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Original poster

Do you feel guilty for having an affair?

361 replies

fantalemom · 27/11/2024 00:11

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one.

Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner.

We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 29/11/2024 09:55

Dweetfidilove · 29/11/2024 09:11

I don't think people go looking for stable long-term relationships on a swinging website, so that doesn't apply to the OP.

I agree she may be overcomplicating what was essentially sex with a man advertising himself on a sex site. He's likely still there enjoying his escapades, while she's burdening herself with guilt.

Show quote history

Swung right past the “behaving with integrity” part, huh?

Peppermilk24 · 29/11/2024 09:57

OneRubyHare · 29/11/2024 06:35

Why did you stay with her though?

She has no respect for you, she didn't care about you enough to have boundaries and self control

Show quote history

I think that is a very simplistic way of looking at it. People stay for all sorts of reasons, emotional, financial, societal. I dont know how helpful it is to judge a person for staying tbh.

Buildingthefuture · 29/11/2024 10:26

@Didsomeonesaydogs My god, that is beyond horrific. I am so sorry.

betterangels · 29/11/2024 10:55

Didsomeonesaydogs Horrific. I'm so sorry.

STBXH’s affair partner was an accomplice in his abuse of his family and I’ll never forgive either of them. I wish them all the happiness they deserve.

And this is why I don't buy the 'I made a mistake' from either party. It's an active choice. And you really have to not give a shit about anyone but yourself and what you want.

Dweetfidilove · 29/11/2024 11:22

CheekyHobson · 29/11/2024 09:55

Swung right past the “behaving with integrity” part, huh?

Show quote history

Not at all. The OP has already accepted she didn't 'behave with integrity', hence her guilt. I don't feel the need to lambast her further.

I'm pointing out that it is somewhat ridiculous to think she would looking for a stable long-term relationship, when she says she was looking for a bit of fun, on a sex site.

Dweetfidilove · 29/11/2024 11:26

Didsomeonesaydogs · 29/11/2024 08:47

So let me tell you about the side of affairs that the affair partner doesn’t see.

My STBXH had a four year long affair and when it came to light two years ago it upended all our lives and my family was ripped apart.

I have lived through some terrible stuff in my past (like “unintentionally making people cry when I talk about it” kind of territory) and NOTHING in my life has ever hurt me so much as his affair. I had passive ideation for a long time. I still have fortnightly therapy sessions. Nobody who hasn’t been through this can fully grasp just how devastating it is.

Without going into a level of detail that will out me, as a result of STBXH’s behaviour at home during his affair, teenage DD was so traumatised she developed psychological issues which manifested as physical symptoms. Think along the lines of losing the use of body parts without warning. I couldn’t work because it was dangerous for her to be alone and for a significant period of time I couldn’t let her out of my sight. She lost all her independence had to delay learning to drive due to these issues. At one point I wondered if she would ever live independently.

DS hates his father for how he conducted himself and barely speaks to him. For a year after the separation he pretty much opted out of life. He’s trying to pull himself out of it but still struggling and he too has suffered from passive ideation.

None of this would have been the case had STBXH ended things in a fair and dignified way. It would have been so much easier to accept if he had just said he wasn’t happy and wanted to split. Instead he kept me married to him under false pretences, still having weekly sex btw, so he could keep his easy and comfortable life but pretending to be single when I wasn’t looking. (I also ended up with needing treatment for pre cancer from hpv due to his activities.)

In order for him to live with the cognitive dissonance the affair caused, he had to build this narrative that I was a terrible wife. Although I wasn’t perfect, I was not, of course, a terrible wife, so he had to construct scenarios whereby he could justify his behaviour. Because if he was cheating on a good wife that would make him an entitled POS, and nobody can be the villain of their own story. He was so awful to live with during for the years this was going on, one of DDs mental health team told me it was abuse and I was in denial.

I had it in my head he was a decent man who would never cheat on me, I just needed to be a better wife, keep things running smoothly and everything would be fine. I tied myself in knots trying to please him, not realising he had already given up on us and clearly despised me for just existing.

I will never trust anyone again, because I would quite happily live without love forever to never risk going through that experience twice. The kids are now doing better, they’ll never go back to the way they were and we’ve all paid a very high price for his affair with our physical and mental health. That’s the side of it people don’t see. It probably doesn’t even occur to them.

Anyone having an affair is an accomplice in the destruction of a family and all the individuals in it. They can’t possibly understand the level of damage they cause.

STBXH’s affair partner was an accomplice in his abuse of his family and I’ll never forgive either of them. I wish them all the happiness they deserve.

This sounds truly horrific.

Your husband can't have been a decent one at any point. He may have been great at masking what a shit he is, but no decent person could watch the people he's meant to love go through this and continue for 4 years.

Pickle991 · 29/11/2024 11:32

Tbh if it happened to me I wouldn’t even be remotely concerned about the OW. I’d be concentrating on how I managed to pick such a shit partner and work on fixing that.

I would not stay and choose him for a second time.

DemiSec9 · 29/11/2024 13:45

Didsomeonesaydogs · 29/11/2024 08:47

So let me tell you about the side of affairs that the affair partner doesn’t see.

My STBXH had a four year long affair and when it came to light two years ago it upended all our lives and my family was ripped apart.

I have lived through some terrible stuff in my past (like “unintentionally making people cry when I talk about it” kind of territory) and NOTHING in my life has ever hurt me so much as his affair. I had passive ideation for a long time. I still have fortnightly therapy sessions. Nobody who hasn’t been through this can fully grasp just how devastating it is.

Without going into a level of detail that will out me, as a result of STBXH’s behaviour at home during his affair, teenage DD was so traumatised she developed psychological issues which manifested as physical symptoms. Think along the lines of losing the use of body parts without warning. I couldn’t work because it was dangerous for her to be alone and for a significant period of time I couldn’t let her out of my sight. She lost all her independence had to delay learning to drive due to these issues. At one point I wondered if she would ever live independently.

DS hates his father for how he conducted himself and barely speaks to him. For a year after the separation he pretty much opted out of life. He’s trying to pull himself out of it but still struggling and he too has suffered from passive ideation.

None of this would have been the case had STBXH ended things in a fair and dignified way. It would have been so much easier to accept if he had just said he wasn’t happy and wanted to split. Instead he kept me married to him under false pretences, still having weekly sex btw, so he could keep his easy and comfortable life but pretending to be single when I wasn’t looking. (I also ended up with needing treatment for pre cancer from hpv due to his activities.)

In order for him to live with the cognitive dissonance the affair caused, he had to build this narrative that I was a terrible wife. Although I wasn’t perfect, I was not, of course, a terrible wife, so he had to construct scenarios whereby he could justify his behaviour. Because if he was cheating on a good wife that would make him an entitled POS, and nobody can be the villain of their own story. He was so awful to live with during for the years this was going on, one of DDs mental health team told me it was abuse and I was in denial.

I had it in my head he was a decent man who would never cheat on me, I just needed to be a better wife, keep things running smoothly and everything would be fine. I tied myself in knots trying to please him, not realising he had already given up on us and clearly despised me for just existing.

I will never trust anyone again, because I would quite happily live without love forever to never risk going through that experience twice. The kids are now doing better, they’ll never go back to the way they were and we’ve all paid a very high price for his affair with our physical and mental health. That’s the side of it people don’t see. It probably doesn’t even occur to them.

Anyone having an affair is an accomplice in the destruction of a family and all the individuals in it. They can’t possibly understand the level of damage they cause.

STBXH’s affair partner was an accomplice in his abuse of his family and I’ll never forgive either of them. I wish them all the happiness they deserve.

I’m sorry that this happened but this really is an extreme response. You must have been unhealthily co-dependent.

Loads of relationships break up and lots of people have affairs. There’s no need for everyone affected by it to totally lose the plot and go mental. It’s up to you to rationalise what’s happened with your kids. Maybe he just fell for someone else. He didn’t become Satan.

Pickle991 · 29/11/2024 13:48

DemiSec9 · 29/11/2024 13:45

I’m sorry that this happened but this really is an extreme response. You must have been unhealthily co-dependent.

Loads of relationships break up and lots of people have affairs. There’s no need for everyone affected by it to totally lose the plot and go mental. It’s up to you to rationalise what’s happened with your kids. Maybe he just fell for someone else. He didn’t become Satan.

Show quote history

Very true.

3luckystars · 29/11/2024 14:15

I agree also.

MaryGreenhill · 29/11/2024 14:17

OP, you did the right thing in the end try to put it all behind you and think that it was a valuable lesson learned .

CheekyHobson · 29/11/2024 17:34

There’s no need for everyone affected by it to totally lose the plot and go mental.

”Go mental”? Are you fucking for real? Disgusting.

Elasticatedtrousers · 29/11/2024 18:10

And the award for empath of the year goes to the wonderful @DemiSec9 with

'There’s no need for everyone affected by it to totally lose the plot and go mental. It’s up to you to rationalise what’s happened with your kids. Maybe he just fell for someone else. He didn’t become Satan.'

When talking about a man who gaslit, lied, betrayed, manipulated, stole the right to informed sexual consent, risked his wife's mental, sexual and physical health and removed her personal agency of his wife for FOUR YEARS!!!

Claire903 · 29/11/2024 18:11

In books/ TV and Media I think affairs are often portrayed as wild, mind-blowing, ultra passionate amazing sex. It suggests that because it's an affair, it enhances the experience.

Those who have done it, was that the case or was it actually a complete let down where you are actually feeling the guilt as it is happening?

Rudolfinium · 29/11/2024 20:09

@Claire903 Can't speak for anyone else but the first one, definitely. But I don't know if it was the "experience" or the person to be honest. However it was an incredible high, no letdown at all. It wouldn't have continued into affair though if it had been a letdown would it?

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 29/11/2024 20:10

@3luckystars kind of has it and this is something that I've pondered for a while.

When you've been single as long as I have you see things that people in couples don't. Many, many men cheat. Far more than we are comfortable admitting as a society. Too many for all the "not my Nigels'" to be accurate. And we cannot let ourselves acknowledge the true number anyway - we need society to continue in the way that it is. It's very important. We need to continue living in our bubbled fairytales where ppl think their man is in the 10% that wouldn't cheat. And why not?? It's a nice to live that kind of love story after all.

But I would be so angry at his carelessness that led to me finding out! How dare he shatter my fairytale of 10% with his sloppy inability to cover his tracks properly. I guess what I'm saying is I would think it statistically likely, but I would like him to at least have the common sense to never let me or anyone else find out.

CheekyHobson · 29/11/2024 21:16

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 29/11/2024 20:10

@3luckystars kind of has it and this is something that I've pondered for a while.

When you've been single as long as I have you see things that people in couples don't. Many, many men cheat. Far more than we are comfortable admitting as a society. Too many for all the "not my Nigels'" to be accurate. And we cannot let ourselves acknowledge the true number anyway - we need society to continue in the way that it is. It's very important. We need to continue living in our bubbled fairytales where ppl think their man is in the 10% that wouldn't cheat. And why not?? It's a nice to live that kind of love story after all.

But I would be so angry at his carelessness that led to me finding out! How dare he shatter my fairytale of 10% with his sloppy inability to cover his tracks properly. I guess what I'm saying is I would think it statistically likely, but I would like him to at least have the common sense to never let me or anyone else find out.

What a tragic perspective.

Most research puts men cheating at around 20 percent (and that is 'have ever cheated', not necessarily an ongoing behaviour), and even if you were to more than double that to 50 percent (which based on my own observations I would say is way too high) then you are still nowhere near 90 percent.

I think you should look at your social context if you genuinely believe that 90 percent of men cheat on their partners. I suspect there are sectors of society where cheating is quite normalised (gang culture, for example) but this isn't the case across the board at all.

MaxTalk · 29/11/2024 21:18

CheekyHobson · 29/11/2024 21:16

What a tragic perspective.

Most research puts men cheating at around 20 percent (and that is 'have ever cheated', not necessarily an ongoing behaviour), and even if you were to more than double that to 50 percent (which based on my own observations I would say is way too high) then you are still nowhere near 90 percent.

I think you should look at your social context if you genuinely believe that 90 percent of men cheat on their partners. I suspect there are sectors of society where cheating is quite normalised (gang culture, for example) but this isn't the case across the board at all.

Edited
Show quote history

Depends how you define cheating...

3luckystars · 29/11/2024 21:19

Exactly!!!

CheekyHobson · 29/11/2024 21:25

MaxTalk · 29/11/2024 21:18

Depends how you define cheating...

Show quote history

LOL, I suppose if you define cheating as "has ever felt some kind of attraction towards another woman" you could get to 90 percent but even if you're including emotional affairs I don't think you could say that even 50 percent of women in relationships are being cheated on.

I also don't think cheating is particularly easy to hide, and there's no hidden epidemic that research can't uncover. I know some women are shocked to learn their partner has cheated (and there may be lots of reasons they haven't seen it), but frankly, in every instance where I've been told that someone's partner has cheated, my internal reaction is "Yup, that tracks."

I can think of a couple of guys I know who I would lay money cheat on their partner, even though I don't have any hard evidence. You get a vibe for the ones who are candidates though.

Grammarnut · 30/11/2024 00:12

Well, you didn't have an affair in the sense of being unfaithful to someone. But you participated in someone else's betrayal. You will have to learn to forgive yourself - unlikely anyone on here will - and learn from the mistake. Having an affair blighted part of my life but I am no longer sorry I did it because I picked up the pieces and found a better relationship than either of those I left. You do the same.

Buildingthefuture · 30/11/2024 06:22

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 29/11/2024 20:10

@3luckystars kind of has it and this is something that I've pondered for a while.

When you've been single as long as I have you see things that people in couples don't. Many, many men cheat. Far more than we are comfortable admitting as a society. Too many for all the "not my Nigels'" to be accurate. And we cannot let ourselves acknowledge the true number anyway - we need society to continue in the way that it is. It's very important. We need to continue living in our bubbled fairytales where ppl think their man is in the 10% that wouldn't cheat. And why not?? It's a nice to live that kind of love story after all.

But I would be so angry at his carelessness that led to me finding out! How dare he shatter my fairytale of 10% with his sloppy inability to cover his tracks properly. I guess what I'm saying is I would think it statistically likely, but I would like him to at least have the common sense to never let me or anyone else find out.

I am married but I’ve worked with men for decades and I absolutely agree with this. It’s bloody rife! A fair few do get caught (they are always surprised when they are??) but most will manage to lie their way out of it. I do not live in the “not my Nigel” camp!

ByGentleFatball · 30/11/2024 06:51

OriginalUsername2 · 28/11/2024 12:36

I found out the father of my children was sleeping with women at his office by looking down at my vagina and finding warts.

I then had to go to the STD clinic and tell them the person at the reception that I had warts. Then I had to explain to a different person that I had warts. Then I had to be taken into a room, undressed from the bottom down and asked to go on all fours on a table and spread my legs. I was sprayed in my personal areas with liquid nitrogen whilst feeling like an animal and sobbing my heart out.

One of the woman who slept with the father of my children had passed it through him to me. He had no symptoms but I had disgusting ones. God knows how many others in the office got infected and knew or didn’t.

So there’s that.

You could have had HVP for years

downwindofyou · 30/11/2024 11:29

@ByGentleFatball
She could have had it for years but seeing that he did sleep around and one person he shagged did have warts I think we can pretty safely assume that is where the poster got the warts from

OneRubyHare · 30/11/2024 23:40

ThatBrickRaven · 29/11/2024 07:28

So if someone has a headache, throwing up, nausea do they have a brain tumour? Or do they have a virus?Both have similar indicators can’t diagnose someone with a personality disorder with something you have read from an internet site! 😂😂😂😂. Don’t bandy words around that you aren’t qualified to use. You dont know any of these people! Also what is it with labelling? Narcissist, sociopath and sick fucks?! Can’t you state your point without resorting to this?!

im not defending anyone who knowingly has unprotected sex or cheats etc. I just don’t see the point in attacking the OP who came on here saying she feels bad. She’s not boasting, she’s remorseful for her part in what happened. She met a guy on a site who chose to be there. He made vows he didn’t keep, he cheated. She’s single and yet seems to have more remorse than he does. Why attacks her when she is low?

Show quote history

You're just being an arse now

And as for the OP being remorseful for what she did and why am I attacking her?.....

She specifically stated she went on the swingers site to find a married to 'have some fun with' it was all fun and thrills, the sex was great.... Then the man started getting feelings, which gave her the ick. So then she ended it and suddenly started feeling guilty

If he hadn't have got feelings she would have most likely carried it on. She only stopped when he got serious

So what does that tell you?

And there are plenty of single fellas around, she made the choice to go after a married man when there's plenty of single ones

She is just as bad as the married man is

So why should I have sympathy for her? I have sympathy for his partner though...

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