To be fed up of name calling in arguments

[Catmad32]

Every time me and my husband ( married 1.5 years together 4) argue he often ends up calling me names like “ miserable cunt” or “bitch “ or something similar.
I’ve told him repeatedly how hurt it makes me feel . Often the arguments will be quite minor in my opinion and I feel the name calling just escalates it as I then feel upset at that .

the example for today is that at the weekend I took my eldest DD ( from previous marriage) shopping to get some Xmas bits and I asked him for an idea to get him as a present from her and her baby sister. He suggested a aftershave. That was the only gift idea he gave me . So we went to boots and got one. Then today he pulls out literally the exact same one I had chosen and when I questioned why he had gone and got it/ asked me to get one he got defensive. Turns round and says I’ve been miserable all day and as he goes out the door called me a miserable cunt.
I tried to explain that if I had known then I could have spent the money on something else. I was thinking about how it might have been disappointing for him to open on Xmas day knowing he had it already.
I don’t call him names and try to not use abusive language . I’m not someone who suffers fools lightly but I don’t feel the need to name call.
we had relationship counselling before we got married and that was one of the issues I raised and it was agreed he wouldn’t do it but feels like that’s been forgotten.
he’s very good at turning things around on me and isn’t good at accountability.
any ideas on how I can address this issue greatly received as I desperately want to feel respected .

I'm going to be blunt - because you put up with it.

This man will have had previous partners who did not tolerate his abuse and dumped him. You haven't yet dumped him, so you are still on the receiving end.

Abusive men don't end up with women with poor boundaries/self esteem by coincidence. It's a combination of the men targeting those women, and the women selecting themselves by sticking around after the first incident. The boundary pushing acts as a filter - only those who are willing to tolerate it stick around.

I am willing to bet that in the early days of dating, he will have displayed red flags that would have made many women end it right there. But you didn't.

Shit happens temper flare names are called but if it's every time it's not right.
Gotta love these ones with the perfect marriage who wud walk at the sound of being called a cunt 🤔
Anyway - if you've told him you don't like it and he continues to do it, tell him every time he does it you lose a bit more respect for him and your starting to believe he doesn't respect you.
I'd say he's doing it out of frustration, unable to Communicate like an adult

Gotta love these ones with the perfect marriage who wud walk at the sound of being called a cunt 🤔

You think that not being called a cunt means someone has a "perfect marriage"? Your standards are way too low.

He has been calling her these names since before they were married, and since before they had a kid together. Most women would (I hope!) dump a man they were only dating who called them names like "bitch" or "cunt". Honestly, why on earth would you stick around?

I doubt there is a magical phrase that will suddenly make him care how his verbal abuse affects you. But if there was, I guarantee he will adopt another tactic to abuse you. Every physically abused woman will tell you the verbal abuse eventually turned into physical abuse.

Get that nasty bully out of your house and treat him like the scum he is.

Oh, OP.

It's not good enough 😥

Loving partners do not call their partners miserable cunts or bitches.

They don't deliberately create a situation where they ask you for a specific gift, then buy themselves the exact one.

Don't be 'hurt'. BE LIVID.

How dare he? How dare he speak to you like that? Find your pride and your anger. He's manipulating you and being abusive.

Time to try and see the wood for the trees.

😮😮😮😮

Your standards are WAY too low. May I say that unlike your name, you are not nearly sensitive enough.

Will never forget v early on in our relationship I was stressed and spoke sharply (and unfairly) to Dh. He said calmly “don’t ever speak to me like that again”. Not aggressive but clear, serious and firm. I needed it tbh. I did never speak to him like that again and he never did to me either. Think there’s no harm in putting boundaries in really early.

Here's some practical advice. It sounds like you need to go return to counselling and discuss how your husband acts out in an abusive manner when he feels like a child. If he can't work through his own emotional baggage it'll continue to come out at you like this. There is nothing, quite literally, you can say or do that can change this for him. It's a coping strategy. It's his version of fight, flight and freeze etc (fight). He attacks you to stop himself feeling shame. He needs to want to work through this. Many women stay with men like this but unfortunately most of the time the men don't actually do the work until after divorce!

Its really not that bad.

Yeah, I mean, it's not as if he hits her, is it?
/sarcasm

I thought women had stopped saying that sort of thing to each other years ago, but obviously not.

Seriously mind blowing that you are asking OP these kind of questions.

Seriously OP you are getting some backlash from the ever so perfect Mums/wives with their ever so perfect husbands who never put a foot wrong.

Nip it in the bud with DH talk to him and tell him this kind of behaviour cannot happen anymore otherwise big decisions will have to be made.

As others have told you, because he can without any consequences. If he called another man that he’d get punched. If he called his boss that he’d get sacked. If he called someone in a position of authority that he’d get in trouble. You showed him there are no consequences if he does that to you.
please don’t think we’re attacking you. You asked us all to give you advice that doesn’t exist. You cannot perform a miracle. He will not get a personality transplant. If it was possible, we’d all have told you already. Believe me, I’ve been there for a long time. The only way is to leave.

You say you feel hurt. Don’t you feel absolutely fucking livid? A man who disrespected me to this degree would have been out of my life like a shot. If I didn’t feel able to end it for whatever reason the only thing hurt would be his ears after I told him what I thought of him. Then it would be into the spare room or onto the sofa and my legs would be clamped very firmly shut. For a long time. Until I get a grovelling apology. How can you bear to have sex with him?

Again, not moving in with, marrying and having a child with a verbally abusive man (who has proven that he is verbally abusive time and time again) is not the same as being "perfect". Not calling their wife a miserable cunt / bitch does not mean a man is a "perfect husband".

It's a bare minimum, not perfection. Your standards are way, way too low.

He knows how you feel OP and he does not care. He does this because he can and you’re still around to take his abuse.

Joint counselling with your abuser is not recommended, such is never advised where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse is not a relationship issue nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of. It’s about power and control and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Therefore your relationship to him is over.

Thank you. I feel it was pretty unnecessary

What was pretty unnecessary?

Bringing my children into it / remarks on my parenting . Talk about kicking someone when their down 😒

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist

No one is asking you to move in or marry an abusive man! Try and keep it about OP and not about you. Your comment is irrelevant to what I replied to. OP was asking for some advice of course this is a platform to exercise opinions whoever there is absolutely no reason to jab and ask irrelevant and personal questions, it's plain rude.

However*

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad behave like this towards your mum?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are like the boiled frog here and he has ramped up the power and control against you over time. He will continue to do so as long as you and he live under the same roof. Over time too your children will be affected, good fathers do not ever abuse the mother of their kids. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment too when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. As you have indeed done here re him.

God help you OP.
He is abusive and now that you have had a child with him, you have two daughters living with an abusive.

Of course it is sad.
Of course people feel sad for your children.
How could people not.
You married him despite him behaving badly.

Please talk to Women's aid.
Your daughters deserve better than this.
So do you.

OP doesn’t have that kind of power over him, there’s already been 2 separations where they got back together, couples counselling even before marriage. Not a single threat about “big decisions” make any difference now because it’s empty words and he knows that, she’s made “big decisions” before, at least 3 times (2x separation & counselling) and yet here they are. He can do whatever he wants and OP will stay. Why would he bother changing?

OP has no bargaining power left, she’s showed all of her cards- do whatever you want & I’ll still come back tomorrow.

Talking to an abuser about their abuse is a complete waste of time. He knows full well what he is doing here and he has embarked on his own private based war against his wife the OP. He does not behave like this to his work colleagues or to people in the outside world, this abuse is for OP and behind closed doors. He blames her for all his problems, in his head it’s everyone else’s fault except his. Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

He targeted op deliberately to abuse. He homed in on her insecurities and too low boundaries, such types can also sense all
this a mile off whilst many decent men would leave her be to heal.

If I was to call you the names your husband calls you, anonymously through my screen my comments would be removed because they’re aggressive, abusive and unacceptable.
Yet he says them, the person you’ve chosen to forever love to your face and in a temper and you’re accepting it.

I’ve been in relationships where I’ve been called names and I’d be single forever until I accepted that ever again.