Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

You need to start being more sensible about these things. Your credit rating isn't just about borrowing money. It affects things like getting a phone contract or a rental property. Go get proper legal advice before you make anymore gung ho financial decisions that you don't understand the consequences of. Read the small print!

NSPCC will advise these are red flags and you must protect your child (which you are doing)

I am not sure that they will.

Look, I think that OP is doing the right thing getting herself and her DD out. This is the wrong relationship for her and for DD. But from a legal perspective, nothing the STBXP has done would be criminal or precipitate social services involvement.

@HollyKnight hindsight is a wonderful thing. I obviously don’t want the house to be repossessed, I’m just saying he has more on the line to prevent it from going down that route.

@haveimadeamistake, a couple of PPs have signposted https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk - do contact them!

@Garlicpest i had a look earlier but I’m in Scotland :(

Bother! The Scottish Women's Rights Centre seems very focused on abuse scenarios (gender-based violence). There is Citizen's Advice Scotland - I think you said you'd contacted them?

@youcantry81 i might do, I’m staying at a friend’s on Friday anyway out of pure coincidence. I’ve just received a big bunch of flowers in the post with no note…

🫣 op really ,

@Omgblueskys they’re from him. I feel awful that he doesn’t know what I’m doing yet.

Don’t feel awful. He didn’t feel bad when he was being unkind to your DD

The problem is a big bunch of flowers doesn't solve the issue does it?

No, it doesn’t. We’ve just had a big argument over a bloody bin, of all things. I’m on the edge of telling him to leave now but DD is asleep.

He knows you're ready to leave. The flowers are a manipulation.

Tonight’s argument is your opener for a conversation, certainly.
Clearly it isn’t working for any of you.
The longer this goes on with him being clueless about you leaving, the harder things are going to be to disentangle financially and legally.

I'm sorry to say the flowers confirm he knows he was wrong yesterday and is attempting damage control/manipulation because "how could you leave when he does something so great?".

On a side note if you want to carry on posting OP you will need to start another thread.

He’s gone. I just blurted it out, that this isn’t getting better and I can’t see past his behaviour. He was pretty nonchalant about it, said he can’t change it. I said I want to move out, didn’t tell him about the rental. He’s obviously already thought about it as he said he’ll pay the mortgage when I move out and look at selling his other property to keep this place on. So in that sense, it’s not so bad. We left things pretty sour though, I asked him to go and stay at his auntie’s house and he just left without a word. I feel a massive sense of relief…

💪🏽

What a relief OP.
💐

Bloody hell, well done @haveimadeamistake

Massive sigh of relief and remember, if you have a wobble at any point, you've done the right thing for your DD ❤️

That’s good, Op.

I think he maybe also felt hes made a mistake and you’ve given both of you a get out of jail card.

Let the dust settle for a few days then sit down and have a calm adult conversation about finding the best solution for everyone.