Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

Oh wow what an update.

This is so much easier now you know it's what you both want.

The bloody bin argument actually did you a massive favour.

Well done!

Well done. It’s obviously been on his mind as well and at least he’s financially prepared and has already thought this through himself.

The bin argument just solidified again that you can’t live with someone who blows so hot and cold or subject yourself and your daughter to his mood swings.

At least you’ve got this conversation out of the way, you’ve got your rental lined up and you can and will move forward.

Thank you all, I’m not sure I’d have managed to do this without the supportive messages and kick up the arse! I’ve made a new thread as I think I may still need advice on how this plays out over the next wee while, and to make sure I stick to my guns!

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5223987-moved-in-with-my-partner-and-i-did-make-a-huge-mistake-thread-2

You have so got me this!!!

It does sound like this tbh - you may find that it's actually a relatively easy separation if he also realised he'd made a big mistake but didn't want to be the guy to let both a mum and child down too.

I really wish you the best. You've done absolutely the right thing. Just focus on your lovely DD

That’s such a great update @haveimadeamistake ! As you say, hopefully he will make it straightforward in order to protect both of you… and I also suspect he thinks he made a mistake too.

I wonder if you might start to feel sad though- it’s bound to be a disappointment and it is a loss, so if you do- let yourself feel it, but don’t let it make you feel guilty. That sense of relief right now tells you it was the right thing to do.

Well done OP. You've put your dd first despite this obviously being a very tricky situation, many women (and men of course) wouldn't. It sounds like he may think it's been a mistake too and the reality of living with someone else's child isn't for him. I honestly think you deserve credit for how quickly you've dealt with it once you've realised his negative behaviour towards your dd. It broke my heart when you said about her showing him her dolly with the plaster and his complete disinterest, and the way he spoke to her - I was worried for her. I admit releasing a small sigh of relief reading your updates!

Fantastic news OP - really well done. Look how many people you’ve got here backing you up snd sending so much positivity. 💐 You are an amazing mum and a fierce warrior!

Well said @AlertCat

Well done.
I'd advise you to formally engage a solicitor for advice asap.
All best to you & DC.

shame the flowers came too late, they should have been the day after you first told him how he was treating your daughter !

too little too late

Big red flag. I'd end it.

Maybe read some of the updates, given we are on p39 of the thread?

💐

Your post suggests you know the answer. With a young child, your partner needs to be 100% invested or this won't work.

It doesn't matter who paid the deposit and fees. If your name is on the deeds and you pay half the mortgage you are entitled to 50%.
I'd make an escape plan now and don't date anyone till your daughter is much older.
She has to come first.

<taps the sign>

Maybe read some of the updates, given we are on p39 of the thread?

oh well by not reading the whole thread, or all the Op's updates, we will soon be on page 40

and maybe some people will even realise that there is a 2nd thread...

Your daughter won't remember the beautiful house, the new nursery. What she will remember is confusion about what she is doing to deserve the silent treatment. Please put her first. I think you already know. This will only escalate. Best of luck OP

We can but hope… 😀

She's 3, in my view probably the easiest age to get along with.. I fear as conversations have not worked it will more likely get worse as she gets older....and quite reasonably she may resent the situation.
Good Luck 🤞

Would you feel comfortable leaving her with him, alone?

Sounds like you’re right and the regret is on both sides. I think it’s time for a detailed discussion with him, you stating that you recognise this and tgst you need to decide together how to proceed.

Im sure he is great on these days. Those days will become less and less, she'll feel more and more insecure as she grows.
There's more to life than bricks and mortar, there will be a new home, a new lovely nursery and a happy child and money.
Please leave, before your child is damaged.