New partner jealous of my teenage boys

[LuceBeeBee]

So I am being extra careful to protect my boys as their Dad was manipulative and emotionally abusive. My new partner has young girls and hates the way my boys are with me, they are lovely boys but just at that age they stay in their rooms and grunt at me for food every now and again but they are really good boys. He has no experience of teenage boys and just remembers how he was much more independent at that age. He absolutely hates my ex and what he did to me and can’t get over worrying he’ll see him in the boys and will struggle to love them. He is generally very emotionally mature but overthinks a lot like me I feel he isn’t giving them a chance. I want to introduce them slowly as they are my priority. Any tips on this? It’s my first relationship after my marraige separation 2.5 years ago. He’s a lovely caring guy and a brilliant Dad to his girls but I feel he is resenting my boys as we can’t be together as much as he’d like due to me not wanting him to come round too much as it’s their space. My 13 year old has suffered depression and is now home educating. He’s happy now but when my new boyfriend tried to say hi and chat he just grunted a bit at him so that didn’t go down too well but I feel he needs to understand what my son has been through. Both boys are with me 95% of the time. My new boyfriend tries to understand but gets frustrated my ex doesn’t have them but to be honest they are better off away from him. They are cool about me going round his some evenings. Any advice? If this was a fling I wouldn’t be so worried but we’ve know each other 30 years and have the strongest connection I’ve ever had so I know it’s special. Thanks

It's not special if he's already expressing that he's jealous of boys it sounds like he barely knows and is frustrated that they're spending time inside their own home.

You need to run. You have already been in one abusive relationship and here you are asking how to manage your new boyfriend's jealousy towards your children.

I think he needs to educate himself on teenage boys and in particular your boys, you need a time frame in your head and he needs to show he's making a real effort here otherwise I'm sorry but I'll be joining the masses that will surely post LTB

Knowing someone as a friend for 30 years is very different to being in a relationship with them. This immature and impatient side of him has made an appearance because the dynamic has changed. Don’t get hung up on the him from before, this is who he is now and he isn’t as mature as you want him to be.

Your sons are your priority and teaching a supposed grown up, who is also a parent that, is a waste of your time.

He sounds just as big a twat as your children's father.

Jealousy is a terrible trait and he will only cause division and trouble for your family.

In the bin with him!

It doesn't sound like the kids are doing anything to alienate anyone. Setting aside the 'grunting' thing - this man is also annoyed simply by the very fact of the kids living with the OP, regardless of the behaviour because he doesn't like them being around. Honestly, he sounds like a prick.

The OP's non-chatty son is 13, struggling with depression and mostly importantly, has been brought up with an abusive man in the house. If the OP's boyfriend can't understand why a very young teen might be wary of being chatty with the new man in mother's life, given everything this kid has been through with an abusive parent, the OP's boyfriend is about as emotionally mature as a bluebottle. Yes, ideally a teenager should have good manners, but jeez, he's 13 and it's very understandable that he doesn't feel like playing happy families with another alpha male type, after what he's seen of his mother's relationship with his father.

Expecting your teenage sons and your partner to love each other might not be totally realistic. He sounds critical and needy though.

Just move on with no drama or navel gazing. He has already prepared the ground by criticising fairly normal behaviour and declaring that he hates your ex due to his treatment of you and worries about bonding with the boys due to this. Because he is disguising this as care for you and you also presumably dislike your ex, you are flattered by this. Don’t be. This will be his excuse when he alienates them and promotes his own daughters i.e. the products of (his) more perfect parenting. He wants you to accept that your old family was faulty and become a new family of four with him, isolating your children and denting your self esteem in the process.

Just keep things separate for a while.

Inconvenient I know, but unless you are a teen, it's not a great time to get to know a teen because it's a time when a lot of slack needs to be cut, which when you know what they're like at heart is easy but if you're on the alert for flaws it's lethal for starting a mutually beneficial relationship.

Don't subject your boys to his judgement, it's the last thing he needs.

I mean what 13yo boy is going to do anything other than grunt at their mum's new boyfriend!!????

Just keep your two worlds separate, if it's fair the king hail, What's the rush, over time his suspicious scrutiny will be replaced by familiarity with their lovely selves (watched from afar) and it will happen naturally.

This isn't going to work and likely it's you and your boys that will suffer.

Whether he's a good guy or not, he's not the right one.

Move on. He won't change.

Nope, this one is not a keeper.

Just because he isnt "as bad" as your ex doesnt mean that he is a goodun, he aint.

Im sorry OP this sounds really toxic

Another vote for giving him the push

Sounds like a red flag with alarm bells to me, so sorry ♥️

He sounds like more than a bit of a selfish arsehole, OP.

Hm. I think you need to prioritise your boys, especially your 13 year old. Their relationship with their first male authority figure is now tenuous, and it seems he was a poor role model anyway, and now a new man is being brought into a family who is also displaying negative behaviours in their lives.

I don't understand why you want to continue this relationship? He's not being at all understanding of what they've been through and is trying to separate you from them. If their dad is mostly out of the picture, they need you for stability, as an anchor. You must not forget that. I'm sure they are worried about you, going forward in this new relationship.

You need to tell him, my boys are my number one focus in my life. They've been through enough. If he doesn't like it, he knows where he can go.

Red flag. He will push them away from you or worse.

He "absolutely hates my ex and what he did to me" and he "hates the way my boys are with me" shows he's conflating the two already. It doesn't matter how long you've known him, or how good the connection is, he's already showing you how he'd step-parent your sons – by loathing and criticising them and making it an unhappy home. Do yourself and them a favour and end it.

Nope.

He already doesn't like your children, who sound like fairly ordinary teenage boys doing what teenage boys do. He's already looking for your ex's traits in your kids. Sounds like a ready made excuse for being a shit to them. Which is both bizarre and slightly creepy, as your Ex is not his concern.

You and your children come as a package. What happens if you manage to muddle through and move in together? He treats them like crap by making it abundantly clear that he doesn't like them, they move out the minute they can manage, and then you wonder why they don't visit and you never see them? You choose to be in this relationship - your kids don't get that choice.

If he truly is a good father then he will know that your relationship is not viable, because he wouldn't be prepared to put up with his daughters being treated this way by you, would he?

Bloody hell. I mean, I suppose if you're looking for something positive to say about this guy, you could go with 'unusually upfront about his intention to treat your children badly and blame it on their relationship to your ex.'
He has quite literally told you what is going to happen, how he will justify it, and what outcome he hopes for.

His attitude is poor, also though why are teenagers with you 95% of your time and allowed to grunt and be ignorant when someone is politely speaking to them?
I don't agree with this 'oh that's boys for you' it's not hard to be polite and kind to people especially your mum.

The boyfriend sounds like a prick!

Honestly can't believe what I read on here sometimes.
Op dump this walking red flag and get yourself into some therapy, you've dumped one toxic abusive pos for another, work on yourself and maybe concentrate on your depressed 13yr old for a while.

Get rid. His ego is too fragile to cope with teen boys… imagine his resentment to two full grown adult men who will step on his toes. This is not good, he is threaten by males. Even teens. He doesn’t present as a good dad to his daughters either, he sees them as the weaker sex that he can manipulate.

My tip is he's not for you. After he said all this about your boys, not much to question.

Sorry to say all these posters are correct in what they are saying. They are in their teens they won't be at home for ever and this is a very important time in their lives.

They are your number 1. There are lots of men like this and they only get worse.

Get rid of him he will make your boys' life a misery, they sound as if they have had a difficult time already. This will end very badly he is no good

Like someone has says he has daughters! he knows nothing yet!