You never know what goes on behind closed doors…

[Butterscotchcloudstangerine]

Namechanged.

My marriage isn’t in the best place, and this has been the case for some time. One thing I sometimes think about is how we look from the outside and how most people think DH is such a lovely man - generous, kind, funny, outgoing. He can be all of those things to me, sometimes, and it’s largely how he comes across to the outside world.

But behind doors it’s often different. He’s snappy, mean, and critical. He just lost his temper (again) over a very minor thing tonight, and I am sitting here thinking about what friends and colleagues would say if they saw him behaving like such a dick. I’m not just talking about how we ‘let our guard down’ at home btw, it’s worse. He’s not abusive as such, but just behaving like an asshole.

It’s probably getting worse as he ages, and right now I’m questioning our future. I’m not here for advice on whether or not to leave him as such, but I’m more curious as to if anyone has experienced similar, this ‘outside/inside’ behaviour? My closest know I’m not very happy, and once or twice they’ve seen him get snappy or critical - however, they don’t know the full extent. I can’t even bring myself to tell them some of the comments/behaviour, I am not sure why when they are all loving and supportive.

anyone know what I’m talking about?

It resonates with me how the partner can care so much about others or how they are perceived, often at the expense of the family at home. He would snap at the kids to stand aside to let someone else go first, so people thought he was a gentleman with his family in order.

My ex is a very charming, well presented man who people thought i was lucky to have. Some insightful people sensed it wasnt that case but no one could fathom that he was a terribly abusive man behind closed doors. Actually only when we split and he was threatening family that they suddenly saw it had all been a facade.

I know a couple of the parents at school where for various reasons, I've seen/heard the facade slip and I've realised they are very much like my ex. Very frightening.

@Butterscotchcloudstangerine all I'd say is by staying with this man, you are modelling a life for your kids to accept. I knew my children would end up in fear all the time/on eggshells or worst, they would marry the same. That propelled me to end things despite worrying I would die. You don't deserve to be treated this way by anyone.

You shouldn't have to live walking around on eggshells waiting for your partner to next explode / get nasty. It's not normal, op.

I only read your opening post OP ,but yes

@Butterscotchcloudstangerine hello :) I'm so sorry that you are going through this... I just want to write cause you wrote "he's not abusive as such" but what you describe is definitely abuse... abuse comes in every shape and colors and in my opinion you're suffering from a kind of abuse! I hope that you can find a better place and be happy 🫶🏼

Love this quote, will definitely use it.

Gosh my partner is just the same. Outside of the house people think he is so lovely. Inside the house he just can’t be arsed with me, takes his frustrations form work out in me. It’s all pretty mild and he doesn’t have a temper or anything like that. Just gives his best to other people and as little as he can get away with to me.

I overshared to my friend recently and she was shocked at what I told her, and actually asked if me and DH are ok. The fact is we are not and haven’t been for a couple of years now.
I wish I hadn’t said anything, but sometimes the burden of holding it all in gets too much.

Yes. And it is abuse, it’s emotional abuse. It’s a choice.
I’m willing to bet that he was nice to you too at first, wasn’t he? The unpleasant side came out later, when you were well inside the relationship?

Mine has traits of a covert narcissist. He has to be seen as amazing out in the world, but he’s less bothered with people close to him. If he has to let someone down it’ll be his partner or his kids or his mum… not Bob that he knows slightly from work 20 years ago.

My very close friend has started to open up to me about her troubled marriage. I would say it is very abusive although not physical. I’ve know her husband longer than she has over 30 years, he has been one of my closest friends since childhood, and I introduced them 20ish years ago. I absolutely believe her 100% and have encouraged her to leave but I have very much struggled to reconcile the man I have know most of my life with these behaviours. I feel like I’ve never know him at all and I’ve only ever seen what he has wanted me to see, and I feel manipulated to some extent. He is very much known as being one of the “good guys” and it’s so very disappointing to lean he is really not. Even now when I talk to him I have a pang of doubt and think surely this can’t be right, then I give myself a shake and remember it is sadly right.

Yes, my late husband was, according to his friends, such a great bloke. At home he was grumpy, particularly if he didn't get his own way, very sulky unable to discuss or compromise. It completely changed our marriage as without the ability to talk issues through and meet each others needs it's doomed.
I've not said this to anyone IRL, but before he died we really were not getting on. We hadn't for some while. It's sad but true.
And you are absolutely correct. No one knows what a person is like until you live with them.

It's actually weird behaviour.

My ex travelled two hours to go to the funeral of the father of a man he barely knew. Just had dinner as couples once or twice. It was bizarre.

He just didn't understand that it was bizarre.

The same man would very rarely if ever visit his elderly relatives but then make a big show of attending their funerals.

Public displays of 'goodness'.

Behind closed doors, he could be utterly toxic. We all suffered for it.

I would tell people but I certainly wouldn't be making a joke of it. Stupid suggestion.

I have this problem with my child. Outside the house, they are highly spirited, energetic, fun and playful. Inside, I’m regularly hit, screamed at, sworn at, kicked and bullied. It’s exhausting trying to hide how bad it is and how broken I am.

If he is controlling, both financially and sexually, then he is fundamentally not a good man.

That’s actually really terrible and so very sad. I remember sitting in a meeting once and someone had failed to ask safeguarding questions because the parent was known to us. They rightfully so got their arse handed to them on a plate by the boss.

I agree with this. My dh used to have a foul temper. He was funny, kind and generous most of the time but he could be truly vile when angry, usually behind closed doors. I got him a copy of the book linked and told him to read it and if he didn’t sort his shit out, I was leaving. He read the book, recognised himself and was totally mortified, he ended up in tears. But he booked into therapy, worked through it and has never even raised his voice to me again and that was years ago. So, I would get him a copy of the book. But if he cannot see it and isn’t prepared to address his issues, you need to start thinking about your next move.

ExH was like this. But raises money for charity, has thousands of followers on sm, entertaining, people actively worship him.
I was the devil incarnate when I left hi.

How could I? He's so wonderful!

They hadn't a clue.

Much younger me wailed to my lovely father about my then boyfriend. "I don't understand - he's horrible to me but is such a nice guy to everyone else".
My dad simply said, "He's NOT a nice guy if he's not nice to you". Stopped me in my tracks.

If he's not good to you he is not a good guy.

This absolutely works both ways.

For instance, I have a good friend whose wife is ostensibly the perfect woman, but she has a vile tongue and explosive temper behind closed doors - I heard a recording and was stunned, especially at how long she carried on.

I think that a lot of people who show such extreme behaviours are just frustrated and unhappy with their relationship, resentful that they can’t find an easy way out.

They say that many couples live a life of quiet desperation - just look around in restaurants at how many of them look utterly bored and barely say a word to each other.

OP, just move on.

I had a street angel house devil too (origins in Ireland I think)
Before the weight of holding this in crushes your soul, make a change.
Sadly we can only change our reactions to others behaviour (a magic wand would be useful) so YOU have choices to make.
I hope it works out for you @Butterscotchcloudstangerine .

I had this with my parents. They were churchgoers, did charity work, knew everyone in the area, helped out old people.

My mum was physically abusive to my dad and me. My dad stood by and watched it. Both parents mocked my lifestyle for years, forbid me to go to college, kicked me out of the home for doing exams. Nasty venom towards me for years.

I went NC in the end and still get absolute horror from others about what a terrible person I am for abandoning them in their old age after everything they've done for people in their lives.

Hope so, he obviously doesn't love her

This is why it's never a good idea to compare. We never really know what's going on.

Start to keep a log of the nasty things he says and see if there is a pattern. Being an observer can often throw light on why people behave the way they do. Is he stressed at work, carrying the bulk of the finances, OCD, has a difficult family, short fused? Do you do something to annoy him like talk endlessly or not keep on top of things? There is always something that lies behind something. If he is genuinely a nasty person and this is getting to the core of you, tell him about it. Have a few choice phrases to throw back at him instead of putting yourself in victim position. My aunt had a foul phrase she would throw back at my uncle when he started as he could be foul and it always fixed him - perhaps not acceptable in modern parlance, but definitely did the trick. It will show you are in control and not affected by his foulness. Perhaps something like: Sorry I don't respond to that tone of voice and go silent and carry on doing something else. If you do it enough, it may start to register. Also, some people get a kick out of upsetting others by belittling them and getting a reaction. Stop the gas and the car won't drive. Starve the fire of oxygen and it won't burn. Be in control. My other aunt would start to count the stitches on her knitting when my uncle started and kept repeating the count till he shut up.

Are you my neighbour? At least once a week I hear him shouting at her. Just badgering and going on and on. She will argue back but he clearly likes the sound of his own opinions.
In the community he's a 'good guy' and he does a 'good guy job'. I do wonder if his clients or colleagues ever see that side.
When we hear the way he spoke to her (couldn't not hear through the wall because of the volume), I did say to my DH that if he spoke to me like that, using the phrases neighbour did, I would

1. Laugh in his face
2. Leave

Lately several of my friends have opened up about their relationship problems, and in every case but one, have opted to stay put. It's not for me to tell them what to do, but I have said that I wouldn't be happy to tolerate things as they describe them.

@Butterscotchcloudstangerine what do you want to do? Do you want to leave? Is there any chance of redeeming the relationship (if you want to)? From what you say, this is deliberate behaviour on his part; charm can be switched on or off at will.
Lots of good advice on the thread for you to mull over.