MIL announced our baby's gender on Facebook. It has upset me. Could I be overreacting?

[AmberPoet]

Sometimes I really hate social media and the trouble it brings. My MIL has decided to take it upon herself to announce that myself and my husband are having a daughter on Facebook, without us posting or consulting us 1st. I don't believe there is any malice in it, but I think it's overexcitement and a lack of common sense. Okay we didn't communicate that this wasn't to be announced on Facebook before we had the chance to tell everyone, because it didn't enter our heads that she would actually do such a thing. I'm starting to think that we need to communicate all of our boundaries and like right now. What does everyone else make of this?
I am trying to brush this one particular thing to one side, but I can't help but think of what she will be like when the baby comes along.

My mum can't keep a thing to herself. In fact, she's reported back to me, things I've told her in the first place. Hopeless.
I now only tell her anything, that I'd be comfortable the whole world knowing.
Keeps it simple.
Congratulations on your baby girl OP!

Yeah, you need to tell no one until you're ready for wildfire.

And when you tell family you need to flag up the level of confidentiality.

That's the only way.

Grandparents can go totally MAD

You are your OH are the people who are most interested in the sex of your child. Keep this in mind when being annoyed with your MIL for telling people.

This.

I think anyone announcing anyone else's pregnancy publicly whether verbally or on social media without asking them first is on very dodgy ground, whether they are a family member or friend. You just don't do it. I'd say I understand their excitement but please could they delete the post immediately.

The point I'm making is that if person A gives information to person B that A does not want communicated to anyone else, but A does not make that clear to B and simply assumes that person B must know not to tell anyone else, then the person at fault is A for not making that clear to B.

Regarding "personal information", no I wouldn't share bad news personal information without checking [1] and I probably wouldn't share good news personal information without checking [1] either. But the obvious danger - I would have thought - is that if you tell your MiL the sex of your unborn child, she's more than likely to tell the whole world unless you expressly tell her to keep it secret.

I don't think there's anything wrong with me - unless you think wanting to be perfectly clear and unambiguous so that everybody knows where they stand rather than having to guess what's going on is wrong.

[1] Of course if I were person B I'd check with A if they wanted the information kept quiet. But that's because I'm a very sensible and reasonable person and take pains to get things right. But if I were person A I would not assume that B was equally as sensible and reasonable as me and I would tell them not to tell anyone else.

Anyway, in my personal experience, MiLs are very far from sensible and reasonable and telling them anything is asking for trouble...

I think that’s fair, @Manxexile.

You need explicit consent from people to share anything about their pregnancy. It's such a private thing. Just don't gossip about other people - how hard is it?

Some people are being woefully obtuse and stupid about this. Anyone who doesn't see anything wrong with this, can you not think of a single piece of information about yourself that you might share with someone in your family but wouldn't necessarily want them sharing all over FB? And do you caveat everything you say to your family with 'please don't post this on social media'? Or do you think most people realise that not all news is theirs to share, positive, negative or mundane, and they should just be pleased someone has decided to share it with them and not blast it out publicly?

It's not about the revelation of oh shocker a woman is going to give birth to a girl/boy! It's about sharing someone else's news, without asking them first, and making it all about yourself. The MIL is totally unreasonable here and I would be upset too OP.

I think some posters here are the worst kind of gossips and busybodies who don't think twice about passing on all kind of information verbally or electronically, that's what the issue is.

If you don't want particular information shared, don't share it in the first place. Put people on an information diet. Only tell them what you wouldn't mind shouting from the highest hilltops yourself.

I'd perhaps either ask MiL to take her post down or edit her post to remove the key information.
Please don't tell us that you've already divulged your due date as that will bring its own issues about who is/isn't allowed into the delivery suite with you etc. etc. etc.

You don't need to discuss boundaries to his mother.

You need to discuss boundaries that his mother will have to adhere to but the discussion is between you and your husband and no one else. She doesn't need to be made aware of these boundaries (except if she crosses one) and the push back if she does cross a boundary needs to be uniform from you and your DH.

These things are so annoying. I have 2 children from a previous marriage but our baby was my DHs first and his mother's first GC. He was 40 so she'd had a long wait. My eldest had GCSEs coming up and I wanted to wait and tell him after the exams, he was fine about it and excited but I didn't know how he'd react so waiting was the right thing to do. As MIL was so desperate to be a grandmother we told her but swore her to secrecy as I didn't want any chance of my other kids finding out before we were ready to tell them but yes she told someone.

Her friend phoned about something and at the end of the conversation she congratulated me and I thanked her. Obviously was a bit gobsmacked but DH was furious that she had once again gone against what we'd asked her so he phoned her and told her how upset he was. Well before you know it friend phoned and told me off for upsetting her (I didn't) as she was just excited, she really ranted at me and DH told his mother he was finished with her. This lasted a couple of months and I persuaded him it wasn't malice and he should forgive her. I was still the baddy with her buddies. Life isn't fair is it.

I have to warn you she didn't learn and her overstepping boundaries did continue. It was like she was deliberately sabotaging her relationship with her son and GC but she just couldn't help herself. Good luck and I hope your MIL is more receptive than mine was. I'm the MIL now and I try to learn from her mistakes and have good relationships with my kids' partners, it is possible.

How will she know what the boundaries are? I know hopefully an adult could work it out but on this example I don't think the OP can rely on that.

Don't be so nasty

Friends and wider family DO care (ime)

Completely agree.

Most people really wont care.

The fact that you have been lucky enough to conceive and carry a healthy child seems to have completely bypassed you if this is what you have to worry about.

Someone has to be the first person you tell so unless you can get everyone you want to tell personally together you have to rely on people waiting to give you the chance to tell others.

My mum is like this- no concept at all of privacy or that something she has been told might not be for sharing. Even if you tell her she ignores it and then tells you that actually whatever it was wasn't private actually (wtf).

The trick is not to tell her anything until you are happy for it to be broadcast to all and sundry. No need to warn her or explain- just change your strategy. It's a shame but what can you do?

Doesn't matter, it is still their news to tell not the MIL.

I don't understand why people have to be so nasty

This might be the case in your family but it certainly wasn't in mine

How rude. I'm a MIL and I get on well with my children's partners. I'd never do something like this, I'm always really careful what I say about one of them to another as I know what it is like to have no privacy because of a MIL who can't keep her mouth shut.

re your comment
"My H was surprised that she had done this, and knew it would upset me (but still liked the post 🙄). After a discussion this morning he agrees that we have to openly discuss our boundaries to his mum, especially with regards to once the baby is here".

Amber

It was ever thus he was going to like his mother's post.

He really has learnt from her to believe that the sky will fall in on him if he "upsets" her in any way. She along with her H did a really poor job of raising their son. He cannot stand up to her at all and if he cannot do that he certainly is not up to defending you as his wife from her excesses of behaviour. He cannot and equally will not deal with his mother because he also does not want to get involved. His inertia however, when it comes to her hurts him as much as you.

And indeed you do not have to discuss boundary issues with his mother because she knows she can ride roughshod over any boundary you care to set her and nothing will happen.

I think YANBU. She shouldn’t be discussing anything about your pregnancy on SM. Loss happens and I don’t think anyone other than the parents should be discussing a new life on social media really until they are actually born. It’s really insensitive of her and socially tone deaf.

Would not use her for any form of childcare either; she is already showing you she cannot be trusted and or relied upon.