MIL announced our baby's gender on Facebook. It has upset me. Could I be overreacting?

[AmberPoet]

Sometimes I really hate social media and the trouble it brings. My MIL has decided to take it upon herself to announce that myself and my husband are having a daughter on Facebook, without us posting or consulting us 1st. I don't believe there is any malice in it, but I think it's overexcitement and a lack of common sense. Okay we didn't communicate that this wasn't to be announced on Facebook before we had the chance to tell everyone, because it didn't enter our heads that she would actually do such a thing. I'm starting to think that we need to communicate all of our boundaries and like right now. What does everyone else make of this?
I am trying to brush this one particular thing to one side, but I can't help but think of what she will be like when the baby comes along.

Yes she's definitely in the wrong.

I think maybe you should have kept the info to yourselves if you didn’t want people to know.

I agree and it probably out of excitement but like you said, maybe have a chat with her and lay out some boundaries re the social media and telling things without asking.

Well done for staying calm and congrats

Overreacting. Look, OP, it was either going to be a boy or a girl, with a roughly 50/50 likelihood. Not some mike-drop moment. I appreciate its mildly annoying, but just tell her not to put stuff on SM.

Have you not confronted her about it? I’d hit the roof personally. If you don’t pull her up on it, she will continue

I should have made clear that we are happy for people to know, but once our nearest and dearest have been informed personally 1st

I think that I don't really understand where expectant parents get the idea that the world in general is chomping at the bit for every detail of their unborn, and that who reveals these details is VERY IMPORTANT.

Literally nobody except you and the grandparents cares that you are having a boy/girl. They care even less who they heard the "news" from. It's not like the news is that you're birthing the next Messiah, or a dragon. Your MIL is excited, is it really worth damaging your relationship with her over something of zero consequence?

I had similar with my own mum who despite us telling her it was for family only to know she announced it to everyone. We fell out over it as she absolutely argued she’d done nothing wrong and continued blabbing to everyone who crossed her path us telling her again and again and again how furious we were.

I would be hitting the roof on your shoes. It’s your news not hers.

Just as an aside, it’s sex not gender

You are not overreacting. Why would anyone announce details about someone's baby before the parents or before checking it was okay to do so?

You really shouldn't have told her if she's the type of person who can't be sensible. But I suppose you may not have realised.

Nothing that can be done now. I know it feels like a big deal at the moment but it really isn't. Try not to be too upset by it. 💐

Yes now is the time to start putting boundaries in. And if she's not able or willing to respond appropriately you may need to be a bit more selective about what you tell her.

And what if OP wanted close family to know but no one else? What if OP wanted to be able to tell family herself and her MIL posted before she could?

Very rude of MIL to announce without asking OP first, it's not her news.

A cousin of MIL who I had never met announced DC’s arrival on FB years ago. Everyone told me she was just old and excited and didn’t understand the unwritten rules of social media.

Still rankles with me, TBH

Yes the fact that she didn't think to ask first means she's not really the sensible type, I'm afraid. You don't announce that type of news unless you've checked it's okay!

My post explains that I am brushing it to one side. I don't intend on ruining the relationship for this one particular thing. It has just made me conscious of other boundaries being pushed.

You're furious that people know the sex of the baby you're expecting? That honestly seems odd. If it's such a state secret, why tell anyone?

Don’t feel you have to capitulate to @DreadPirateRobots. It’s obvious that it was your news to share. You are allowed to be annoyed.

So she shouldn't tell the baby's grandmother anything she doesn't want made totally public on Facebook? That's ridiculous, it might be what has to happen if the MIL can't be made to understand normal privacy and boundaries but its not reasonable or normal to have to do that.

I’m another old duffer who doesn’t understand the secrecy around all this. Unless you’re a Kardashian or something and you’re likely to have the paparazzi camped outside your house, your baby’s sex is not news to anyone except you. Whether girl or boy it is a lovely outcome, and nobody is going to respond any differently whichever sex you reveal. They’ll be equally happy for you. I don’t comprehend why people need to conceal it unless they feel like they will be getting less attention if someone else breaks the news. A grandparent should be able to tell her friends that she’s going to have a granddaughter, for example. If it’s classified information you should have made that crystal clear when you told her.

What does your H feel about this from his mother?. He is key here.

You have written about his mother at length before now and she has not changed at all and not will she. This is who she is and this is yet another example of her overbearing and overstepping behaviour whilst your H also merely stands by and watches. His inertia as well as your own when it comes to her hurts you both.

Never forget either that people like your MIL do not play by the normal rules of family relations so the normal rules of familial relations don’t apply.

Of course OP shouldn't have to think or act a certain way but MIL clearly isn't going to be smart about things so now OP will have to be a little more guarded.

Some people just don't seem to realise that FB isn't their own living room and only close friends.

My DS is 20 so it’s a long time ago and we chose not to tell anyone but my DH let it slip by accident. We told my mum not to tell anyone as she’s actually said she didn’t want yo know herself but once she found out by accident it was like announcing it on Sky News she was literally telling everyone who crossed her path. My MIL found out from someone else rather than us due to my mum s inability to respect our wishes and was really upset.

I get it OP, it's rude, and she should have asked you first as a courtesy.

I don't really understand some of the older generation wanting to share/post the news on their social media, when they can clearly see their own child hasn't done so yet.

I sent my dad scan photos, and it was up on Facebook and instagram within the hour. Didn't occur to me to tell him not to post them, as I don't really use social media much, and it just wasn't on my mind (we still haven't posted my pregnancy on social media yet and i'm 28W). I didn't say anything to him in the end, as I knew he was excited, but I haven't sent him any more scan photos since.

I will be asking him the next time I see him in person not to post photos of baby on his social media when she's here though (or at least before we post her, whenever that will be).

Not unreasonable to be upset. My MIL announced my engagement and then the birth of my child before we had told certain people. We let it slide for the engagement but asked her to take down the post about the baby. She threw a pissy fit when we asked her but grudgingly did remove the post

This kind of attitude is what will make a MIL who complains they are shut out of their GC life because they can't be trusted.
No one should be posting other people's personal information online. Plenty of people NEVER post a pregnancy announcement on FB, on the basis thst anyone who is close enough to need to know will be told in person. You should be able to share things with close family without worrying about it being put on social media. Totally inappropriate.

re your comment:
"I don't believe there is any malice in it, but I think it's overexcitement and a lack of common sense".

Why do you think this given all she has done to you both?. You keep setting yourself on fire to keep her warm!. This was a deliberate act on her part and done also to take the wind out of your sails.

(You recently wrote that her own daughter no longer speaks to her; there are good reasons why that happened).