New partner jealous of my teenage boys

[LuceBeeBee]

So I am being extra careful to protect my boys as their Dad was manipulative and emotionally abusive. My new partner has young girls and hates the way my boys are with me, they are lovely boys but just at that age they stay in their rooms and grunt at me for food every now and again but they are really good boys. He has no experience of teenage boys and just remembers how he was much more independent at that age. He absolutely hates my ex and what he did to me and can’t get over worrying he’ll see him in the boys and will struggle to love them. He is generally very emotionally mature but overthinks a lot like me I feel he isn’t giving them a chance. I want to introduce them slowly as they are my priority. Any tips on this? It’s my first relationship after my marraige separation 2.5 years ago. He’s a lovely caring guy and a brilliant Dad to his girls but I feel he is resenting my boys as we can’t be together as much as he’d like due to me not wanting him to come round too much as it’s their space. My 13 year old has suffered depression and is now home educating. He’s happy now but when my new boyfriend tried to say hi and chat he just grunted a bit at him so that didn’t go down too well but I feel he needs to understand what my son has been through. Both boys are with me 95% of the time. My new boyfriend tries to understand but gets frustrated my ex doesn’t have them but to be honest they are better off away from him. They are cool about me going round his some evenings. Any advice? If this was a fling I wouldn’t be so worried but we’ve know each other 30 years and have the strongest connection I’ve ever had so I know it’s special. Thanks

🚩🚩🚩 he sounds awful 🚩🚩🚩
Do not put up with anyone's shit.

The new man doesn't sound very emotionally mature to me. He shouldn't have view on their behaviour yet. It is none of his business.

I think if you like him that much, you date away from your home. There is no need to involve your boys yet.

Give it a couple of years until GCSEs are out of the way, and they are more secure, then look again at introducing them.

He's not a 'lovely caring guy' and it's not 'special' if he treats your boys like this.
I hate him from your description ,your boys have got one chance only with child hood ,sounds like they have already had some worries ,staying with this man will make things worse ,i hope you can see that .
Dump him and put your precious boys first.

Does he not repulse you? Wanting you to discard your kids to hang out with him? He's dreadful. Even the title of this thread made me think 'surely there is no dilemma here? It's straight to dumping.'

How are DSs with your other friends and acquaintances? Can they maintain a brief polite exchange of word with adults or are they like this with everyone? Are they insecure perhaps?

Wait until he finds out what teenage girls can be like!

He sounds totally unsuitable as a partner for someone with teen boys. No matter how long you’ve known him, this is not the right relationship for you. End it now before your boys get caught up in it.

Whatever he was thinking, it was for him to manage that emotion snd recognise he's the adult and your boys have already had enough toxic masculinity, he deal with it, get over it and be a better man.

Enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and do not enter into any more relationships until your boundaries are a lot healthier and higher than this current low bar. Show your kids properly that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none by dumping him and via text too. You owe him
nothing let alone a relationship here.

He absolutely hates my ex and what he did to me and can’t get over worrying he’ll see him in the boys and will struggle to love them.

My god. Even if this is something he worries about, this is NOT a concern he brings to you. This is a concern he battles with privately, or discusses with his sister. And it's a concern that an emotionally intelligent man could find a solution for - engage with the boys, act as a role model, actively look for positives etc.

Instead, in this one sentence, he's managed to turn a weakness of himself that HE should be dealing with into something that makes him a victim and for which you have to provide reassurance (while feeling constantly on edge).

RUN RUN RUN.

If his ‘loving & caring’ nature is only for you & doesn’t extend to your boys, it would be a big firm dump from me.

This is why I couldn’t be bothered introducing any man to my kids if I was single again

Would I still have a relationship? Yes maybe but I would not bother involving my kids, especially teens as they’re just so complicated at that age!

If you are going to do it keep the things separate

While I agree that the guy sounds like he isn't ready for your set up, I'd be careful not to let your sons' alienate you from friends/partners/whoever else. This can happen with kids (particularly boys) and a single mum because they think they own her and they often extend an abusive father's control by not letting her have a life away from them.

Generally speaking, it shouldn't be okay for your son to "grunt" at guests. That should be a standard.

It's never a good policy to talk about abusive ex's. It would make non-abusive men wary of you, but also encourages abusive men to stick around and use the information you have provided to their advantage. The signs you are with another abusive one, are saying just how terrible your ex is, and of course they would never treat you that way. They then know the bar is low and they can get away with poor behaviour, because it will never be as bad as how the ex was.
I had a brief thing with an abusive asehole who was very quick to slag an ex off based on scant info ( because I never talk at length about my past, it's nobody's business). I immediately though wtf business is it of yours and you are actually trying to make it look like he was abusive even though he wasn't. He got dumped the first time he was abusive. A totally messed up individual- poor childhood. Avoid men who have a history of childhood abuse or neglect, it's not worth it, they have ongoing issues.
Tbh, this man does not sound emotionally mature at all and you seem to be ignoring the signs.

OP, you have gone from one manipulative, emotionally abusive man to another.

If your new boyfriend is jealous of your sons and 'hates the way they are with you' to the point where you're having to worry about it like this, he is not a good man. There are so many red flags here. You need to end this.

Do you have a habit of seeing the absolute best in everyone and living on toxic optimism fumes? If yes, it's a habit that will result in misery for you, and you should look into therapy.

This isn't the man for you.

Its not special OP. Any man who can't fully accept your kids is a none starter and he needs to be told that. Seeking reassurance from you is fucked up.

Have your fun if you want but keep your lives. separate.

100% agree.

This man should come with a warning pasted to his forehead.

He isn’t emotionally mature if he can’t get why he didn’t get more than a grunt when he met your 13yo. Or took it personally!

Sorry but 🚩🚩🚩

I hate all the 'next', and 'get rid' above, as if just pushing the nuclear button on a relationships is the only bloody option ever.

I think you need to have a very honest conversation with him about your worries and if necessary get him to a counsellor. But really he is not being sensitive to what your boys are / have gone through, and they will take a while to warm up. Let's facing it, grunting is the communication technique of choice. He's probably remembering himself in a rose tinted glasses way.

Give him a bit more of a chance, check in with your boys, don't move him in - but ultimately do get rid if this doesn't improve.

Don’t you mean ex boyfriend?

You can’t seriously start a thread claiming to love your kids and want what’s best for them but also say how your boyfriend has issues with them already.

For most people this wouldn’t even be a thread.
It would mean the end of the relationship, no discussion or advice required.

Only 13? My two boys are lovely, loving, caring, but if I brought a stranger (to them) into the house they would be weary (even with my friends they've known for years they're polite, but disappear to their rooms and only emerge for food if I have them visiting)

This is entirely normal as you know.

I think, that unless they've been in an abusive relationship, they just don't understand the depths these 'partners' can stoop to, how bad it can be. They don't understand the damage that's been done to the kids and how the attachment to the you is. They don't understand that you can't make the other parent have the kids more, and you really don't want to - they just think you (or the kids) are being difficult about it all.

Unless he can get over this, I don't think this is going to work out - you have children (and 13 is still a child) - they have to come first, you can't just offload them to hang out with him

@curious Yes if he was a LT partner.
But he isn’t and it’s not the OP’s role to smooth things over, take him to see a counsellor etc… Not at this stage of the relationship where they should be head over heels in love with each other.

Have you looked the Freedom Programme? Especially important given your history:

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Off he fucks.