New partner jealous of my teenage boys

[LuceBeeBee]

So I am being extra careful to protect my boys as their Dad was manipulative and emotionally abusive. My new partner has young girls and hates the way my boys are with me, they are lovely boys but just at that age they stay in their rooms and grunt at me for food every now and again but they are really good boys. He has no experience of teenage boys and just remembers how he was much more independent at that age. He absolutely hates my ex and what he did to me and can’t get over worrying he’ll see him in the boys and will struggle to love them. He is generally very emotionally mature but overthinks a lot like me I feel he isn’t giving them a chance. I want to introduce them slowly as they are my priority. Any tips on this? It’s my first relationship after my marraige separation 2.5 years ago. He’s a lovely caring guy and a brilliant Dad to his girls but I feel he is resenting my boys as we can’t be together as much as he’d like due to me not wanting him to come round too much as it’s their space. My 13 year old has suffered depression and is now home educating. He’s happy now but when my new boyfriend tried to say hi and chat he just grunted a bit at him so that didn’t go down too well but I feel he needs to understand what my son has been through. Both boys are with me 95% of the time. My new boyfriend tries to understand but gets frustrated my ex doesn’t have them but to be honest they are better off away from him. They are cool about me going round his some evenings. Any advice? If this was a fling I wouldn’t be so worried but we’ve know each other 30 years and have the strongest connection I’ve ever had so I know it’s special. Thanks

Teenagers grunt and it sounds like these already have ACES to cope with. On him to make the effort and he isn't.

They really don't if you make it an expectation that they greet guests properly. Even if they may grunt at you on occasion privately.

To be fair, OP has likely told him loads of awful things and he's seen the consequences of the trauma from him

My ex was abusive and my now-boyfriend isn't remotely impressed by what he's heard about what my ex did to me, the effects it had or the way he continues to behave/treat me.

However he doesn't "absolutely hate him" because that would be a vast over-emotional attachment to situations that didn't directly involve him and that are in the past.

And it would be an enormous and frankly horrifying leap for him to then start objecting to my children on the basis that they might make him think of my ex. If anything, he's more protective towards my kids because he sees that my ex is a pretty shit dad as well as a pretty shit (former) partner.

ETA if the OP is still so affected by the trauma from her past relationship that it's making her new partner angry, then she needs support and counselling to process it and move on. I really don't like my ex nor approve of anything he did to me but even I don't hate him because I see that he is just a very flawed person whose actions ultimately end up hurting and isolating him. If anything I feel sorry for him more than anything.

Focus on your boys they need you. I'd ditch the boyfriend. If he can't understand your children have had a rough time and it's not all about him then he has some serious empathy issues. 🚩🚩🚩

They do directly affect you if you're the partner of an unhealed traumatised person who is damaged by their past...

I posted before your edit

Well, to be honest, that is not a person who is ready to be in a new relationship.

What part of you thinks he is emotionally mature because I don’t see anything .

i man who doesn’t approve of your parenting style is never going to work .

Your post strikes me as it’s his way not anybody else’s .

OP won't be back.

You've used the word "hate" a lot - he "absolutely hates" your ex and "hates" the way your boys are with you. Extreme opinions for him to have about your life and what is really none of his business. I'd steer clear.

This .

@LuceBeeBee how long had he been your “new boyfriend” ?

He a bad one OP . 3 or 13 . Keep him away from
your kids and their home .

That should read ex partner not new.

You know what to do.

Bin the dickhead. No partner, new or otherwise, gets to criticise your kids for existing. Your special connection means jack shit compared to what you owe your kids.

Agreed. I've seen a lot of people bite off more than they can chew when it comes to an unhealed traumatised partner. Most of them do end up becoming resentful and snappy towards others. It starts off with them angry at the abusers, before they become exhausted by that and turn it on their partner.

I think its part of why one is so vulnerable to further harm and hurt after leaving an abusive situation. Not only do predators hunt you out, your unhealed trauma can taint new relationships.

He absolutely hates my ex and what he did to me and can’t get over worrying he’ll see him in the boys and will struggle to love them

How fucking dare he. You have stated how emotionally manipulative and abusive your ex was towards you/your boys and this man is using that information to CLEARLY paint your son's in the same light! They put one foot wrong or pull one normal teenage thing out the bag (roll their eyes or snap back at you once) and like magic your new BF will say 'they are just like their dad, abusive'

Get this manipulative piece of shit out of you and your boys lives and HEAL.
Be the mum they need you to be. And be the strong no nonsense women you deserve to be for yourself.

He absolutely hates my ex and what he did to me and can’t get over worrying he’ll see him in the boys and will struggle to love them

but I feel he is resenting my boys as we can’t be together as much as he’d like due to me not wanting him to come round too much as it’s their space.

Both boys are with me 95% of the time. My new boyfriend tries to understand but gets frustrated my ex doesn’t have them

These would be issues even if the boys engaged with him in the most charming and polite way possible.

There is nothing that says they would not behave like that to anyone else that takes her time. That's why it needs to be enforced as a rule. You are polite to guests. No arguments.

Doesn't seem it will turn out good for your boys. Sorry OP, I don't like the sound of your boyfriend esp since your boy is just getting back to being happy now.

You really shouldn't need to be asking this question, or be confused about it in any way.

The very first time he behaved like this, you should have been able to say 'I'm ending this, it isn't going to work.'

Dump this man. Obviously.

And then. Don't go out with anyone else until you're sure you wouldn't be confused about what to do here.

Why should they be forced to be polite to someone who is showing them resentment? We shouldn’t be telling kids to be fake nice to someone who doesn’t show them any respect.

Of you read the OP, they always treated him this way

Course she won’t and she’ll carry on with this ‘special’ man to the detriment of her sons

Easy, don't let him in your house until both sons have moved out.

"So I am being extra careful to protect my boys"

This doesn't tie in with the rest of your post.

Just re-read your thread title. Surely that says it all? What more is there to say?