To be fed up of name calling in arguments

[Catmad32]

Every time me and my husband ( married 1.5 years together 4) argue he often ends up calling me names like “ miserable cunt” or “bitch “ or something similar.
I’ve told him repeatedly how hurt it makes me feel . Often the arguments will be quite minor in my opinion and I feel the name calling just escalates it as I then feel upset at that .

the example for today is that at the weekend I took my eldest DD ( from previous marriage) shopping to get some Xmas bits and I asked him for an idea to get him as a present from her and her baby sister. He suggested a aftershave. That was the only gift idea he gave me . So we went to boots and got one. Then today he pulls out literally the exact same one I had chosen and when I questioned why he had gone and got it/ asked me to get one he got defensive. Turns round and says I’ve been miserable all day and as he goes out the door called me a miserable cunt.
I tried to explain that if I had known then I could have spent the money on something else. I was thinking about how it might have been disappointing for him to open on Xmas day knowing he had it already.
I don’t call him names and try to not use abusive language . I’m not someone who suffers fools lightly but I don’t feel the need to name call.
we had relationship counselling before we got married and that was one of the issues I raised and it was agreed he wouldn’t do it but feels like that’s been forgotten.
he’s very good at turning things around on me and isn’t good at accountability.
any ideas on how I can address this issue greatly received as I desperately want to feel respected .

Does your children witness his behaviour?

This is an abusive situation

we had relationship counselling before we got married

oh. dear.

As you seem to be keen to stay with this peach, my advice would be to stop the conversation entirely and walk away each and every time he speaks like this to you.
Stop engaging and trying to reason with him. He knows you don't like it. That's why he does it. To hurt you. It's quite deliberate.

So what would it take? Do you wait for the day your daughter is throwing a tantrum as all toddlers do, or a huff as all teen girls do, and he makes these comments to her? Or what about the day you’ve done something he doesn’t like and he calls you one of these names infront of her, she goes to nursery and calls someone there those same names, because what she grows up seeing is what she will grow up to see as normal? Or she grows up watching her dad speak to her mum like this and so when she gets her first boyfriend and he speaks to her like shit she just accepts it, because that’s what a normal relationship looks like to her?

Honestly I think it’s madness you even married him when you already knew he was like this beforehand, but you can’t change the past. You can change the future though.

My dh would only ever be able to call me names once. He'd be an ex after that. We've been married 10 years and we've never called each other names.

Why did your best friend despise him?

Was your eldest DC ok about him moving into her home, does he treat her with respect or get annoyed with her too.

Your poor daughters but especially your eldest, how could you move a man like that into her home?

I could not stay with a man who called me that. I didn't when the last one did.. You owe yourself more than that.

Respectful people do not speak to others in this way, certainly not to people they profess to love.

Whether or not the children hear these arguements they will be very much aware of the disrespect and the atmosphere in the home.

I find your answers unnecessary tbh. I don’t have “poor” kids. I have one child from a previous relationship who has a good relationship with her step father. Yes he might call me names in private but she’s got no reason to dislike him he has never ever been anything but nice to her and I’d certainly not stand by anything other than that.

My husband spent about a year verbally abusing me, calling me all the names under the sun. I packed a bag and I told him I was leaving and taking ds.

It put a massive rocket up his arse and he got counselling (of his own volition) and is still in counselling nearly 10 years later. He hasn't sworn at me since and constantly works to be a better man and husband.

I do think people can change.

I don't think your husband is one of them. Not given the fact you had counselling before you married and he's showing you he's learned nothing! Cut your losses. Seriously.

At what point do you feel you have any knowledge of my children? Considering I’ve said nothing

why the marriage consulting before you got married? A mere couple of years after you first even got together

what did you want from this thread?

on the basis of your Op

Thank you for your reply. And thanks for showing that not everyone’s husband aren’t capable of abusive language as it appears the majority say.
I am glad to hear your husband changed. I don’t know how to change him that’s the trouble. We seperated for 6 weeks about 2.5 years ago ( which triggered the counselling) and maybe I gave up on it too soon.

About a argument in private?

You married and brought a man into your child’s life who even before you got married was calling you names & required counselling … it doesn’t scream “I want good people in our lives” really.

Not for someone to pity my children. The post is about me and my husband. Like I said, no argument is ever infront of our children.

He might not be a great husband but he is a good dad to her and his biological daughter and I will stand by that

Because of the issues I’ve already addressed. I wanted to address it before we got married. And it did improve . But it rears it’s head on occasion like today

Sure. He calls women cunts.

He has no respect for women, or you. That’s not a good man, nor is it someone I’d want around my own daughter. I wouldn’t wait around for the day he turned that language on my daughter, not a chance.