So let me tell you about the side of affairs that the affair partner doesn’t see.
My STBXH had a four year long affair and when it came to light two years ago it upended all our lives and my family was ripped apart.
I have lived through some terrible stuff in my past (like “unintentionally making people cry when I talk about it” kind of territory) and NOTHING in my life has ever hurt me so much as his affair. I had passive ideation for a long time. I still have fortnightly therapy sessions. Nobody who hasn’t been through this can fully grasp just how devastating it is.
Without going into a level of detail that will out me, as a result of STBXH’s behaviour at home during his affair, teenage DD was so traumatised she developed psychological issues which manifested as physical symptoms. Think along the lines of losing the use of body parts without warning. I couldn’t work because it was dangerous for her to be alone and for a significant period of time I couldn’t let her out of my sight. She lost all her independence had to delay learning to drive due to these issues. At one point I wondered if she would ever live independently.
DS hates his father for how he conducted himself and barely speaks to him. For a year after the separation he pretty much opted out of life. He’s trying to pull himself out of it but still struggling and he too has suffered from passive ideation.
None of this would have been the case had STBXH ended things in a fair and dignified way. It would have been so much easier to accept if he had just said he wasn’t happy and wanted to split. Instead he kept me married to him under false pretences, still having weekly sex btw, so he could keep his easy and comfortable life but pretending to be single when I wasn’t looking. (I also ended up with needing treatment for pre cancer from hpv due to his activities.)
In order for him to live with the cognitive dissonance the affair caused, he had to build this narrative that I was a terrible wife. Although I wasn’t perfect, I was not, of course, a terrible wife, so he had to construct scenarios whereby he could justify his behaviour. Because if he was cheating on a good wife that would make him an entitled POS, and nobody can be the villain of their own story. He was so awful to live with during for the years this was going on, one of DDs mental health team told me it was abuse and I was in denial.
I had it in my head he was a decent man who would never cheat on me, I just needed to be a better wife, keep things running smoothly and everything would be fine. I tied myself in knots trying to please him, not realising he had already given up on us and clearly despised me for just existing.
I will never trust anyone again, because I would quite happily live without love forever to never risk going through that experience twice. The kids are now doing better, they’ll never go back to the way they were and we’ve all paid a very high price for his affair with our physical and mental health. That’s the side of it people don’t see. It probably doesn’t even occur to them.
Anyone having an affair is an accomplice in the destruction of a family and all the individuals in it. They can’t possibly understand the level of damage they cause.
STBXH’s affair partner was an accomplice in his abuse of his family and I’ll never forgive either of them. I wish them all the happiness they deserve.