New partner jealous of my teenage boys

[LuceBeeBee]

So I am being extra careful to protect my boys as their Dad was manipulative and emotionally abusive. My new partner has young girls and hates the way my boys are with me, they are lovely boys but just at that age they stay in their rooms and grunt at me for food every now and again but they are really good boys. He has no experience of teenage boys and just remembers how he was much more independent at that age. He absolutely hates my ex and what he did to me and can’t get over worrying he’ll see him in the boys and will struggle to love them. He is generally very emotionally mature but overthinks a lot like me I feel he isn’t giving them a chance. I want to introduce them slowly as they are my priority. Any tips on this? It’s my first relationship after my marraige separation 2.5 years ago. He’s a lovely caring guy and a brilliant Dad to his girls but I feel he is resenting my boys as we can’t be together as much as he’d like due to me not wanting him to come round too much as it’s their space. My 13 year old has suffered depression and is now home educating. He’s happy now but when my new boyfriend tried to say hi and chat he just grunted a bit at him so that didn’t go down too well but I feel he needs to understand what my son has been through. Both boys are with me 95% of the time. My new boyfriend tries to understand but gets frustrated my ex doesn’t have them but to be honest they are better off away from him. They are cool about me going round his some evenings. Any advice? If this was a fling I wouldn’t be so worried but we’ve know each other 30 years and have the strongest connection I’ve ever had so I know it’s special. Thanks

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You're right to prioritise your boys. How long have you been with your new partner for him to be this vocal about criticising them?

Not so "special" to him that he will make an effort with your sons. He doesn't get to criticise your sons. It's not his place or his business.

This is not going to end well. If he won't shape up, ship out.

Dump him. He's not 'emotionally mature' in any way. Nor is he a brilliant dad - or he would recognise that 13 yo boys emotions come above his.

Get rid is the only answer. This won’t work

No, he's not the one. He will alienate you from those boys, and vice versa.

I feel this is a red flag, taking against your boys because of anger at their father from the outset will be very difficult to overcome.
You will feel stuck in the middle and your partner is likely to resent what he is likely to see as you taking their side over his.

Are you prepared to listen to him criticise your sons and your parenting in a bid to rationalise what appears to be irrational jealousy and territorial behaviour?

Get rid of him.

He's a horribly immature bozo and jealous of two teenage boys. This isn't about him not knowing how to deal with teenage boys. This is an insecure man baby who thinks those boys are his rivals. It's a power thing and he will try and alienate you from them and push you to send them to their dad's more often.

Sick.

Huge red flag. It sounds as if you are walking into another controlling, abusive relationship.

My new partner has young girls and hates the way my boys are with me

What the fuck has it got to do with him? Did you ask him for his opinion? He’s got a lot of opinions hasn't he. He sounds like a right prick.

The best way you can protect your boys is to not let this man anywhere near them. If any random man tried to tell me how my boys should behave, he’d get a boot up his arse. If he’s jealous now, what do you think he’ll be like if you let him worm his way into your household? He’s already trying to control things. Sorry, op, but I wouldn’t take this any further. 🚩

I'm seeing the word 'new" lots - how new?If talking months, they shouldn't have met yet, so he shouldn't have an opinion or know how they behave- which sounds totally normal for teenage boys.
Being jealous of your DC's should always be seen as a red flag, it's just not acceptable, and it makes him not as lovely as you think he is.

It's not his anger at your ex, it's his jealousy that your ds's take your attention away from him.
He wants to be number 1 and your dc aren't bowing to his greatness.
Funny that everything is ok when you go to his, probably as you realise his children come first and you make an effort with them.
Does he make any effort with your dc or just criticise?
He's a nob, get rid of him

There is absolutely no need to inflict a male on your traumatised kids, it's not in their best interests.
The new boyfriend is showing you openly that he is trash, just date him if you really need to, separately to your kids.

He sounds like a jealous immature selfish prick who resents your sons taking attention away from him.

Kids come first every single time - any hint of resentment from a bloke and he’s out the door. This won’t end well

Agree. Also sometimes knowing someone that long isn’t a bonus. The fact that the new boyfriend ‘hates’ the ex husband is not good.
And any man who can’t understand teenage boys what’s that about? These young men have been through a fair bit, and one has depression. He has no idea what they feel, or what is happening for them.
He certainly shouldn’t be comparing how he was a boy to them. Yep, I was out with no mobile phone as a teenage girl, no Instagram, no TikTok… times change!
OP’s post had so many red flags for me…
Especially the fact that OP has her boys most of the time. That’s as it should be under the circumstances.
Strong connection and special aside, these boys need to be protected.

Get rid of this man he is a walking red flag as he dislikes your sons and will never like them!

He not a keeper. Throw him back.
I'm astonished that you describe him as emotionally mature
He really isn't.

I don't think I could stay attracted to someone who was immature enough that he had to make things all about him and his feelings.

He’s indeed an abusive and walking red flag. Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, have been further eroded by this abuser now. It is not uncommon to go from one abusive relationship into yet another. You owe this man nothing let alone a relationship here. Dump him and
live a good life with your sons without him and his kids in it.

You clearly do not know him as well
as you thought you did. He is not as he seems and many abusive men are quite plausibly to those in the outside world.

Sorry but he is the furthest thing from "emotionally mature".
I wouldn't consider a future with a man who was behaving this way about my boys. Especially considering what they've been through. You think he would have a bit more patience and compassion.

What an awful man. Everybody knows what teenagers are like. I'm sure he could find a way to communicate with them if he really wanted to. I'm equally sure he would hate it if you said anything against his daughters.

It's not his place to criticise your sons or say how much they should be with their dad. I bet he wouldn't want you commenting on his children.

He's overstepped and in quite a nasty way.

He clearly wants your boys out of the way. You need to prioritise your children's needs not his so I'm afraid I can't see this working out.

Absolutely this!

Raise your bar and put your boys first.

Get shot of him.

His actions towards everyone tells you who he is. Let that inform your choices and decisions.