To be fed up of name calling in arguments

[Catmad32]

Every time me and my husband ( married 1.5 years together 4) argue he often ends up calling me names like “ miserable cunt” or “bitch “ or something similar.
I’ve told him repeatedly how hurt it makes me feel . Often the arguments will be quite minor in my opinion and I feel the name calling just escalates it as I then feel upset at that .

the example for today is that at the weekend I took my eldest DD ( from previous marriage) shopping to get some Xmas bits and I asked him for an idea to get him as a present from her and her baby sister. He suggested a aftershave. That was the only gift idea he gave me . So we went to boots and got one. Then today he pulls out literally the exact same one I had chosen and when I questioned why he had gone and got it/ asked me to get one he got defensive. Turns round and says I’ve been miserable all day and as he goes out the door called me a miserable cunt.
I tried to explain that if I had known then I could have spent the money on something else. I was thinking about how it might have been disappointing for him to open on Xmas day knowing he had it already.
I don’t call him names and try to not use abusive language . I’m not someone who suffers fools lightly but I don’t feel the need to name call.
we had relationship counselling before we got married and that was one of the issues I raised and it was agreed he wouldn’t do it but feels like that’s been forgotten.
he’s very good at turning things around on me and isn’t good at accountability.
any ideas on how I can address this issue greatly received as I desperately want to feel respected .

Careful you don't trip over that bar.

I think you'll find that he's the one destroying your self-confidence

Do you work? If not, you should.

Not to mention the atmosphere and see the misery their mother is feeling

OP has stated she works part time in the NHS.

You've had counselling previously as a couple and that counsellor identified abuse. Yet you have remained with this man, why is that?. You love this man?. You do not want to be on your own?. A lifestyle you want to maintain?. You've stayed really for your own reasons if that is the case.

Your children, particularly the eldest, will have already picked up on some inkling that something is not right between you and dad. There is always an underlying tension in your home which they are noticing. Its not the sanctuary it should be for you and them.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Its a fair question to ask you.

If he is a police officer, then that profession has more than its fair share of misogynists and abusers, imo.

It’s not 1950! Im a nurse. A senior one at that.

People aren’t all good and all bad. It’s what we accept that’s the important part. I think someone once said to me would you still drink a coffee which contained 5% shit? We can’t change the coffee we are handed but we don’t need to drink from the cup. We can’t change people, we can’t say he would be amazing if he didn’t do this or this. This is who he is, it’s not changeable it’s mixed all in with the good parts. I don’t tolerate being shouted at anymore, I don’t care how amazing they are. This is very hard and deep line I have drawn because it’s bloody awful to deliberately stand in front of someone and call them names, deeply immature. What does it same about him as a man and husband and a father?

I had a relationship with a man who shared a couple of similar traits (and other significant ones you haven't mentioned but that's by the by).

When I posted about it on here, a poster said something that struck a chord ...that he was developmentally immature, that he hadn't developed or matured fully as an adult. (That included emotional regulation).

This man, imho, is similar ...the thoughtless, inconsiderate, fairly unreasonable behaviour...followed by blaming you for your understandable exasperation instead of a reasonable/mature response like "sorry, I didn't think/I forgot I'd told you to get me aftershave/I thought you probably wouldn't pick that one/yeah I should have dropped you a text before I bought it/I'll take mine back, don't say anything to your DD, she can still give me hers/I really like it so I wouldn't mind another bottle, we:ll just not say I already have it to your DD" etc. etc. A tiny bit of "oh shit, sorry", a tiny bit of conciliatory attitude/speech could have solved the thing easily.

I'm presuming nothing like that came out of his mouth. Then he got annoyed at you for daring to show exasperation. Then he threw a strop and started the fairly vicious, derogatory name calling.

It's all very very immature, like someone who hasn't grown up (and is a nasty child to boot).

If he's still like that as a relatively mature (by age, not development) adult; I'm sorry to say that he's extremely unlikely to change (as was/is the man I dated). It hasn't happened (normal development and regulation and responsibility).

It was probably a mistake to go ahead and get married and have a child with him, having seen what he was like, just because he' stopped verbally abusing you for a while (imho mainly because he knew there was a strong possibility he would end up out on his ear, and trying to find another part of from scratch again).
And I don't know much about you but I now know that you have a good, decently paid, respectable, responsible professional job ... I'm sure you're an attractive lady, you presumably have no addictions or major issues, your child is well up in age, you probably house-keep and care for people well etc etc. I think women actually overestimate how hard it is for men to find someone like that. They're always doing themselves down when dating; but the fact is that the dating scene is chock full of people with all sorts of issues and problems, also with responsibility for young kids (by other men obviously), people who are not solvent, not stable, can't earn more than MW etc. etc. You are a catch. You are a woman a man's family etc would be pleased to see him with.

Of course he was going to knock the verbal abuse etc on the head long enough to lock you down.

Once you were locked in, he would feel free to act however he fancies.

And this appears to be the norm (not the period where he refrained cause he knew there was a good chance he'd get dumped and have to try to attract and secure another woman on your level from scratch) ..... This is the default.

Something's not gone right with his development and he's unlikely to ever change, I'm sorry.

Sooner or later your kids are going to hear this shit.

Also it's impossible not to be affected by someone acting unreasonably and being verbally abusive ...are you truly at your most relaxed, confident, happy, productive etc dealing with this? That affects you, your kids, potentially your career etc.

Did you say your friend doesn't like him? That sounds significant too.

Op, is your job perhaps making you feel you have to work through things with everyone, rather than just end a relationship with them, because perhaps because that's what you do/have to do in work?

Always a middle path/trying to find a solution (?)

Could that be why you opted for counselling and gave him the chance, instead of a more absolute approach?

Maybe you're being (unhelpfully) affected by how you're trained to think and act in your job.

*I think women actually overestimate how hard it is for men to find someone like that.

Sorry, that should have been "underestimate".

I don't think I've even called my exh anything more than a knob (and that was during the divorce) let alone actual vile language that's spat out and intended like your DH has called you.

It's pretty disgusting. I'm going to guess the counselling was your idea before marriage too.

You married him on the basis he would stop. Now you can leave him on the basis that he can't.

Don't set this as an example for your DD/DC

I agree with all of this. Being called vile names IS a good enough reason to make plans to leave him.

Does he use this language to his mother?
Would he use this language to a woman whom he adored?

No, of course he wouldn't.

He uses this language to you because he doesn't care about you.
Your hurt is because you are trying to pretend he does love you but because his language doesn't demonstrate that you are confused and hurt.

I think you either have to leave or, accept that you are not the woman he adores, you are not the woman to whom he only wants to show kindness and you are probably the woman he will shove aside when the one does come along.

If you can live with that, and many do for all sorts of reasons, you might find a bit more peace in your heart.

If it were me, I would not be his rub rag and go but as you don't want to that then you must make your own peace with it and stop hoping that he will change.

Then you have options

Which was the point of my query so no need to be snippy

I'm not defending the use of clearly disrespectful swear words, but buying the same aftershave is hardly bad behaviour. To be honest, I don't even know why it was an issue. Sometimes couples nitpick at each other over minor things.
Nevertheless calling your wife a cunt isn't the correct response.

It is in the context of being asked what he'd like for Xmas from the kids.

Who (apart from someone being deliberately awkward) say "oh yeah, I'd like this aftershave" and then immediately goes out and buys it for themselves?

So he has 2 bottles of the same aftershave.
So what!!!

It's just being purposely awkward and dickish, that's what.

Either OP gets him something she knows he's already got, or she has to figure out something else to get him. He's basically setting her up to fail when she's trying to do something nice for him.

I think, if you are serious about trying to address the issue, you need to take some time away from the family and talk to him. I think it is a bit of a concern that he called you a slag and you married him, you have been through counselling to try and address this issue, yet he still speaks to you in this disgraceful way. It doesn’t feel like he has respect for you. He sees you accept this behaviour so why should he change?

I think (the very wise) category12 has a point above about setting you up to fail. It seems a bit odd that he bought aftershave when he knew you were doing so? Why would he do that?

I think you have to think long and hard about the future of this marriage.