Do you feel guilty for having an affair?

[fantalemom]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one.

Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner.

We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

Why do you think you have so little respect for yourself?

no, what I’m saying is that it’s not always clear cut that it’s one thing or another. I know a woman who grew to hate sex with her husband but didn’t want to upturn her whole life so didn’t mind her husband finding sex elsewhere as she wasn’t interested.

I’ve been cheated on several times actually. Once was really devastating and once gave me a way out of a relationship that wasn’t good; the final push to end it. Once also when I was v young and I realised the guy had a totally different view of relationships to me.

I think lots more people cheat than you think.

Not sure you've seen my post, but just in case I'm copying it below... Your anger is misdirected.

I would not feel guilty at all. He was the married one, he's responsible for his choices. Let's stop blaming the woman when a man cheats on his wife. I have never been with a married man, and I never would, simply because I'd hate to be 'the other woman' (like Madonna said, don't go for second best, baby) but I would not feel guilty if I did. You can't force a man to have an affair, if he chooses not to. I think those women whose husbands have had affairs, find it easier to blame a 'temptress' who forced their man to cheat on them, rather than admitting the man was responsible for his own decisions... a cheater will cheat, regardless of the woman/women around him!

Not sure you've seen my message, but just in case I'm copying it below... Your anger is misdirected.

I would not feel guilty at all. He was the married one, he's responsible for his choices. Let's stop blaming the woman when a man cheats on his wife. I have never been with a married man, and I never would, simply because I'd hate to be 'the other woman' (like Madonna said, don't go for second best, baby) but I would not feel guilty if I did. You can't force a man to have an affair, if he chooses not to. I think those women whose husbands have had affairs, find it easier to blame a 'temptress' who forced their man to cheat on them, rather than admitting the man was responsible for his own decisions... a cheater will cheat, regardless of the woman/women around him!

Sorry, that was not for you, but for the original poster SomersetS!!

@SomersetS I think that’s a lot of anger and bitterness to carry around and bitterness hurts you more than anybody else. The best thing you can do is move on with your own life.

A friend of mine has this year chucked her cheating husband of 27 years out. She discovered numerous affairs from when their kids were young - all ‘casual’ usually with married women, both seeking sex outside marriage but not a relationship. She didn’t want that and although ending the marriage has been painful, she’s building a brilliant new life for herself, rebooted her career and is better than she has been for YEARS.

No I wouldn’t as qualified psychiatrists dont diagnose people from an internet forum!!! 🤦‍♀️you cant read something online - no matter the website- and use it to label people. If that could be done why would there be actual psychiatrists? With offices and clients and appointments - there would be no need for them as the internet would diagnose everyone? Surely you can comprehend that? Honest about what? - people like you using a faceless site to bandy about words in an attempt to hurt vulnerable people who have asked for help?

I’m engaging with you as you are prolifically attacking and name calling people who have come here for help. Whatever anger you are working out this is not the place. I think real life help would be better for you

I would never want to be responsible for doing something, no matter how badly I wanted to do it, that I knew would seriously harm another person.
I would never want to do anything which I knew was helping someone mentally abuse another person.
I would never want to knowingly help anyone do something immoral which I knew could potentially devastate a family and put them, including their children, through terrible trauma.
If I did I would consider myself an accomplice in a hurtful and selfish act. They robbed the bank at gunpoint but I drove the car and took my share of the money.
If I did, I wouldn’t expect the people I knowingly helped to harm by my activities and silence to like me, sympathise that I was harmed too, when I knew what I was doing, or not blame me for contributing to the upending of their lives and mental trauma suffered.
I would expect to be blamed as part of the reason that they are going to suffer the humiliation of having to have an STD test because I allowed their husband to sleep with me, a person whose sexual history they cannot possibly know or trust. He chose to have sex with me but I consented and helped triangulate their sexual history, but without the consent or knowledge of the third party.
If I know that my actions have helped harm another, I would not expect their husband’s marriage vows to be my cop out or excuse for willingly and knowingly taking a starring role in awful behaviour.
Other people’s murky and grim choices can never be used as an excuse for yours. Children do this, try to blame others when caught in wrongdoing, not responsible adults. Somebody else’s awful behaviour is always their responsibility, but if you knowingly join in and help, even encourage, then blame them when accused, you are no better than the five year old on the playground who says “Well, he started it.”
Both you and the five year old know better, but you are not five.

Who do you think you are to say that someone has no respect for themselves? Can you understood how undermining, horrible and nasty that comment was to anyone who has stayed with a partner after cheating? You have no idea of the circumstances under which people stay. You should be ashamed of yourself posting that. I agree with other posters who have challenged you - there is no need for your constant diatribe and name calling. Have some respect for yourself and others and think before you post!

Why is it down to strangers to protect the integrity of someone’s relationship when one person that relationship decided to cheat? You are attempting to foist your own standards onto someone else. I don’t condone cheating but I won’t blame a stranger for something a committed person decided to do. Is despicable another name you have decided to throw into the mix as you can’t make a sensible argument without resorting to labelling and name calling? You talk of being attacked but you attacked a person who came on this site for help - admitting they felt shit about something they did whilst single themselves. I think you don’t like people standing up to you! Tough!

There's no hard and fast rule in processing a partner's infidelity. It depends on life's situations and how invested you are.

In my experience, it was both parties, my cheating wife and her lover who played their part in the infidelity. Both conspired through lying and deception to keep the affair secret, which they did do for a year. My wife's lying was a breach of trust, whereas her lover's lying was opportunistic and self-interested as he was getting his leg over. Both compromised me to a greater or lesser degree.

In the end, it wasn't the physical side of their relationship which bothered me. I processed that rather quickly. It was the deceit and conspiring which I had difficulty with. I felt I knew my partner but obviously, I didn't. We stayed together but I felt like I had to get to know her again, whilst bearing in mind what she had done.

Its a brave thing to stay in a relationship where your trust has been breached. I commend you for it, lots wouldnt be able to.

Just my opinion, but there isn’t that many ‘single men.’ I know that keeps getting posted here but there really isn’t. That are always involved with someone or up to something. I have yet to meet a completely single man.

Now, and I want to double underline this in red biro, there is NO excuse for someone who is pretending to be happily married, having an affair and being dishonest. That is completely wrong and awful. But it goes on everywhere and it’s not always black and white.

I'm certainly not going to judge anyone.

I can understand having zero sympathy for the OW.
However, the only person who messed up the marriage was the husband.

Protecting “the integrity” of someone else’s relationship has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I wouldn’t touch a man with a partner.
I wouldn’t touch a man with a partner for my OWN integrity, no one else’s. @Thewookiemustgo has nailed it. Any hint of participation in an act that is so utterly destructive to someone else’s relationship and totally innocent children, whether I know them or not, is abhorrent to me.
And yes, those are my standards and my boundaries. It is easy to say “if it hadn’t been me it would have been someone else”. Ignoring the fact that that basically admits you’ve shagged a…..shagger? Then no, that will never be me. For no one else but me.
It’s called personal responsibility, you should give it a try. And if you don’t like that? Tough!

And that’s your prerogative! You are an individual with agency- who you choose to sleep with and what rules you apply around that is your business. Same as other women can make their choices. I take responsibility for what I do - but not other people!

so no - I don’t find it tough at all! HTH😂

It always surprises me on these threads how many people seem to think an affair is just about sex. A long-term affair is rarely just about having a quick shag.

Ok. So you would willingly and knowingly shag a married man? Yes or no? And what about the husband of a friend? I mean, she’s just a friend you don’t owe her anything, he’s the married one. You would shag him too? Yes or no?

Everyone’s choice is their own. The rules you apply around that are indeed your own business.
When they adversely affect other people’s mental and/ or physical health and you really don’t care as long as you feel good, you might, however, want to reassess your personal boundaries.
If not and you stand by your hurtful choices, you are helping to hurt others so you can hardly be surprised when people disapprove of or are disgusted by them.
My choices are my business and responsibility, totally agree.
If I shove myself into somebody else’s marriage or relationship however, it most certainly becomes their business too.

I totally agree. I’ve never cheated or been Cheated on as far as I’m aware. A person very close to me was cheated on and she said that the thing that hurt the most was not the sex but the intimacy surrounding it- the cuddling and meals, walks, secrets. Basically the relationship that was behind it. She ended that marriage. From what I gather he was a constant cheater. Horrible man. I don’t know if I could forgive an affair - that’s me personally. I don’t think I could live with someone not trusting them. It’s a brave thing to do - to try to rebuild - I just don’t think I’d have it in me

@Thewookiemustgo totally agree, if I do something that I know will be hurtful or damaging to someone else, whether I know them or not and whether that is in business or friendship or relationships or anywhere. That is MY responsibility. And bleating that “he did it first” or “everyone else is doing it” is playground crap from people who haven’t actually ever learned to take responsibility for themselves.

where have I said I would ever shag someone attached? Have you read my posts? I said I wouldn’t make a single person responsible for what a married person does. If my partner cheats the blame is on him ! He made promises he didn’t keep - not Jane who he met on a night out. Also, am I in the dock here with yes or no answers? 😂😂😂

Yes it is. Because YOU have your own set of morals and standards and integrity- other people may differ from you. You can judge them, decide you wouldn’t be around them, name call, whatever - and thats your choice. Not everyone is the same.

You might be surprised that there are people who actually don’t give a shit about other peoples
opinions. As for someone shoving themselves into another persons relationship - a cheater has gone outside of a relationship pursuing someone or something else. Some people knowingly have relationships with people- knowing they are attached for a myriad of reasons - some believe the lies the cheater tells.

Also and I think this gets missed - a person having an affair has started another relationship- sexual or emotional or both. I dont agree with cheating but I put the blame on the person that made promises.