To be fed up of name calling in arguments

[Catmad32]

Every time me and my husband ( married 1.5 years together 4) argue he often ends up calling me names like “ miserable cunt” or “bitch “ or something similar.
I’ve told him repeatedly how hurt it makes me feel . Often the arguments will be quite minor in my opinion and I feel the name calling just escalates it as I then feel upset at that .

the example for today is that at the weekend I took my eldest DD ( from previous marriage) shopping to get some Xmas bits and I asked him for an idea to get him as a present from her and her baby sister. He suggested a aftershave. That was the only gift idea he gave me . So we went to boots and got one. Then today he pulls out literally the exact same one I had chosen and when I questioned why he had gone and got it/ asked me to get one he got defensive. Turns round and says I’ve been miserable all day and as he goes out the door called me a miserable cunt.
I tried to explain that if I had known then I could have spent the money on something else. I was thinking about how it might have been disappointing for him to open on Xmas day knowing he had it already.
I don’t call him names and try to not use abusive language . I’m not someone who suffers fools lightly but I don’t feel the need to name call.
we had relationship counselling before we got married and that was one of the issues I raised and it was agreed he wouldn’t do it but feels like that’s been forgotten.
he’s very good at turning things around on me and isn’t good at accountability.
any ideas on how I can address this issue greatly received as I desperately want to feel respected .

OK, so you asked why people think you have low self-esteem / poor boundaries. This right here is a good example of why:

"when we dated, the insults were different. He would call me a slag and make reference to my sexual past"

This was when you were only dating him. You had no ties to him at all. Not only that, but you were already a mother and had a duty not to involve an abusive man in your kids' lives.

A woman with good boundaries would have ended it when he called them a slag while still only at the dating stage.

Not made an ultimatum. Not asked him nicely to stop. Not told him it was hurtful and that he shouldn't do it again. A woman with good boundaries would have just walked there and then.

Talking to an abuser about the abuse is a complete waste of time. As if he is going to respond positively to being told not to abuse his spouse.

The casual name-calling is not on. That's his argument-style nasty insults. Dp and I can be pretty full-on when we piss each other off but resorting to slag, cunt etc is a no-no.

"Sometimes these horrible men hide until you’re 10 years in and stuck but this one walked right out wearing his red flag proudly."

100% agree

OP what’s your support like in real life?

Do you have a good relationships with your parents? Friends you could tell

You don’t have to leave right now, but you do need to start making plans and have the means to leave in the future.

Calling you a slag is disgusting, he has no respect for you at all. It sounds like he hates women actually, I had one of those once too.

You sound lovely, and thoughtful, and clearly deserve better. Would you be willing to speak to Women’s Aid for support?

And LOL at all the posters saying we have “perfect” marriages because we wouldn’t tolerate being called a slag, or a cunt, or a bitch by the man that is supposed to love and respect us.

That is just a BASIC requirement in a relationship. Raise your fucking bar, it’s on the floor.

I think sometimes things can come out when arguments get heated between two people. But this doesn't sound like that, it seemed to have escalated so massively to him calling you a miserable cunt. And the aftershave thing sounds weird, why would he buy it knowing you were going to get it - he sounds more calculated and cruel than lost his temper in an argument and that came out. Neither are good but the former would certainly make me want to leave

He manufactured that argument re the aftershave then proceeded to use the DARVO method so beloved of abusers on the op.

This!

I agree with this. I remember many years ago a boyfriend called me a bitch for disagreeing with him and I ended the relationship immediately. The reason I remember this (over twenty years later!) is because nobody else I have ever dated has called me names.

OP you are being defensive and I understand where you are coming from. I have personal experience in this and it's very easy for people to fall back to easy answers when your position is anything but.

You will have to end this marriage at some point because IME it only gets worse. But I'm not going to say LTB because it's very easy for me to say it. It's much harder to recognise that you are being verbally abused and once you get that epiphany, you then have to muster the courage to take next steps.

I've been there, got the t-shirt.

Once he starts calling you names walk away. Don't entertain it. Leave the house if needed. No point in standing up for yourself, because he thinks he's right and that his reaction is perfectly reasonable. It's not, of course, but you can't ever change him. One day I hope you leave the house, take your DC with you and not go back. But you aren't at that point yet.

I had help from Women's Aid. I also had counselling. Both helped me realise I was not being treated well. It took years and years to end it.

Stay safe OP.

OP you have daughters - would you want them to stay in a relationship where they were spoken to like that?

What does he say after he calls you theses names? Does he apologize or pretend it never happened?

He says sorry but equally goes onto try and justify why he said it by listing things I’ve done wrong . For example today he said i was acting miserable today

I have good support, but it’s hard as my family all love him as they see his good side.

I very much doubt your family actually love him. They’ve probably noticed plenty of bad behaviour from him.

The image of the nice and kind family man is all important to abusive men. Many abusers too can be quite plausible to those in the outside world. You know the truth regarding this man, he is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Your family need to know the truth about your husband because abuse also thrives on secrecy. Perhaps one or two of them have their own private based suspicions about your husband. It’s very likely they do but do not express this to you out of fear of upsetting you or going on the defensive. If you cannot talk to family at the very least do consider contacting Womens Aid. They also have an online chat facility.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist Again wrong look at what I responded to. Someone was indicating that OP was an irresponsible mother bringing someone like that into her daughters life. You are right OP did come on MN for advice, a women clearly in an abusive relationship asking for advice yet OP is met with abusive comments and jabs which is clearly unhelpful to someone who is already in a vulnerable situation. Why ask such unnecessary questions like, did your daughter ask to have him in her life, like OP really woke up one day and thought yes I intend to meet an abusive man and bring him into my family. Be conscious about your words especially in text form.

How old are you Catmad?. Are you 32 as your posting name suggests or are you younger?.

How do you see the next 6-12 months playing out with your H?.

Yes I am 32. Tbh, I can feel myself detaching emotionally from him. There are practical reasons why I cant leave at the moment. If no changes then i know I will have to at some point it’s just not that simple. I love how people are quick to say leave him, like they are the ones who will be offering a place to stay etc!
i am a part time nurse on a NHS salary.. do the maths 🤔

No I wouldn’t. And when I point this out to my husband and ask him this question he of course says he would hate it. It makes no logical sense why he does it to me

You are completely bombarding the OP with all of these massive rhetorical questions that should be explored in a safe therapeutic relationship. Leaving someone like this is a process.

I understand I may of come across as defensive at points. I am totally fed up tbh. Fed up of being disrespected intermittently. Thinking all is well and then bam the insults re appear. It’s the way it’s so casual, like I don’t really know what someone would have to do to deserve the names but I definitely don’t come anywhere close.

Of course it’s a process and she is not in a safe relationship. I have already started it’s not easy to leave but it’s a damn harder to stay. I am not expecting her to go within the next week or so!.

Op - do consider seeking legal advice from a local solicitor or UNISON if you are a member of that union as they can point you in the duration of legal advice . Can you increase your hours of work going forward?.

He does this to you because he can and you have tolerated a lot that many women would have walked away from a lot sooner than now, Why are your boundaries in relationships this poor, he has taken full advantage of this in you.

He has decided to embark on his own private based war against you. Such men hate women too, all of them. Look at his family background, what is that like?. What’s his mum and dad like? That often gives clues.