To be fed up of name calling in arguments

[Catmad32]

Every time me and my husband ( married 1.5 years together 4) argue he often ends up calling me names like “ miserable cunt” or “bitch “ or something similar.
I’ve told him repeatedly how hurt it makes me feel . Often the arguments will be quite minor in my opinion and I feel the name calling just escalates it as I then feel upset at that .

the example for today is that at the weekend I took my eldest DD ( from previous marriage) shopping to get some Xmas bits and I asked him for an idea to get him as a present from her and her baby sister. He suggested a aftershave. That was the only gift idea he gave me . So we went to boots and got one. Then today he pulls out literally the exact same one I had chosen and when I questioned why he had gone and got it/ asked me to get one he got defensive. Turns round and says I’ve been miserable all day and as he goes out the door called me a miserable cunt.
I tried to explain that if I had known then I could have spent the money on something else. I was thinking about how it might have been disappointing for him to open on Xmas day knowing he had it already.
I don’t call him names and try to not use abusive language . I’m not someone who suffers fools lightly but I don’t feel the need to name call.
we had relationship counselling before we got married and that was one of the issues I raised and it was agreed he wouldn’t do it but feels like that’s been forgotten.
he’s very good at turning things around on me and isn’t good at accountability.
any ideas on how I can address this issue greatly received as I desperately want to feel respected .

Why are people making assumptions that I have low self esteem and was targeted? I’ve said nothing about my previous history before I met him.

It was you that brought other posters into it, not me.

It isn't helpful to tell the OP that having a non-abusive partner is some kind of perfect unachievable fantasy. Because it isn't.

By telling her that it is, you are reinforcing rhe message that it isn't that bad, and that she should stick with this guy.

No sorry only one separation. Which was for 6 weeks.

Your two daughters could well
emf up in abusive relationships themselves as adults particularly if you choose to stay with him for your own reasons. They are not going to learn that the only acceptable level
of abuse in a relationship is none.

Clearly some other posters who have replied have sadly missed that memo too given their poor counsel re talking to him or entering into joint counselling with your abuser. Answering an abuser back can be dangerous and does not work because they see that an additions l challenge to take down the person being abused.

Abuse is not a relationship issue , it’s all about power and control and thus man wants absolute over the OP.

People are making inferences based on the facts that you have given them.

You stayed with him after he verbally abused you the first time (despite the fact that you were only dating at the time, no real ties). You married and had a child with him after he carried on verbally abusing you.

You were targeted OP by him to abuse, he clearly and by stealth worked his way into your life.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. How did you ferl
during that six week separation?

It's MumNet - "Husband left his dirty underwear on the floor." MumsNet - "Leave him he's abusive."

As if it's easy to up and leave to untangle a life, mortgage and became a single Mum. I've seen so many threads on here and the comments are relentless on the verge of bullying in my opinion.

Of course I would never advocate a person to continue a relationship with an abusive person.

I personally agree that your DH is emotionally immature and his attitude could escalate. Keep him in check with this make sure he understands this is not acceptable anymore and that you will leave if he continues to behave and call you names.

My ex husband was a verbally abusive arsehole to me. We were married for 4 years.
I had a child with him. I also had a child from a previous marriage.
We did marriage counselling and he used that time to manipulate the counsellor.
I used to block his nasty words out of my mind.
It wasn't until he physically assaulted our 2 year old son because the child had raided our door less pantry for a bag of flour and was playing with it outside that I knew I needed to leave him. I thought he was a good father until then.
I was shopping and was only gone for 1 1/2 hours.
Within 6 months I was out and divorcing him. When talking to my lawyer about the shit he did, it finally hit me that his name calling was abusive.
I found out a few years later that he was an arsehole to my oldest child as well.
It's been 16 years and neither I nor my kids have seen him since.

How I wish that Mumsnet was an option for me then

See no , I have already said it improved and stopped . We got married had a baby etc and it’s started again since my baby has arrived. Had I had known it wouldn’t I probably wouldn’t be in this position.

Your boundaries op are poor to say the very least, You have over time become inured to his abuses of you and in turn your kids who can and will pick up on all your reactions to him.

Your recovery from his abuse of you has not started yet and it could take you many years to recover from this too.

There was an argument because you bought him the aftershave he suggested. Then he also purchased the same aftershave, resulting in two identical bottles.
This riled you for some reason-his reply was you're a miserable cunt.

Is this correct?

Unfortunately abusive behaviours tend to escalate once you're pregnant/have a child together.

Because you're more trapped and they're complacent you won't leave, and also I think because your attention is divided and they hate that.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist No you brought yourself into the conversation, I made a comment in response to someone's unhelpful comment. Now you're accusing me of aiding OP to stay with her husband, are you saying OP is so vulnerable she can be swayed by a comment.

Abuse is not just physical in nature.

Pregnancy and birth and often flashpoints for abusers to further escalate their abuse against their chosen target. Now that you’re married to him as well he really does think you are trapped. He has shown you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse your entire relationship.

What do your parents think of him?. How many people know about his treatment of you?.

Pretty much yes. I was cross that I could have got him a different gift and worried he would be disappointed on Xmas day opening a gift from the children he already had.

If you hit quote when replying, it's easier to follow who you're answering.

She's in a abusive marriage, and is posting on MN for advice. So yeah, I'd define those as indicators that someone is vulnerable.

And you posted to have a go at the supposedly "perfect" posters with their "perfect" husbands who pointed out that the OP's husband's behaviour was utterly unacceptable, and that her children shouldn't be exposed to it.

Noone on this thread had verbally abused the OP (that I've seen, anyway). It's her husband that is doing that. So maybe save your outrage for him.

‘I’m not someone who suffers fools lightly’

Read that again and have a rethink.

You are married to an abusive man. Get out.

Op will have to plan her exit if she decides to leave him with due care because her safety is of paramount importance.

It’s not easy to leave and such needs to be planned. It’s not being easy is not a reason to stay. It’s a damn sight harder to stay, abuse is another form of a slow death by 1000 cuts.

If op stays with him he will
destroy her emotionally till such time she really is a shadow of her own self constantly on high alert and walking on eggshells awaiting his next outburst.

I feel I should give some further info after reading the msgs.

when we dated, the insults were different. He would call me a slag and make reference to my sexual past. I made the mistake of over sharing my time as a single person with him and I guess he didn’t like that.

during counselling that was what I wanted to stop. And it did.

the name calling that has restarted over recent months are now the names I’ve already mentioned , so not an improvement at all but a change to the content.

If you made it clear that this was a deal breaker in counselling before you married, remind him of that in no uncertain terms. You will not tolerate being abused in that way and if he does it again, you are done. And mean it. If you can’t do that, you will just have to put up with it because he will not change as long as you allow him to do this to you.

He basically manipulated both you and the counsellor who did not recognise that you were being abused at that time. Are you 32 now as your name suggests or are you younger?.

He really does see you as his possession with your children being the associated collateral damage to his abuses of you and in turn them . He cares not a jot for them either.

Your life with this man will go further downhill now. His private based war with you will continue unabated,

I am 32. The counsellor did make reference to it being abuse I remember that

Is there some backstory to this that we’re missing OP? I’m just struggling to understand why, especially pre-marriage, no joint kids, so no ties really, you had a boyfriend who called you a slag and weaponised your sexual past over you and you thought “yeah, he’ll be a good husband and a great influence for my daughter”. It just doesn’t make sense to me, which makes me wonder if there is some past experience that made you specifically vulnerable or blind to the red flags, you of course don’t have to share that here but maybe worth thinking about.

Sometimes these horrible men hide until you’re 10 years in and stuck but this one walked right out wearing his red flag proudly.

If you won’t leave, never tell him the names hurt you. He does it to hurt you so letting him know he’s succeeded just fuels the monster. You’re not going to get the genuine emotional response you’re looking for.