master of cutting with words.

It's a recognised behaviour. It's called "short man syndrome".

Thank you so much for sharing that. It is so helpful. Funnily enough I had a dream last night that I discovered DH was having an affair. Those dreams used to make me feel sad, scared, angry. This one made me feel calm. A relief. It was a sense of ‘now at least people will see why, I’ll have reason that people will understand’. regardless of what people think though I am going to leave him. He’s not going to change.

Social media has added to this and tbh its not just the men fuelling it. DW gushing about their perfect husbands online. Loved up pictures of happy times when in reality he is a total wanker and she is shagging her BIL behind his back.

As long as its all love and romance on their social media its not happening.....

@Didsomeonesaydogs what a well worded post and really good to hear you made a good choice and have seen the better side of life. My issue isn’t a partner it is a sibling. He has all the artwork of ‘be kind’ etc all over his home yet he is vile to me because? Because he needs control. He is charm personified or holier than thou when other people are around but me alone - utterly vile. @Tessasanderson yes to what he looks like to the outside world all cultivated for what he thinks a decent person looks like. Talks horribly about his work colleagues, mocks people mercilessly.

My exhusband wasn't a nice man. He had a thing about motorbikes. I often used to let my mind wander to the scene where he had had an accident and the police would appear at the door to tell me that he had tragically died. I'd play the part of a grieving young widow to perfection but ,once the door was shut, I'd do a little dance of joy. In the end he left me for a 17 year old. He treated her just the same.

I met a dear friend of 20yrs yesterday who I suspect is in a financially and emotionally abusive relationship - but she only aludes to his temper. He's worth a small fortune but reviews her bank account daily and queries her spending (she's always lived v frugally imo), queries how long she's out of the house (unless its walking the dog), and throws a hissy fit if she doesn't accede to his demands. I've noticed she's drinks more - to numb herself I think. Her DC moved away asap so I think being on her own with him now and no DC to distract him doesn't help. I ask her whether she's ok but she just deflects the Q. She's trapped but is staying out of duty.

He may well be.

I started reading books about abusive relationships and my Amazon recommendations put “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” under my nose.

I thought “Well at least I don’t have that problem”…

2 weeks later it all came to light.

Agree.
Funny how often these men who torment women, then record the explosion when they react, and further torment them with the recording.

I am not for a minute suggesting that some women are not abusive too.

And now you know ladies how the saying "Merry widow". came about. They might go through the motions of grief, but there's a throwing off of the shackles too.

Whohasnickedthesellotape

Re your friend staying out of duty. That's a low bar she has right there and she is still putting him above herself. She thinks she is trapped but she has a choice even now re this man. I would readily assume that if your friend developed a serious illness he'd be off like a shot.

Your friend has been systematically controlled and therefore abused throughout her relationship and has sadly become inured to his abuse thinking there is no way out. She is wrong. Now that the DC have left home (and I daresay they do not visit very often because they do not want to see either of them) she's using alcohol to cope. Keep in touch with her as you do now and listen to what she says; ask questions of her life with him.

I’d second that your friends probably do know and won’t be nearly as surprised as you think. The person I know (now out of the relationship) was convinced that everyone would “be on his side” and liked him better but put up with her (even her parents!). She couldn’t have been further from the truth. We all thought she was fantastic and endured or were inclusive to him because they were a couple.

I don’t think he would. He’d not want to tarnish his ‘good man’ reputation.

I do think he will have someone in the wings though that he will be confiding in now and talking like a victim.

I have no proof but when we split my prediction is he will be with someone else within a couple of months, if not weeks.

That’s reassuring but what was it you noticed that you didn’t like ? What were the cues? I’m so scared that he will co-opt everyone into his narrative that I’m the abuser and he’s the victim.

I honestly, hand on heart, thought he never would either.

Now that I know the signs, I think there were others in the past too.

I’m so sorry. That’s shit. So glad you are free now.

Absolutely. My mother went through 59 years of a very difficult marriage. My father died nearly 8 years ago. She has travelled everywhere, been to New York for the opera season, changed the decor of the house and grown as a person. I bought her a card once that said " inside every guilded cage is a little bird waiting to fly". She has it framed by her bed. Like many of us she stayed because she felt it was a failure to leave / socially unacceptable to divorce/ she would lose the lifestyle his salary afforded. I stayed in my first marriage for the same reasons. It was made very clear to me that "once you get married you stay married". I had nowhere to go as I obviously couldn't go to my parents. So many people allow so many wasted years. I dare say I would still be there if he hadn't left me.

Ironically my DH is the opposite. I’ve worked with him before and he’s notoriously difficult at work. We were together a few years before anybody at work found out and when they did they were like, „how on earth could she stand to live with that kind of guy!“. At home, he has always been his best self- kind, warm, generous- all the good stuff. But temperamental sometimes but nothing out of the ordinary.

I think it comes from the fact that his father is and was an abusive bully at home and yes, you guessed it, loved throughout the village for being warm and friendly. Awful.

I used to call my ex Hannibal Lecter. A true psycho. Terrifying - but everyone outside the home thought he was amazing.

That midwife behaved highly unprofessionally imo and should be called out on it

It was lots of little things. In most stories he was the good guy and she was the one who couldn’t do whatever. His family came first, so she constantly acquiesced to MILs needs. He was “jealous” of the children so she spent a lot of energy on him when she had new borns. Her reputation with friends and family was degraded over time. I heard them fight once….he wasn’t a nice man at all. When they finally split many of our friends told me how hopeful they were that she’d get away.

Yep, if anyone saw my husband shout in rage and throw a pair of trousers down the stairs because I’d hung them up wrong they’d be absolutely shocked to the core. In public he’s the perfect everything.

In Scotland we have a “fireside divvil an’ a caussie (pavement) saint”, type is international, inter-generational, hides it well….

This is absolutely true.

You don’t know the whole story.

i have a very similar one where it came to light afterwards that my ex had selectively recorded an incident where I bit back and just lost my cool after years of pleading, minimising, wondering what I’d done wrong to trigger the moods and the sulks and the hitting inanimate objects, the baseless accusations of infidelity etc.

He then went full DARVO, playing the ‘poor me I’ve been abused for years’ card and playing the message to anyone who’d listen.

Luckily for me only a few people believed him and they weren’t very good friends, so.

How incredibly naive of the midwife.