New partner jealous of my teenage boys

[LuceBeeBee]

So I am being extra careful to protect my boys as their Dad was manipulative and emotionally abusive. My new partner has young girls and hates the way my boys are with me, they are lovely boys but just at that age they stay in their rooms and grunt at me for food every now and again but they are really good boys. He has no experience of teenage boys and just remembers how he was much more independent at that age. He absolutely hates my ex and what he did to me and can’t get over worrying he’ll see him in the boys and will struggle to love them. He is generally very emotionally mature but overthinks a lot like me I feel he isn’t giving them a chance. I want to introduce them slowly as they are my priority. Any tips on this? It’s my first relationship after my marraige separation 2.5 years ago. He’s a lovely caring guy and a brilliant Dad to his girls but I feel he is resenting my boys as we can’t be together as much as he’d like due to me not wanting him to come round too much as it’s their space. My 13 year old has suffered depression and is now home educating. He’s happy now but when my new boyfriend tried to say hi and chat he just grunted a bit at him so that didn’t go down too well but I feel he needs to understand what my son has been through. Both boys are with me 95% of the time. My new boyfriend tries to understand but gets frustrated my ex doesn’t have them but to be honest they are better off away from him. They are cool about me going round his some evenings. Any advice? If this was a fling I wouldn’t be so worried but we’ve know each other 30 years and have the strongest connection I’ve ever had so I know it’s special. Thanks

I would potentially entertain a casual relationship with this man, if it suits you both - for example a date night every week. If your boys are teens, they will hopefully not begrudge you a bit of time out the house at the cinema or whatever.

I absolutely would not try and blend the families in any way, in the circumstances, or try to get your boys to accept this new "father figure" in their home. There's no reason for them to meet or have to try to get along - who would it benefit?

Depression doesn't give you the right to be impolite. You don't grunt at guests should be a rule in all homes. What are we teaching our children when we accept things like that? No wonder why the youths are so disrespectful when they're taught a diagnosis means you get to display a lack of manners.

I’m really tired of these threads.

I cannot conceive spending time with a partner who resents my children.

The number of women on here who just actively ignore what they know to be the right thing because they don’t want be single.

An emotionally mature man wouldn’t resent a child who has been damaged by an abusive father to the degree he’s now homeschooled.

Nor.do.I. it's why we have so many emotionally abusive men as well as the ones who are physical with it. The funny thing is I bet women on here complain that their husbands are giving them the silent treatment and generally disrespect them without realising that it's because their mothers excused it.

My friend said the worst thing about having her dad divorce was the women she was expected to bond with, the first one she made an effort with but it was hard work, it wasn't her mum and by the third (over a decade) she couldn't be arsed to bond with yet another unrelated person.

This is their home, I would expect a polite 'hello' even if grunted and that's it! Why do they need to pretend to be welcoming to a man who doesn't really like them! It's not the same as any visiting friend, he views them as a threat, hates their dad who is half their DNA whether you like it or not and thinks he's better than them 'at their age'.

He also doesn't like girls per se, teen girls can be nightmarish too, he wouldn't like grunting tantrumming 13 year old girls, he likes his girls as they are his own children. That's what you are missing here OP.

All of the stuff about seeing your ex in the boys is going to inevitably end up as a major argument between him and the boys. Even though your ex is not a good person, your boys are biologically programmed to defend him and you’re definitely looking at a “you’re not my father” situation.

I’m not sure that he’s jealous of your boys. It sounds like he resents their (boys and ex’s) existence because he can’t have you to himself. Hypocritical when he has children too but I’m assuming that he doesn’t have them as much as you have yours? Resenting your kids isn’t going away. Even if they go to uni, they need a place to stay in the holidays and with housing so expensive, chances are that they will be living at home well into their 20s.

The walking on eggshells around his feelings is a red flag and part of his emotional abuse. Don’t end up in an emotionally abusive relationship again. This man might be better than your ex, but that doesn’t make him a good man when the bar is so low.

Well said!
🤢😡

He’s not right for you. Or at least, not whilst your boys are still living with you.

Sorry OP, I just don’t see this ‘relationship’ having legs.

Please op, please think twice about this man.

I can guarantee that every little thing that goes wrong in the household, your sons will get the blame.

This man is already in your ear about your sons failings and his glaringly obvious resentment of them is only going to grow. He's not even starting off with the right attitude. Open your eyes, please.

I've seen this so many times and you'll have a lifetime of being the referee and your sons will be thoroughly miserable.

Don't have this man ruin their lives and your relationship with them.

Absolute prick.

He is crossing every reasonable boundary a mum should have. You should be telling this guy straight - these are my boundaries ( my parenting is off limits and your opinions are not to be put on me).

If you feel so desperate for this loser, ( you think you had a strong connection; you don't in reality), then the only hope is if you see him entirely away from the boys. I personally wouldn't bother. He is a king sized idiot overstepping every imaginable line.

There's no way you being with him ends well for your sons.

So pick who to put first really.

I'm quite surprised by how people have just sided with the boys here tbh from what's been said, I wouldn't accept grunting from my teen boys and I would be very embarrassed if they grunted at someone who said hi to them, so I do wonder if there is a little more going on here and he may have a point? But I don't tolerate teens being dicks. Anyway it could be the partner is the dick here especially as you say he resents them, but I'd be careful to defend your boys too much (not for his sake, for yours and theirs), don't accept disrespectful behaviour from them just because they are teen boys, that isn't a free pass.

Bin the jealous loser you and the boys deserve better

I’m not sure any of us can say if he’s abusive ( though he may well be) from what OP has said.

Your examples OP are all a bit vague. You say you feel he is jealous, but I don’t see any real examples to support this. The only thing is he appeared a bit grumpy when your son was rude. But out of context, that’s a tricky one to make judgment on. Did he just pass comment on it? He’s allowed to say something

my ex DPthought one of my DC was really cheeky. he wasn’t controlling but he did say my kid could be rude at times. ( was always respectful to DC)

also OP, you have your kids 95% of time and home school. Could it be that he thinks you do so much for your kids that you aren’t making any time for yourself? If your youngest is 13, then you should have some time to yourself- it’s not necessarily a bad person who points this out.

@auberginepeel

It’s not about siding with the boys. Yes - they could do with some better direction and improved social skills.

This man clearly resents them - OP has said he wants them to be at the ex’a more - the ex who he’s apparently so angry with for abusing her.

Can you imagine wanting a child to spend more time with an abusive parent for any reason?

She’s already said the introduction is going slowly - how much opportunity has the new partner actually had to assess the boys’ treatment of they’d mother?

Get shot of him, he's waving several giant red flags.

I don’t think we can say if the man resents them.

the OP just says she thinks he resents her kids but gives zero examples.

I think it would be interesting to hear his take on this.

OP says he has known him for 30 years- that’s why he may have an idea of the family dynamics.

reading between the lines, I think OP does very little outside of caring for her boys. I suspect she is projecting her own worries onto this situation.

Do not subject your kids to this man.

This. You need counseling about how to select your "partners." Till then, get out of the dating scene. Focus on your kids.

I do not understand why women would give five seconds time to men who don't like their kids. Is it THAT hard to be single????

Prioritise your children for a few more years, then when they've grown up look for a boyfriend who has also grown up.

I am actually questioning the validity of this one tbh.

Yes, it's yet another post full of similar bs content and protestations, but nobody can be this lacking in awareness!! Surely?

The repetitive nature and number of these type of OP's is grim,

@Verydemure yes that's what I was thinking, I'm finding it odd how people are so confidently assuming the situation with quite brief information.

He absolutely hates my ex and what he did to me and can’t get over worrying he’ll see him in the boys and will struggle to love them.

Just so much projection here. Unless he knows your ex well and has been personally affected, he has no reason to "absolutely hate" him. And the fact that he is projecting your ex's traits onto your boys for no reason seems like clear evidence he can't see that they are their own people.

I'd dump someone the second they said they might struggle to care for my children because they don't like their father.

My ex was a great step dad to DS when he was young, cute, compliant and fun. When the teenage years hit and DS became less cute, compliant and fun it became a battle for my attention and a battle to be alpha male. With a perfectly ordinary teenage boy. I chose DS and will never regret that, sadly our shared DD is now split between two homes but she has two parents who love her to pieces and DS has only ever had me. I would never let a bloke drive him away.

Get rid OP. It will only get worse as they get older.

What 30 years ?? That doesn't matter anyway