You never know what goes on behind closed doors…

[Butterscotchcloudstangerine]

Namechanged.

My marriage isn’t in the best place, and this has been the case for some time. One thing I sometimes think about is how we look from the outside and how most people think DH is such a lovely man - generous, kind, funny, outgoing. He can be all of those things to me, sometimes, and it’s largely how he comes across to the outside world.

But behind doors it’s often different. He’s snappy, mean, and critical. He just lost his temper (again) over a very minor thing tonight, and I am sitting here thinking about what friends and colleagues would say if they saw him behaving like such a dick. I’m not just talking about how we ‘let our guard down’ at home btw, it’s worse. He’s not abusive as such, but just behaving like an asshole.

It’s probably getting worse as he ages, and right now I’m questioning our future. I’m not here for advice on whether or not to leave him as such, but I’m more curious as to if anyone has experienced similar, this ‘outside/inside’ behaviour? My closest know I’m not very happy, and once or twice they’ve seen him get snappy or critical - however, they don’t know the full extent. I can’t even bring myself to tell them some of the comments/behaviour, I am not sure why when they are all loving and supportive.

anyone know what I’m talking about?

I can really relate OP.

I have broken up with the DP I am talking about here - but it wasn’t until a few months after we broke up that I started telling people all the things he had done.

they were in total shock

1. That I put up with his behaviour
2. That I was able to put on such a front
3. That he would ever act like that

I don’t have the answers as to why I put up the behaviour, but I guess it’s to do with childhood trauma from not really having any loving adults in my life - so I was desperate to be loved by him.

I guess I never told anyone because then it would become real and my illusion that I had a loving DP would come crashing down and I would have face reality and be ‘alone’ again, even though the situation I was in was 100000000x worse than being alone.

I’m glad I’m out now, but I wasted a lot of years on that horrible man that I will never get back.

@Butterscotchcloudstangerine Tell the world the truth, that your husband is abusive.

Well done! Well done for scraping the poo from the sole of your shoe so you no longer have to put up with the stink.

Mine was like this too.

My XH seems like a great guy, pulled the wool over my eyes for over a decade, he's even supported 2 women at his work tthrough DV, which is highly ironic as he started out with the behaviour you're talking about and slowly became more and more abusive. I can't tell for sure but I really don't think anyone would have picked it who I didn't tell. Even now we're the picture of amiability in public, I'm sure everyone thinks we get on fine in divorce, but he's still an abusive bustard who bad mouths me to his friends and our DC, I just won't put our kids through having 2 fighting parents on opposite sides of the room at school events and weekend sport.

A good man does not control a woman sexually (there is actually a name for that) or financially. I hope you see your way to a better future. Just because someone has some good qualities it doesn't mean you need to spend your one precious life with them being controlled sexually and financially (abused is a shorter way of saying this). A sandwich can be great as a concept but one piece of shit will ruin it - and no one would expect you to eat it.

OP, I hope you also see your way to a life where you are not living with someone who is snappy, critical and mean to you. Imagine age 18 writing a list of qualities you wanted in a husband. Would you really write

snappy with me
critical to me
mean to me
lovely to everyone else

no one would. He is a loser.

My husband can drive me crazy at times. But he manages the extraordinary feat of being nice and funny and kind to people outside our family AND inside our family. he is nicer to me than he is to anyone else because I matter more to him than anyone else.

Mine too. He hit thd children and verbally abused us. Drunk and smashed up the house. He is an ex now. We live in peace.
Just walk away , I did.

My dp can definitely be like this. He has a great job, they all think he's wonderful. Funny. Kind. Caring. Behind cloud doors it's all out if the window. Sometimes, when he's particularly bad it upsets me to think he will have spent the day at work, making them all laugh. He is in a position within our small town where he does a role that also projects this.

However, I've realised from opening up, that some people - particularly when they've spent a bit of time around him - see the mask slip

There was a phenomena in Ireland where couples would put on an act in front of the priest (not my parents I should add), which Graham Linehan really captured.

Oooh I hadn’t heard this expression before. It’s spot on!

I suspect this is extended common

Classic covert narcissist by the sounds of it, there are many who walk amongst us. You’ll likely realise when / if you eventually leave that the emotional abuse you’ve been subjected to for all of this time has stripped a large portion of your self worth and your sense of self, this all helps the abuser in facilitating the abuse further as the victim struggles to put perspective on what’s happening and is often gaslighted when they challenge what’s going on. I’m really sorry this is happening to you, it’s very confusing to be in this situation. From your post you know it’s not acceptable how you’re being treated, maybe thing about the advise you would offer a friend if they shared with you the details of what goes on in your marriage and gift yourself the same kindness you’d give someone else, you deserve better and I will 100% guarantee that this will get worse and worse and a narcissist is programmed to up their game when they have made a safe territory and know you won’t leave. Good luck and take care of yourself xx

Like so many others, I can relate! My ex was like this. So charming and polite to others! But at home he was miserable, grumpy, critical, negative, easily offended, and gave the silent treatment at the drop of a hat.

Reader, I left him. And found a man who comes home full of smiles, who saves his best for me (and now our DD). When I met DP, one of the things I liked was that he clearly had no “front” whatsoever! These grumpy men are all front and pretence. Actors. Not genuine. And their choice to be lovely in public but unpleasant at home shows that they are (a) dreadfully insecure people pleasers and (b) don’t value the people at home, when they’re the people they should value most!

Have you brought this up to him? The way he responds will give you hints about whether he's doing it intentionally or not. Sometimes people are under great stress and try to keep it together around others to make it seem like things are okay, and other times people are genuinely assholes and pretend like they're not to outsiders.

A good man and supportive partner will be willing to hear your concerns out and go to counseling with you to fix them, if necessary. Just be aware of how he interacts with the counselor-- I had issues when my family went to counseling, and my stepdad, who was a genuine asshole to me but put on show for outsiders, started lying to, schmoozing, and manipulating the therapist, such that she began to believe that I was the one causing problems. Make sure he's being honest and actually trying to work on the problem, not blaming you.

Awful. My lovely dad is the opposite his job required him to be strict and he was renowned for being quite fierce but he was never once like that with his family always absolutely lovely and gentle. He was the exact opposite of this phenomenon I guess which is the better way round. As a result as adults all of us are in healthy relationships with good men.

Op, your h is abusive. He's bullying you. It's not acceptable to speak anyone the way he speaks to you. He does it because he can get away with it. Or thinks he can.

Flipslop is right. It only ever gets worse. I think it's a constant pushing of boundaries. He wasn't like this when you married him, was he? And now look?

I have just divorced such a man. I am suspicious of men who are overtly friendly and charming in public.

My ex was such a man. People were so shocked to find out the truth. Except many 'friends' don't seem to actually mind that much. He was verbally abusive for years. Name calling. Screaming in my face. Financially abusive too. Would get very and frighteningly angry when I asked for insights into our money situation. Turns out he's squandered hundreds of thousands of pounds. Turned out to be violent to me and is convicted of assault. Oh and the adultery. Endless it seems. I was terrified.

Please don't subject yourself to a life of even the smallest acts of meanness. You deserve to happy and not deal with this.

It will get worse. Protect yourself and your dcs, if you have them.

I am sorry you feel you have to live this way. You don't.

Why can't you tell your closest friends or family how he truly behaves?

Is it because you know they'll be appalled and wonder why you stay?

Once it's out there, the truth, there's no going back. And that can be a good thing.

However, public persona is really important to people like this.

If the truth ever did come out and his public persona was damaged, be prepared for him to ramp up his awful behavior by playing the victim at home once he realises the game is up. Mine faked a suicide attempt and it worked a DARVO treat.

I hear you. Its like they dont have to make an effort anymore. I hate it because theres just a trace of contempt in it....the subtext is, Im so sure youll stick around and put up with whatever I dish out, that I dont even have to make an effort to do the basics, like basic courtesy or interest. I actually said to my partner once in an argument, its like everyone gets the best of you and I get whats left over - and thats usually the dregs at the bottom of the cup. He did a double take - I could see he'd never thought of it that way before. But you definately can and should hold out for better for yourself and do not accept inferior treatment. when you accept it, let it go, try to be understanding of the pressures in their lives etc....it slowly but surely becomes the norm and not the exception.

Thanks to all who have posted.

Us too @Mudgarden xx

I empathise OP. My husband bent over backwards to appear funny, generous, engaged and likeable outside the home. He'd be first at the bar buying rounds of drinks...even though we couldn't afford it. If people were coming over he'd bake cakes, help clear up and be loving and affectionate towards me. Behind closed doors he was abusive, especially towards the kids. Very egotistical and controlling. It reached a point where a lot of my friends didn't believe that my unhappiness was justified. He even had my mum fooled and she's very cynical about men. This off course contributed towards me thinking I was imagining it and it was my fault. It wasn't until he cheated and left and I had counselling that I realised he is a covert narcissist. If manipulation was a sport he'd be an Olympic athlete.

Oh I’m so sorry. I hope you’re doing ok.

Your mw is out of order.
She should be keeping her assumptions to herself.
She’s prevented you from being open.

Narc?

My ex was charming with other people. The life and soul of a party. People loved him, raved about him. He was funny, engaging, helpful. Etc.

When everyone left and we were alone, not so much. I was stupid, inferior, my purpose to serve him.

We get what we settle for.

Sounds like you are already contemplating your options and potentially you should give those some more thought.

I wish I hadn't let myself be reduced but sometimes that's what happens over the years till one day you don't know who you are.
Just saying it doesn't have to be that way.

Between my dad and my husband, I lived with ill-tempered men for decades, and in my observation it's a core part of their personalities and impossible to change.

Also my observation in regard to my ex. Could be charm personified to strangers and acquaintances and an utter arse to me. Of course he blamed his rudeness and temper on me until I left him, but I am sorry to say that now, in the relatively short periods of time he plays outward Disney Dad to our kids, he can still be just as unpleasant to them behind closed doors.