To be fed up of name calling in arguments

[Catmad32]

Every time me and my husband ( married 1.5 years together 4) argue he often ends up calling me names like “ miserable cunt” or “bitch “ or something similar.
I’ve told him repeatedly how hurt it makes me feel . Often the arguments will be quite minor in my opinion and I feel the name calling just escalates it as I then feel upset at that .

the example for today is that at the weekend I took my eldest DD ( from previous marriage) shopping to get some Xmas bits and I asked him for an idea to get him as a present from her and her baby sister. He suggested a aftershave. That was the only gift idea he gave me . So we went to boots and got one. Then today he pulls out literally the exact same one I had chosen and when I questioned why he had gone and got it/ asked me to get one he got defensive. Turns round and says I’ve been miserable all day and as he goes out the door called me a miserable cunt.
I tried to explain that if I had known then I could have spent the money on something else. I was thinking about how it might have been disappointing for him to open on Xmas day knowing he had it already.
I don’t call him names and try to not use abusive language . I’m not someone who suffers fools lightly but I don’t feel the need to name call.
we had relationship counselling before we got married and that was one of the issues I raised and it was agreed he wouldn’t do it but feels like that’s been forgotten.
he’s very good at turning things around on me and isn’t good at accountability.
any ideas on how I can address this issue greatly received as I desperately want to feel respected .

The therapist should not have agreed to counsel you in the first place. Your partner should never need reminding to treat you beautifully at all times.

This is depressing

but you clearly do recognise it as such
hence leaving him over it a couple of years ago
hence the marriage counselling before even married
hence this thread

For the record not that I know it makes it any better but 99.9 percent of the time he is a decent husband. He is supportive and good with the children and provides etc and is loving towards me. It is on these occasions where we argue that the ugly side appears and it is hard for me to comprehend why. Especially when he can be verbally very loving and nice to me the rest of the time. I have struggled with pretty bad postnatal anxiety and he was great about it. This is why it’s so conflicting for me

why does your best friend despise him?(or rather ex best friend as you cut ties as you didn’t like how she didn’t respect your husband)

You can recognise things aren’t right but not always recognise it as abuse. Why do so many abused women go back time and time again?

Some abuse is subtle and hard to recognise. Calling someone a cunt is clearly abusive. Who would say it wasn’t?

he “often” name calls
you “repeatedly” tell him not to
it’s “every” argument

so to be clear

you don’t recognise this as abuse and if your daughter told her partner was doing as you describe…. you also not recognise it as abuse?

It doesn’t matter if he isn’t abusive most of the time. If I made you a cup of tea and said it contained 2% shit, would you drink it?

You should have split up with him the first time he abused you instead of going to counselling.

There is nasty language it’s not always extreme as cunt or bitch or whatever but that is the worst case

people are always quick on mumsnet to say leave. But maybe I need more practical advice on a day to day basis in the meantime before making that jump

Your children will be completely aware of the contempt your husband has for you.

i’ll bow put then

wish i’d never opened the thread. Depressing to think of children being around this

If you genuinely can’t see this for what it is for yourself OP, think about how you’d feel or what you’d say if it was your daughter in your position, that may help you see it more clearly.

If your daughter came to you in 20 years time and said her husband was calling her these things, that she’d already left him and went back, that she’d already tried counselling, what would you tell her? Would you say “ahh but it’s okay, he was nice to you yesterday”, or would you say “that’s not acceptable”? If you wouldn’t be happy to see your children in a relationship like yours, let that be your sign to get out of it now.

You cannot change him! Do you understand that? There is no sentence you can say that will make him have an epiphany and stop being abusive towards you. He already knows what he’s doing, and he Does.Not.Care.

It’s not out of his control - does he call his mum a cunt? What about his boss? His friends? Does he verbally abuse them, or is it just you?

Funny how he can control himself around others isn’t it? Open your eyes OP, the signs were there long before now. Either leave him or accept that this is your life.

None of that is good enough. I have been married fir 30 years to a man who does all those utterly basic things you think your guy is so good at and, in addition, he has never called me names.

But why me?

Abusers aren’t abusive all of the time. That’s why women go back, or find it hard to leave.

If he was like this all of the time you’d have no problem leaving him. That’s not how abuse works, they are lovely and kind and caring…until they’re not. And then when you question the relationship, they are lovely and kind and caring again. Until they’re not. The “nice” side keeps you there, makes you question whether it’s actually abuse, or if it’s bad enough to leave.

That’s a choice only you can make OP, but please don’t waste your time trying to change him.

Because he views you as his emotional punch-bag.

Because he can. There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s something very wrong with him.

You want to feel respected but that's not going to happen if he doesn't respect you. I think you need to write him a letter explaining how it make you feel about yourself and how it makes you feel about him. I'd also be clear that you while you love him and your family you and want to stay together you will not continue the relationship if he continues to disrespect anx abuse you. Then the balls in his court. If he keeps doing it then you need to end the relationship. If he wants to do something about it he will work on it himself and go to anger management or therapy.

If my DH called me names like that, he'd be out on his ear. I wouldn't take that from anyone, let alone someone who is supposed to love and care for you!

this is the treatment you accept. Maybe he would like to scream abuse at ither people but he fears and respects them to much to do so.? That is generally a part of abuse—the abuser takes revenge on the weaker people around him (children, pets, women) because he is safe doing so.

He may even think he is doing a pretty good job “99 percent of the time” snd the spiteful remarks are his tax on you, or a tip he swipes from your purse, revenge in you because he needs you and you aren’t subservient enough.

Whatever: this is unfixable. He knows how to treat you but this is what he likes.

@Catmad32 what’s he like later when he’s calmed down, does he apologise, or do things to make ‘amends’ or does he just expect to act like it never happened.

Does he act the same way with his friends, family and work Colleagues- if not then it’s a conscious decision to talk to you like that.

would he talk to you like that in front of others - his friends/family etc?

if you turned round when he called you these names and just emulated his behaviour telling him how pathetic he is etc would he escalate his behaviour further or be shocked and back off?

I’d say it’s back to counselling for you both and his inability to emotionally regulate himself with his own partner would be a massive turn of.

this kind of behaviour leads to women tip toeing around partners so we don’t upset their delicate little masculine emotions.