Do you feel guilty for having an affair?

[fantalemom]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one.

Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner.

We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

Well yes it's about choices ,the man made a choice to go on a sex site and fuck another woman.

But the point I'm trying to get across is the OWs also made a choice, to fuck a man knowing he was married,they don't deserve sympathy and they are no better than the married men

Not Including the ones who didn't know the man was married,obviously

I'd bloody hope it's not 90%, means most of us are screwed pardon the pun 😂

If it's 90% then I will stay single 😄

So because you believe things were stale in their bedroom it gave you justification to have an affair with him??

And thats if things were STALE. Going by what he told you. But hes a liar anyway so why believe him 😅nevertheless whether things were spicy or stale it doesn't let you off the hook

All cheating is bad

Can't believe you're using cognitive dissonance to wriggle your way out of it like you're superior to the other OWs "oh their marriage was stale anyway, so I was doing people a favour!" sort of reasoning

Quite narcissistic really

Yes they do stay for those different reasons. But they don't have any respect for themselves

Better to be single again than being with someone who has zero respect for you

I’m not- I’m calling you out on diagnosing people when you are qualified to do so and don’t know them personally! Calling people sociopaths and narcissists is ridiculous. And now calling me an arse. 😳🤦‍♀️😂. Just be an adult and state your case with name calling or pretending you have a PHD in behavioural science! It’s at best embarrassing for you and at worst dangerous!

if you read the OPs post she said she went on the site to have some fun - not to meet someone married. What it tells me is she is a single person who went on an adult site, met another adult and had consensual sex. He developed feelings
and she stopped it going further. At no stage did he stop to think of his partner- why was he on a site like that whilst attached? She came on to this forum to say she felt bad, not boast or goad anyone.

You are lashing out at someone to achieve what exactly? She said she regrets it- she feels bad- what benefit is there to you attacking her?! Be better

*aren’t qualified

If you’re looking for absolution op, you’re not going to find it here.
Wrong audience.

Many of us here are married women, and view what you did as the lowest of the low. You should feel guilty. Until your dying day if I’m honest. And so should he (but he won’t) what you both did was despicable, reprehensible and against any moral code that a human being should have. You want a fling? Fine, fill your boots, with a SINGLE man.
One day, this could well happen to you, you could fall in love and he’ll have a fling with another woman, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll have some comprehension of what you both did-and just how much physical and emotional pain it causes

Make a pact to never do it again.
Do not punish yourself anymore.
Maybe volunteer to help out a woman's charity.
Make something positive out of it.
It's cheating. Nothing good comes of it.

Maybe you should have some decency and stop defending women who fuck married men. I simply stated people who knowingly go after married men are lacking in empathy. I never said XYZ person is a narcissist I suggested it shows narcissistic tendencies and listed the NPD criteria. So what?

If you want to make snarky comments insinuating im pretending to have a PHD in behavioural science then you do that. But It does make me wonder why you are defending these women so passionately...

'She went on the site to have some fun, not to meet someone married'

Lol she went on a SWINGERS site , as a single woman. Nice try though.

She went into it thinking about herself and opted out of it with her own needs in mind. It was and is all about her. Her needs, her desires.

But you think she deserves sympathy just because she posts on a forum saying she feels bad?? Shes going to get stick for it

Youve shown no empathy for the poor women who are being cheated on. Maybe you should be honest and explain why you only have empathy for the OWs??

I don't blame the women either. The man (in this scenario) is the one that made the commitment to someone. The "other woman" did not. He's the one at fault.

Yes but the OW could have gone with a single man. She made the choice to go for a married one. She is at fault also. They're both shitarses with a me me me mentality

I’ve never once said I condone cheating! What I’ve said is that the blame should be put where it lies - with the attached person doing the cheating! Not some random stranger on an internet forum who has posted saying she did something and feels like shit about it. She can’t undo it - she doesn’t have a Time Machine. Again what do YOU get out of attacking her when she’s already admitted she regrets it. you say I need to look at why I’m defending the ow - I’m defending women! Sadly against other women like you it would appear - who make mistakes and try to admit them. If a lady started a post saying her DH cheated I would still support her - but I wouldn’t lay the blame at the OW door. Tell me- since you want to get personal - when were you cheated on? Have you fully works through it?

Also- swingers sites also contain single people who perhaps want to swing with a couple. There will also be people with open marriages etc. there will be people on there who are cheating. I’ll admit to internet sleuthing regarding this!

Each person there has agency to decide who and what they partake in - all adults with free will. ! No one is responsible for anyone else’s relationship. That includes OW!

Nothing I said was narcissistic or seeing myself as better than any OW. But I see from your other posts that you like labelling people you actually know nothing about.

Some long marriages can become stale sexually. But there can be a million reasons for staying together - love, friendship, history, family, possessions. I don’t think you have to give all those things up because you are not sexually fulfilled - that’s just a part of marriage. I can’t believe you don’t see that someone - male or female might need sexual fulfilment outside the marriage if that side has mutually died? It might be a bit of porn and a wank or it might be a fantasy or an erotic story.

Some people take it further. Sometimes that’s devastating and hurtful for the partner, yes, but it’s not always like that.

Not sure what to say about the OP … like what were they hoping this thread would achieve when people have such knee jerk reactions to ‘cheating’.

They don't deserve your sympathy, but I'll decide who deserves mine.

I won't hold the OW anymore responsible for his fidelity than I would hold his wife responsible for 'not keeping him at home'.

This is on him, and I'm happy for us to agree to disagree.

Did you read what you wrote before you posted it? You have just belittled people who have stayed with cheating partners by telling them they have no respect for themselves. Honestly, you are behaving like a bully

I stayed with my partner after her affair. It was just a complex situation where ending the relationship was only one option. I chose to stay and rebuild.

And that’s your choice - you don’t deserve to be judged for it !

@OneRubyHare
You really are not coming across as very rational nor reasonable. You are not coming across well at all

His wife deserves better

How do you know that? She has forgiven him for previous infidelity, once a cheat etc

How so?

For not having any sympathy for people who sleep with married men?

So if id told you I was a qualified psychiatrist you'd have given me credit then? 🤔

I posted a link from the Harvard website ref to NPD symptoms. An organisation that is full of qualified people,but you rubbished it as "some website"

I don't think you're being very honest ,are you?

For having zero sympathy for women who play their part in hurting other women and messing up marriages?

Well that's your opinion, that the blame should be put solely on the man and that the OW is innocent. But judging by the comments on this thread your opinion doesn't count for the majority....

And I could ask you the same kind of question, what do YOU get out of attacking me when I'm just one of many on this thread who hold the same views?

And no I haven't been cheated on, speaks volumes that you assume anybody who feels strongly against cheating must have been cheated on themselves. I knew you'd ask that though, typical

And re. Swingers site, proves my point again. She could have CHOSE to go with a man who is in an open marriage, there will be plenty of them there, but instead she CHOSE to go with a man who is cheating on his wife and the wife isn't privy to it, why? Because there would be no thrills if shed gone with someone whose wife had given her consent, would there?

but you expect me have sympathy for the OP??

You're coming across as despicable as the OP

You keep zeroing in on me despite the fact I'm just one of many who hold the same views being against people who go for married men

I think you're the bully

But we're not talking about someone who has a wank/looks at some porn because they're not getting enough action from their partner because they feel frustrated

We're talking about someone who meets up with another woman/man and goes behind their partners backs.

And that you think the reactions in this thread are 'knee jerk' tells me you don't think cheating is a big deal. Fair enough. But if the tables are turned and YOU were on the receiving end of being cheated on, would you hold the same view?