To be fed up of name calling in arguments

[Catmad32]

Every time me and my husband ( married 1.5 years together 4) argue he often ends up calling me names like “ miserable cunt” or “bitch “ or something similar.
I’ve told him repeatedly how hurt it makes me feel . Often the arguments will be quite minor in my opinion and I feel the name calling just escalates it as I then feel upset at that .

the example for today is that at the weekend I took my eldest DD ( from previous marriage) shopping to get some Xmas bits and I asked him for an idea to get him as a present from her and her baby sister. He suggested a aftershave. That was the only gift idea he gave me . So we went to boots and got one. Then today he pulls out literally the exact same one I had chosen and when I questioned why he had gone and got it/ asked me to get one he got defensive. Turns round and says I’ve been miserable all day and as he goes out the door called me a miserable cunt.
I tried to explain that if I had known then I could have spent the money on something else. I was thinking about how it might have been disappointing for him to open on Xmas day knowing he had it already.
I don’t call him names and try to not use abusive language . I’m not someone who suffers fools lightly but I don’t feel the need to name call.
we had relationship counselling before we got married and that was one of the issues I raised and it was agreed he wouldn’t do it but feels like that’s been forgotten.
he’s very good at turning things around on me and isn’t good at accountability.
any ideas on how I can address this issue greatly received as I desperately want to feel respected .

There’s a constructive and compassionate way to reply. Those like you who think the attack approach is helpful are the reason so many people think mumsnet can be a very toxic environment .sitting behind a keyboard making someone who’s already clearly struggling ten times worse.

Nope, it’s not. There’s no need. I am a mental health professional ( gasp horror guess I’m shit at my job as well cause I tolerate name calling at home) and wouldn’t dream of responding in some of the ways people on here to to people looking for help and advice.

my point is there’s a way of speaking to people that’s generally acceptable and safer than victim blaming and attacking. You don’t have to be a professional to be compassionate, pretty worrying that you assume that it’s ok for others to say what they want on an online forum.

Could’ve fooled me.

Nope, it’s not. There’s no need. I am a mental health professional ( gasp horror guess I’m shit at my job as well cause I tolerate name calling at home) and wouldn’t dream of responding in some of the ways people on here to to people looking for help and advice.

Well then, as a professional yourself, you can't exactly be surprised that a forum full of women is angry about small children being raised in such a toxic environment.

I also suspect a lot of people here would consider reporting your situation if they could.

I didn’t defend him. I wouldn’t have written this post if I thought it was ok! I was asked what his good points are and gave an example of how he does ensure his children have good experiences etc. it doesn’t make up for it

I think the point is that you should be aware enough to realise that he doesn't have any good points because of how he treats you.

Even in arguments I don’t wish to hurt my partner ever to win. He knows it hurts you so he is deliberately trying to hurt you for bringing something to his attention he doesn’t want brought. It feels like either he is very immature or he hopes that you get the msg don’t bring things to my attention or you will get hurt. I had this for over a decade until I lost my voice because I was scared and hurt from the retaliation.

He is controlling arguments and you and reality because he can’t control himself.

you say you dont understand why he does it, well, he does it cos he can and he knows you will complain and then rinse and repeat. up to you what you do but as for you saying your kids never hear anything, my parents thought the same, but i knew everything cos i used to hide and eavesdrop on them in 'discussions'.

saying your kids never hear anything, my parents thought the same, but i knew everything

I agree with this. Arguments tend to involve raised / tense voices, which can be identified even if someone isn't in the same room. Kids aren't blind, deaf or stupid, and they pick up on more than you will know.

You have bigger issues here. Please start getting your ducks in a row. He sounds horrible and is unlikely to change.

Catmad32 Would you take The Freedom Program? You can do it online.

It doesn't sound like you aren't in a relationship with a decent man who has the odd quirk. Nice people don't ask you to do something for them, then undermine you, then call you names.
Controlling and abusive men use niceness when they need to fool you, its not their personality, its a weapon.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You should also consider using Clare's Law and Sarah's Law to check his background and see if he has previous convictions.

You are too nice and too reasonable. If you insist on staying in this relationship you need to stop messing around talking about feelings. He knows it hurts you and that's exactly why he does it. So if you want him to stop doing it you need to be more strategic and train him like a dog. Every time he calls you a name you say something like 'don't call me names' and walk away. Then you do or not do something that is unpleasant for him like withholding support, sex, labour or not co-operating with plans that are important to him. You put the boundary in place, you stick to it and you mean it. If he changes then that's good I suppose but do you really want to be in a relationship like that? If he doesn't change you know it's never going to and all out war will probably ensue. Best to do it now while your child is young and it's easy to leave.

Controlling and abusive men use niceness when they need to fool you, it's not their personality, it's a weapon.

Exactly. There's also the fact that very few people would stay in a relationship with no "nice" parts - they know they have to chuck a few crumbs your way occasionally if they want you to stick around.

I can guarantee he doesn’t due to his job role.

There’s being angry at a situation and there’s victim blaming and self confidence destroying behaviour .

Take the aftershave back

Don't buy anything else

Consider your options

There’s being angry at a situation and there’s victim blaming and self confidence destroying behaviour

If you want balanced, professional responses then go to a professional - don't get angry with normal people for reacting with normal emotions to an upsetting scenario involving g small children.

I don't understand why you went to counselling with such a vile person?

Why didn't you/don't you realise that this isn't normal and not part of any loving, respectful partnership?