MIL announced our baby's gender on Facebook. It has upset me. Could I be overreacting?

[AmberPoet]

Sometimes I really hate social media and the trouble it brings. My MIL has decided to take it upon herself to announce that myself and my husband are having a daughter on Facebook, without us posting or consulting us 1st. I don't believe there is any malice in it, but I think it's overexcitement and a lack of common sense. Okay we didn't communicate that this wasn't to be announced on Facebook before we had the chance to tell everyone, because it didn't enter our heads that she would actually do such a thing. I'm starting to think that we need to communicate all of our boundaries and like right now. What does everyone else make of this?
I am trying to brush this one particular thing to one side, but I can't help but think of what she will be like when the baby comes along.

Put her on an information diet from now on. She has broken the trust.

I don’t think it’s a big deal though I can see why you’d find it annoying. What I would be clear with her very early on is that she’s not to share photos without your permission on them. My MIL used to share photos on her public FB profile despite us asking regularly that she didn’t. Got to the point where we were like well you can’t take photos if you can’t keep them to yourself. Finally worked.

You are being more generous than I would be if you are "brushing this particular thing to one side". I would set some boundaries right now, or in the future you will be either consciously holding back from telling her things, or seeing all the details of your birth experience, possible breastfeeding issues, toilet-training setbacks (baby's, not your own) plastered all over Facebook and discussed at her coffee mornings, with the world sending you unwanted advice.

"Muriel, I do understand that you were excited to hear that the baby is (probably) a girl, and you wanted to share your excitement, but we hadn’t yet told many people and I’m disappointed that I can’t now be the one to share my news with the wider world myself, as you have already done it. Ebenezer and I do appreciate your involvement, and I’m sure you will be a wonderful grandma, but please do check with us in future before you share any of our news. Thanks, Amber."

She definitely shouldn't have posted without checking it is ok. I would have your husband ask her to not post any news without checking first and say that you hadn't yet been able to tell friends and family personally which you'd been looking forward to. He could also ask how she'd have felt if she'd found out on FB rather than being told personally. He doesn't have to make a big thing of it.

I want to believe she's changed and don't want to come between her relationship with her son and grandchild.

I keep telling myself that I am overreacting, and that I need to give her a chance. But she keeps doing things that wind me up to no end.

My mum uploaded a picture of my 12 week scan onto Facebook and I asked her to remove it - not because I was arsed about people knowing I was pregnant or her telling people, but it's just not my thing to do big public announcements or overshare info on social media - I just find it a bit cringeworthy 🫣. That being said she genuinely was just really excited about the pregnancy and didn't intend to cause any upset, and she did take it down without a fuss when I asked her so no harm done in the grand scheme of things!

Use the unfortunate happening to stress the boundaries of no news about baby on social media, please. No photos of baby on social media; that is purely the parents' prerogative. It's a safety concern and a privacy issue.

Tell your MIL last about the baby's arrival and suggest who she can tell.

The only thing you can know is your baby's sex. You are not allowed (on this political climate) to assume its gender.

I do think you need to make that clear to her at the time then OP, my MIL as lovely as she is, cannot keep a secret to save her life.. she normally tells people things starting with "don't say anything, but.." or "don't tell them I've told you, but...".. she is also a bloody menace on Facebook.

Lesson learnt, but you need to make things explicitly clear from now on:

"DO NOT put anything on social media" it will absolutely pain her, and she will tell everyone she meets, including Brenda down the road and the amazon driver.. but at least she won't blab all on Facebook.

I’d be annoyed too. I get that she’s excited but it’s poor manners to announce anything before the parents have done so themselves.

I would be nipping this in the bud before she takes it upon herself to share the birth or name before you get a chance.

It’s normal to want to tell people good news, but tbh it can seem as though the person posting or sharing information wants some of the congratulations and well wishes for themself

I know and have apologised for this in other comments but can't edit.

I wonder why they are called "Gender Reveal" parties with all of this confusion over sex/gender.

Though I suppose calling it a "Sex Reveal" party wouldn't quite hit the right note 😁

Perhaps it's because I'm a man but I don't get this thread.

If I'd told my MiL something that I didn't want her to tell anybody else, I'd impress upon her the importance of not doing so - or else...

Perhaps I've missed it, but I can't see where the OP told her MiL this. Is the MiL meant to "know" this by some process of telepathy or osmosis without being expressly told?

(And yes, it's "sex" not "gender")

Nonsense. A baby doesn’t have a gender identity it has a sex identified (not assigned) at birth.

Yes, my mother doesn’t use SM, but is a timid people-pleaser who is completely unable to not answer a question, however inappropriate, personal or nosy. She thinks it’s ‘rude’.

Obviously, that’s her decision when it is about her own affairs, but it became my affair when, visiting her, I was having neighbours I didn’t know (houses built since I left home) putting their heads over the wall and demonstrating a detailed knowledge of my recent gynae problems and the surgeries I’d had. I was absolutely furious, shut them down, and told my mother she was never going to be privy to any information I considered private ever again if she lacked the ability to deal with other people’s inappropriate curiosity.

(The gynae stuff was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’d also had relatives I hadn’t seen in years knowing my exact salary and the cost of my house (not UK so no Rightmove equivalent.)

Some people you just need to not tell things to. Their loss, obviously. I don’t consider the sex of a baby in that class, though.

I wouldn't be sharing any thoughts / decisions about your choice of names.

If confidences can't be kept, then those confidences don't get shared

It's Facebook, nobody cares.

Okay we didn't communicate that this wasn't to be announced on Facebook before we had the chance to tell everyone

It's lovely for you and your family that you're having a baby girl - but honestly no one else is really interested in that fact, so there is no need to make an 'announcement'.

Why does everyone get so upset about these things - there are so many things to worry about in life - timing of announcing the sex of a baby isn't one of them!

Do you often go ahead and share others personal information on social media, without checking? Do your family regularly have to explicitly tell you not to do it?

Most of us are well aware that someone else’s personal information is not ours to share with explicit consent. There’s something wrong if you think the parents need to reiterate that constantly.

Some people really enjoy doing a gender reveal. It’s fun. The MIL has taken that away.

Yes, it's annoying, however...

My thoughts are that if a person doesn't want something to be common knowledge they keep it to themselves because once someone else is told it's out of the first person's hands what happens.

We can only police ourselves.

Exactly. Hence me now keeping my medical issues to myself, and not telling my mother.

I couldn't get upset about it. She's excited to be a grandma, that's the main thing.

Some people are strangely obsessive about not having any pictures or info of their children on SM - while giving their kids free access to the internet. Thus completely missing where the real danger lies.

I've been doing this with my mum from the year dot!!! 😆

"I want to believe she's changed and don't want to come between her relationship with her son and grandchild.
I keep telling myself that I am overreacting, and that I need to give her a chance. But she keeps doing things that wind me up to no end."

You have no evidence that she has changed; wanting and or hoping to believe it is a false dawn.

She will continue to wind you up as well and she will impose her will on your child going forward via you as his/her parents. You will both further be undermined and disrespected. It is not possible to have a relationship with someone like his mother, a woman who has son acting as a wet lettuce in her presence because he cannot stand up to her. Your own innate female conditioning to be nice to all has a lot to answer for as well so stop doing that to yourself.

She has not changed and her daughter still does not speak to her. Her overt behaviour and lack of boundaries is causing all this, not you. You have every right to assert your own boundaries here. People pleasing will do you no favours and your MIL will take full advantage of your weakness here.