To be fed up of name calling in arguments

[Catmad32]

Every time me and my husband ( married 1.5 years together 4) argue he often ends up calling me names like “ miserable cunt” or “bitch “ or something similar.
I’ve told him repeatedly how hurt it makes me feel . Often the arguments will be quite minor in my opinion and I feel the name calling just escalates it as I then feel upset at that .

the example for today is that at the weekend I took my eldest DD ( from previous marriage) shopping to get some Xmas bits and I asked him for an idea to get him as a present from her and her baby sister. He suggested a aftershave. That was the only gift idea he gave me . So we went to boots and got one. Then today he pulls out literally the exact same one I had chosen and when I questioned why he had gone and got it/ asked me to get one he got defensive. Turns round and says I’ve been miserable all day and as he goes out the door called me a miserable cunt.
I tried to explain that if I had known then I could have spent the money on something else. I was thinking about how it might have been disappointing for him to open on Xmas day knowing he had it already.
I don’t call him names and try to not use abusive language . I’m not someone who suffers fools lightly but I don’t feel the need to name call.
we had relationship counselling before we got married and that was one of the issues I raised and it was agreed he wouldn’t do it but feels like that’s been forgotten.
he’s very good at turning things around on me and isn’t good at accountability.
any ideas on how I can address this issue greatly received as I desperately want to feel respected .

I just can't imagine putting up with this. OP you need to find some self respect. You can't be with someone who talks to you this way. You just can't.

That is verbal and emotional abuse from your partner.

You can't change him.

He's got to want to change himself.

I just want to say, getting relationship counselling before getting married is not a bad thing. It was because I wanted to address issues. And like I said things did improve temporarily . getting relationship help at any stage is not something that always signals the end.

the fact you had “issues” that were serious enough to warrant marriage counselling just a couple of years after you started dating…. speaks volumes

When your future husband is already calling you a cunt… it does signal the end

No it doesn’t. People can seek therapy for all sorts of issues not always major.

Ok, how can I encourage that?

the issues were so serious you actually separated?

this isn’t “name calling”

this is verbal abuse

Honestly, I can't even imagine either me or DH calling the other names like this. I wouldn't have married him if he did.

I know that's not practical advice, but the way your DH treats you is a long way outside the bell curve of 'normal behaviour in a relationship'. You're not going to fix him, so stop trying.

It was because of the name calling. I was trying to make a stand

You don’t- that’s literally the whole point. He would have to want to change, but why would he when you stay with him and make excuses for his behaviour anyway?

so you mean to say he was doing this before you married? before you fell pregnant?

and you went ahead very swiftly to marry and have a baby with him?

Counselling before marriage can be a very sensible idea.

But your issues weren't normal relationship issues, where you can talk things through and reach a compromsie - they were abuse. Verbal abuse.

In this scenario, counselling and marriage were awful, terrible ideas.

decent people don’t need to be “encouraged” not to be verbally abusive on an epic scale to their spouse Op

Look I came on here to get advice and maybe hear others experiences. You are constantly making personal jabs at me and my children and I don’t appreciate it so maybe stop
commenting unless it’s actually constructive.

but in your case it was “major”

it followed the relationship actually breaking down for 6 weeks

Advice: leave him, this isn't fixable

Others experiences: in a non-abusive relationship, this sort of name calling simply does not happen

Counselling isn’t recommended in abusive relationships. Which yours is.

“We at The Hotline do not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner. Abuse is not a relationship problem.

While there can be benefits for couples who undergo couple’s therapy, there’s a great risk for any person who is being abused to attend therapy with their abusive partner.
Relationship counseling can help partners understand each other, resolve difficult problems, and even help the couple gain a different perspective on their situation. It cannot, however, fix the unequal power structurethat is characteristic of an abusive relationship.

An abuser may use what is said in therapy later against their partner. Therapy can make a person feel vulnerable. If the abuser is embarrassed or angered by something said in therapy, he or she may make their partner suffer to gain back the sense of control. Therapy is often considered a “safe space” for people to talk. For an abused partner, that safety doesn’t necessarily extend to their home.
”

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

Holy shit how do you not know how bad this is?

can’t you see op

it’s not jabs

you have told us something extremely disturbing and you seem to want us to just pat you on the head and said it will be ok

It won’t be

Every single person has given you perfect and constructive advice- to leave.

That is the only correct advice here.

You’ve tried temporary separations, you’ve even tried counselling, you’re still in this situation now. So your only 2 options are 1) put up with it or 2) leave.

Why stay with someone who clearly hates you?

And how often do people always recognise they are in abusive relationships?