To be fed up of name calling in arguments

[Catmad32]

Every time me and my husband ( married 1.5 years together 4) argue he often ends up calling me names like “ miserable cunt” or “bitch “ or something similar.
I’ve told him repeatedly how hurt it makes me feel . Often the arguments will be quite minor in my opinion and I feel the name calling just escalates it as I then feel upset at that .

the example for today is that at the weekend I took my eldest DD ( from previous marriage) shopping to get some Xmas bits and I asked him for an idea to get him as a present from her and her baby sister. He suggested a aftershave. That was the only gift idea he gave me . So we went to boots and got one. Then today he pulls out literally the exact same one I had chosen and when I questioned why he had gone and got it/ asked me to get one he got defensive. Turns round and says I’ve been miserable all day and as he goes out the door called me a miserable cunt.
I tried to explain that if I had known then I could have spent the money on something else. I was thinking about how it might have been disappointing for him to open on Xmas day knowing he had it already.
I don’t call him names and try to not use abusive language . I’m not someone who suffers fools lightly but I don’t feel the need to name call.
we had relationship counselling before we got married and that was one of the issues I raised and it was agreed he wouldn’t do it but feels like that’s been forgotten.
he’s very good at turning things around on me and isn’t good at accountability.
any ideas on how I can address this issue greatly received as I desperately want to feel respected .

Then please, please get yourself and your daughters away from him, or you're teaching them this is what a healthy relationship looks like. And then they'll be on here in 30 years time wondering if it's ok that their partner keeps calling them a miserable cunt.

Hi op, I’ve only read the first half of the thread, but I recommend reading It’s Not You by Dr Ramani. It’s got some good suggestions, including for situations where it’s not straightforward to just leave. Wishing you all the best.

What you need to know OP is that they don’t change. There is nothing you can do about his behaviour.

Please read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.

@Catmad32 The way he talks to you is abusive and disrespectful.

I think it erodes trust. This person who is meant to love you and protect you, flips on a dime, and abuses you. It makes the good times fade. It makes you wonder what exactly he thinks of you all the other times.

I'm not surprised you're detaching yourself. You know it can't continue and you won't tolerate it. You know that you have no future with this man unless he can change and not revert.

It's hard to leave abusive relationships. My ex abused me terribly. I actually had no real ties to him. No kids. No property. It still took me 7/8 times to go for good. I was traumatised for years after. He physically, verbally and emotionally abused me. It's not easy but you'll have to find the strength somehow. You have little girls learning from you both what a relationship looks like and how to expect to be treated.

Of course he does it sporadically because if the verbal abuse was constant you would most likely leave.

He keeps you hooked by behaving well and treating you nice and when you're nice and relaxed, boom here comes the arseholery.

But you stay because it's not that bad you think, only sometimes and that's a toxic environment right there.

I experienced this with emotional abuse and silent treatment from my ex. It was all nice for a while and then out of nowhere I'd have whiplash from his change in behaviour. It took me 8 years of misery but finally I left, after 24 years of being with that man and 2 primary school aged kids, because I realised that the only male role model that my daughter saw was of this abusive man.

My father was abusive similarly to my mum and I had this epiphany where I realised that I stayed with this absolute arsehole because that's what I'd seen growing up. If you asked my mum whether her children saw their dad treat her badly she would say no, that she protected us from it.

But we heard, felt the tension and the horrible atmosphere.

Get out, it's not worth it, if not for you, for your girls.

Good treatment in a relationship not an argument you have to have. over and over again. You don’t have to litigate this issue. There is no excuse and no reason for him to call you abusive names—I don’t care how “miserable” you were or how disgruntled or stressed he is. No one needs to insult their life partner. If he has to treat you like shit to express himself he should leave. His low expectations for his own behavior are conveniently also lowering yours for your treatment.

Expect better. Demand better. Stop accepting his pathetically stupid excuses for shitty treatment. This is not hard! Life is hard. Your relationship should be soft, warm, and kind.

she’s got no reason to dislike him

Except that he treats her mother poorly. Children aren't stupid. They can sense the relationship dynamic between the main adults in their lives, even if they are not a direct witness to it or understand, precisely, what is going on if they are. But children do know that things are not alright.

Children also takes their cues from you. If you are willing to accept being treated like this, what sort of relationship dynamics will you expect them to put up with when they are grown up?

I am so sorry that he has spoken to you like this, it’s not nice.
it is also disappointing to see how you have been attacked on here when you came to ask for some advice.
people can say things a little more kindly than they have.
it sounds like your husband needs some support to gain a better understanding of how he is making you feel, he has to have self awareness and motivation to change his behaviour. If he cannot do that then you will have to think about what you want for your future. I wish you all the best

@Starlou I agree that some of the responses may be making OP worse than she already is, but to say that her "husband needs some support to gain a better understanding of how he is making you feel" made me scream. Are you for real?!?!? These are not kinds of words that can be misunderstood, they are quite literally a weapon made to hurt the person they are directed to. He says them with a purpose to hurt, he KNOWS that he is hurting his wife, he does not need “help to understand how he makes her feel”.

OP, I am sorry that you feel attacked by all of us, but we do not do it with a purpose of hurting you like your husband does. We say these things with only one purpose, to help you open your eyes and realize how serious this is, and what you have to do in order to preserve your health and wellness (and maybe life), yours and your daughters. Yes, often times, we need someone else to tell us (explain to us) that what we are experiencing is abuse. For me too, was my therapist, but I believed her and her validation helped me leave my now exh. I wish you all the best!

You deserve better OP.

Did your friend witness this abuse? Is that why she didn't like him?

I think I would just leave for the night every time he did it. Just book yourself into a hotel and leave him to stew/parent on his own. Next day ask him if it made him feel good to put you down like that and if this is what the future looks like.

The more you tolerate it, he will continue to do it.

I’ve been there OP. There is no way to get him to stop doing this. It’s abuse. He’s not a good husband and he’s not a good father. Good fathers don’t abuse their children’s mother.

I know it’s hard to accept that right now as you’re still battling between the life you want, the life you have and the big change you’re going to have to make in the future.

I tried to reason with my ex over and over again that he didn’t need to call me names when angry and he never stopped doing it. As our children got older, he started swearing at them too and so I left him.

He now speaks that way to his new girlfriends. It’s part of how he controls his partners and makes him feel powerful. He won’t stop doing it because he doesn’t want to stop doing it. Yours never apologises without a ‘but’ because he’s justified to himself that what he’s doing is acceptable, even though it’s not. He won’t change. You and your children deserve better.

He’ll keep doing it until one day you finally loose all respect for him and fall out of love with him and realise your own worth.

You don’t speak to people you love like that. Would he speak to his friends like that or call anyone else them names with such a nasty tone?

Thats the real talk and your answer !

He's an ignorant arse. He obviously doesn't want to be with you judging by his behaviour ...
However... some couples do swear a lot and it means nothing .. my ex use to say I was an ignorant cunt as I didn't listen to what he was talking about. Then I'd tell him to fuck off. The next thing would be do you want a brew then I'd say yes plz.. never thought any more of it. And no that isn't why he's my ex . I just like been single.

Jeez. No support from any of these comments.
I have a few thoughts; people are so quick to say ‘leave’. Perhaps that’s why there’s more divorce these days.
no man is perfect. No woman is perfect. I have called my partner a ‘d*ck head’ in a heated row amongst other names. Maybe because im hot headed and immature. But he and I recognise the good qualities in one another too. Does your husband have good qualities? I’m sure he does. Can you talk to him and tell him how you feel?
also, in your particular example, perhaps you could have just let the situation unfold instead of pointing out that he already has the same aftershave. It’s his fault for suggesting the same brand.

Of course, lots of them. It’s not black and white like many like to portray. No one is all bad nor all good.
he is supportive, a good and active father figure, he works really hard to make sure we get to experience lots of fun things ( for example we go to Disneyland in 2 days time for the third time in 2 years) he works overtime so I can work less and be with my kids. He does anything for me and the children. He can be romantic. It’s just this ugly side of him that I hate which comes out when arguments happen.
however listening is not his strong point. I have raised the issue many many times and each time he becomes defensive and dismissive. It’s very tiring. I fear that as time goes on and I lose more and more confidence in the relationship it will be too late to solve.

Because you can’t solve it. He could take your complaint seriously but he doesn’t. So no change is possible. You are selling yourself for disney?

I’ve read all of your replies @Catmad32, all I’ll say is if you’re going to stay with someone who calls you a cunt that’s you’re choice, it wouldn’t be mine. If you’re going to normalise abusive behaviour then that’s up to you. He’s called you a slag and you still married him? Taking you all to Disneyland won’t fix this issue, he’s abusive, yet here you are willing to accept someone calling you a slag and a cunt. You’re 32, in 20 years time he will still be calling you a cunt and by then you’ll be left alone with “it” to continue abusing you. One day your children will leave home, one day “it” will have all day to call you a cunt. Think ahead, make choices, do what’s best and never accept anyone name calling you. He’s the cunt and a nasty one at that.

That wasn't a heated argument about a serious issue, where someone might be able to argue that emotions got the better of them. That's your husband being absolutely vile to you, because you're not allowed to express any dissatisfaction with his crap behaviour. Does he do this at work? To the kids teachers? To the neighbours? Or just you. Either he does think you're a miserable cunt, in which case he shouldn't be with you...or he is trying to make you feel like shit to teach you a lesson, in which case you shouldn't be with him.

You are not “hot headed” you are abusive. If my DH dared name call me he’d be gone. Have some standards and stop name calling your DH, it’s nasty behaviour. What some people put up with on here is madness. STOP trying to normalise abusive behaviour because “they have some good qualities.” I couldn’t and wouldn’t allow anyone to name call me. What terrible advice for the OP, you do not ignore this behaviour, it should be non negotiable in a relationship. Respect costs nothing,

He stopped it temporarily because it looked like he might get dumped and have to go through the whole process of finding a partner again from scratch.

Now you're, in his eyes, locked in; married and with a child between you .....he feels free to verbally abuse you again. He thinks you're trapped/stuck and going nowhere.

This is who he is.

One "cunt" and I'd be gone!

It’s just this ugly side of him that I hate which comes out when arguments happen.

But, if I understand it right, the argument was him being completely unreasonable too.

He said to get him aftershave for Christmas from your daughter, then went out pretty much immediately and bought himself a bottle of aftershave without checking if you'd bought one and which one ..... and then got angry & verbally abusive when you got naturally frustrated by that (is that right?)

So it's not just that he's verbally abusive during disagreements, he's also causing the disagreements/acting unreasonable and inconsiderate-ly too (?)

So basically you're not allowed to express reasonable frustration/exasperation at his behaviour without it being escalated to n argument and you being verbally abused.

This.

In a nutshell.