To be fed up of name calling in arguments

[Catmad32]

Every time me and my husband ( married 1.5 years together 4) argue he often ends up calling me names like “ miserable cunt” or “bitch “ or something similar.
I’ve told him repeatedly how hurt it makes me feel . Often the arguments will be quite minor in my opinion and I feel the name calling just escalates it as I then feel upset at that .

the example for today is that at the weekend I took my eldest DD ( from previous marriage) shopping to get some Xmas bits and I asked him for an idea to get him as a present from her and her baby sister. He suggested a aftershave. That was the only gift idea he gave me . So we went to boots and got one. Then today he pulls out literally the exact same one I had chosen and when I questioned why he had gone and got it/ asked me to get one he got defensive. Turns round and says I’ve been miserable all day and as he goes out the door called me a miserable cunt.
I tried to explain that if I had known then I could have spent the money on something else. I was thinking about how it might have been disappointing for him to open on Xmas day knowing he had it already.
I don’t call him names and try to not use abusive language . I’m not someone who suffers fools lightly but I don’t feel the need to name call.
we had relationship counselling before we got married and that was one of the issues I raised and it was agreed he wouldn’t do it but feels like that’s been forgotten.
he’s very good at turning things around on me and isn’t good at accountability.
any ideas on how I can address this issue greatly received as I desperately want to feel respected .

The other thing is that even if every single piece of verbal abuse he's says to you has conveniently been out of earshot of your daughter to date; sooner or later that's not going to be the case.

You've got several more years of your daughter at home and you've got 18 plus years of your baby at home ...... It would be extremely unlikely that neither of them would ever even overhear him verbally abusing you.

Or see (or even sense) the atmosphere caused by his behaviour.

What annoyed me aswell was how people saw my ex as a nice helpful man. Which he was to everyone else but us.
Even my family didn't tell me until afterwards. He had been a creepy touchy feely arsehole to one of my cousins and 2 of my nieces. They told me they didn't say anything because I was happy!? This happened before we were married.
I decided that I'm totally shit at relationships so am happily single.

For example today he said i was acting miserable today

Even if you were (doesn't t sound like it) then a reasonable thing to say would be "you are acting miserable today" not "you're a miserable cunt!".

If he can't see the difference between those two (he can) then he doesn't sound sane enough to be functioning in society.

OK - here's my experience. My ex husband called me a cunt. Once.

Note the "ex" part.

Like you, we had a child and a mortgage. Neither were a barrier to divorce.

What do you think he would do if you were verbally abusive to him, by the way?

If you said "you're one stupid wanker/dickhead/prick/bastard"?

You make no sense to me!!
Did I say that??

@FloordrobeIsGoingToGetME
And what makes you think you can make that judgement on me, not knowing one single thing about me!!
Do tell!!

These are perfect people in a perfect world giving you perfect advice, without actually reading anything properly 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Why make the OP feel as bad as you can. Wow! Show some support.

The answer to every problem on mumsnet is LTB. Do any of you actually consider that for some people this is so very difficult.

Have some compassion

Yes this sums it up well. I do feel like when I express an annoyance at things that I then get attacked.

Basically you're being trained to shut up.

people are so quick to say ‘leave’. Perhaps that’s why there’s more divorce these days. no man is perfect. No woman is perfect. I have called my partner a ‘d*ck head’ in a heated row amongst other names.

So your DH doesnt mind verbal abuse?

I'm guessing your DH hasn't previously gone to counselling with you to persuade you to stop name calling?

Or been so upset by it that he's posted threads on dadsnet about how to make you stop?

Dickhead is a fairly mild insult. Have you ever called him anything like 'cunt'? What about calling him a slag and bringing up his sexual history - do you do that?

Your situation doesn't appear to be anything like the OP's, so not sure why you are trying to make a comparison. All you are doing is minimising the damage that abuse does, and the impact that this verbal abuse is having on the OP.

Yep, this is spot on.

OP - him doing overtime so you can work less might be a positive thing in a healthy relationship, but here it just makes you dependent on an abuser. Don't think he doesn't know what he's doing when he puts you in a position where you would find it financially difficult to leave.

Disney is not worth this. When your daughter looks back in years to come, it will be hearing her mum called a 'cunt' and a 'bitch' that she remembers the most, not Disney. (And please don't kid yourself that she will never hear it, because she will.)

I had a verbally abusive boyfriend in my twenties. It messes with your head as on the one hand he was so interesting and loving then it was like a switch after a few drinks we had an “argument”. Only it wasn’t really an argument it was him verbally abusing me. I was from a happy loving home which in a weird way made it worse as I had zero experience of this so didn’t know what to do.

Thank god I saw sense dumped him and married Dh barely a cross word and not once in 20 plus years has he ever called me a name. We have a happy calm loving home for our kids and I thank the goddess every day I made the choices I did.

This thread is so depressing - imagine defending a man who calls you a miserable cunt just because he pays for trips to Disney.

I didn’t defend him. I wouldn’t have written this post if I thought it was ok! I was asked what his good points are and gave an example of how he does ensure his children have good experiences etc. it doesn’t make up for it

Indeed it does not and you do not yourself have a good time around him. He is sending your children mixed messages by being nice to them whilst abusive to you as their mum. Trying to protect them from his abuse of you whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible.

He knows well what he is doing.
He targeted you.
It isn't accidental.

Once you accepted being called a slag by this vile pig, you sealed your own fate.

No woman with an ounce of self respect and self esteem would tolerate this.

It is not normal healthy behaviour in a loving relationship.

It is a highly abusive relationship with two children who will pay a high price for growing up in this environment.

These things take time.
Make plans for a future without him.

I don’t know how many times I have to say this, my children have not witnessed him name calling.

yes I know all those who say they will eventually or they will pick up on vibes. I am saying to this date they have not. Please stop pitying my children who have nothing but support and love from both parents.

Ok I’m going to close this thread down. Extremely disappointed at the responses from some fellow women.