MIL announced our baby's gender on Facebook. It has upset me. Could I be overreacting?

[AmberPoet]

Sometimes I really hate social media and the trouble it brings. My MIL has decided to take it upon herself to announce that myself and my husband are having a daughter on Facebook, without us posting or consulting us 1st. I don't believe there is any malice in it, but I think it's overexcitement and a lack of common sense. Okay we didn't communicate that this wasn't to be announced on Facebook before we had the chance to tell everyone, because it didn't enter our heads that she would actually do such a thing. I'm starting to think that we need to communicate all of our boundaries and like right now. What does everyone else make of this?
I am trying to brush this one particular thing to one side, but I can't help but think of what she will be like when the baby comes along.

It’s not rubbish. It’s entirely correct. And worth saying for the mimsy types who think ‘gender’ is a ‘polite’ way of saying ‘sex’ without thinking of the repercussions of eliding the terms.

It's not that the sex of the baby is ground breaking or exciting news, it's that it's not her news to share. A friendly word will probably sort it.

You do get the odd first time grandparent who forgets their DC is an adult and the baby is their DGC not their DC. The vast majority cop themselves on pretty quickly, and I'm sure OP's MIL will too as she doesn't sound awful.

It may come as a shock to you, but nobody else cares about the sex of your baby.
On you and the grandparents.

That's entirely reasonable OP, but unfortunately some people's brains appear to fall out once they get on social media and consequences like this follow

If you mention, no matter how gently, that this isn't what you wanted you'll likely get a flappy hand and a pretence of victimhood, so probably the lesson I'd take from this is not to tell her anything you wouldn't want repeated in future

There are few small joys in life, and announcing the sex of your baby to your chosen ones is one of those small joys. If I was the OP I'd be gutted.

Good on the OP for not being too upset. We chose not to tell anyone but were shocked at the number who asked. Clearly many are interested.

That's not what it's about, and I think you know that. MN loves to tell new mums that no one cares about their babies, but in this case it's not about the baby's sex, it's about the MIL announcing her son's news.

She was wrong to do that but it's done now and you are going to have a daughter. Perhaps tell her that you prefer to give personal news to people when you feel it's the right time and don't want it advertised. She'll get the message.

Congratulations, it is wonderful news!

I don't think you're over reacting at all.

At the end of the day, it wasn't her news to share. I think you need to lay down some boundaries with regards to SM and the general sharing of your news.

I'd be pointing out that if it happens again you will opt to not tell her news early in future.

My cousin did this to me when I had my LO. I thought I was safe to share a text with close family and friends without one of them taking to Facebook but clearly not.

People are strange.

The "gender" part was a mistake on my part and I apologise. I understand gender is a social construct, and our baby will get to decide when they are older what their gender is.

Look this is not the end of the world.
Yes you may have to scale back when you tell her things, if you want to be the first to pass on news. But look at it this way , you now can talk to her before the birth and explain, in a nice way that this is your news to share first and you will let her know when she can tell people things...

So why announce it on facebook?

It's fucking awful we have to tell people not to share our own business on social media these days 🙄 I can't stand this. A relative of mine shared when I got engaged before I'd even told other family members and close friends. I was not happy.

Are scans 100% accurate these days?

There could still be a surprise if they aren't!

Or like 99.999999999% of the population they won't have a "gender".

One way to avoid all this nonsense is not to find out until you give birth. Then it's a surprise for everyone! The world won't fall in if the "nursery" (ie baby's bedroom) isn't pink or blue.

She should definitely have checked with you before doing this.

Does she overstep boundaries in other ways?

Potentially! Lol

I feel for you OP.

I specifically asked all of my family and my in laws not to post anything on social media about my LO as a) it's up to the parents if they want to share such personal information and b) I don't think social media is a place for children anyway.

When he was born my Dad put his whole name and date of birth ( my partner is paranoid about identity theft) on his status and his profile isn't locked down. Then my partners auntie shared some pretty sentimental and personal pictures on her story minutes after my C-section. We had t even told our close friends who we'd chosen as godparents yet about his arrival.

There were a few fall outs! As much as it seems over the top, you are best off just being honest. You will post info on YOUR child on YOIR social media when appropriate if at all x

I can think of so many people over the years (certainly dozens, probably hundreds over the years) where I've been very excited to learn whether they're having a boy or girl.

I've always felt quite honoured when I've heard about pregnancies, sex of the baby, virus etc, directly from the parents rather than on social media.

And when I've had babies I've had such joy in sharing news with those who love me (obviously more carefully, via text, for those who might find the news brings mixed feelings).

I don't think it's earth shattering news, obviously! But it is a big deal in the lives of parents, and when we love someone, the things which are hugely significant to them really matter to us, surely?

OP is right to react calmly, and it's certainly not worth spoiling a relationship over. But MIL has been thoughtless, and it's with clarifying what OP is happy/not happy for her to share on SM in future.

If NO-ONE CARES about the sex of OP's baby, why would her MIL risk annoying her pregnant DIL in order to make an announcement that nobody will be interested in?

My DD has made it quite clear that no pictures of my DGC are to be posted on FB, Instagram etc. I posted the birth of my DGC with a picture of their foot. Yes I was really excited and a bit sad that I couldn't show more but this had been requested and it's their child and for them to make decisions about their child.. Now I don't even think about it, it's a non issue.

So definitely tell MIL she can't share photos. I hope she will respect your wishes otherwise no pictures are allowed to be taken by her or shared to her.

According to OP's other posts, she does sound pretty dreadful and this is the latest example of her MIL overstepping.

Well there will be with next baby that’s for sure! 🤣

YANBU and if you have another - keep the sex strictly to yourself and don't tell her.

DH is right - you need to have that discussion with her now. If you don't want pictures of your child online the choice if "no respect for child's privacy, no pictures". If you are happy to share through restricted filters with close family again - no resharing or she comes off the filter. Its simply not good enough to say "nobody cares" - we cared and that should be enough for everyone else.

For me this was always a non negotiable but thankfully our families felt the same (and it was easier then).

OP stay outwardly calm but put your foot down. Tell her once that if she can't be trusted to keep to your boundaries there will be consequences and that you won't tell her again.....actually better if her son does this, best of all to do it together.