Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

Ask any abused woman how she feels about the awfulness of living with someone you are on eggshells with as you don't know if you're getting the loving man or the one who will slap you..

This is abuse and it will escalate and have life long implications for your child; only the worst of th3 worst and utter cunt would ignore a small child and not even greet them, you need to get out. And you need to get out immediately.

Oh god, did he op?

100% this. Kids don't need loads of space or stuff. But they do need to feel safe and SECURE.

You deserve better x

How long have you been together?

I would have said it's only a month, maybe he is trying to settle into living with you and your daughter but him saying 'but she hasn't spoken to me' sounds unhinged.

Will the landlord let you move back in.

Tbh as soon as you wrote: "Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her" then I thought "I'd be out of there like a shot."

Why did you not have him move in with you before buying a property?

My DH moved in with me and my DD , it worked well and a year later we bought a property together. We have been together nearly 7 years now, and have our own DD together.

I think you made a mistake buying a property without living together first. Silly mistake but own it.

Hi Op i am so sorry you are in this situation. Did you live together before buying the house? How many days/nights did you send together. If he is not making the effort with your daughter then you will have to cut your losses.

It's been a month, and if your partner has no children of his own, suddenly having a 3 year old living full-time with him, is going to take a little getting used too. You're used to it just being you and your daughter, you're now having to learn to live with someone else too. It's a learning curve for all involved. Your partner does need to understand that your daughter is 3, she's a young child, who is not going to behaviour as an adult would! Her thinking is not the same as an adult, because she's 3! So he's going to have to adapt and start to understand that a child needs consistency. To you this is obvious. He has no clue, and he is going to need to learn. Visiting you and your daughter, whilst you were dating, is not the same as living together. He probably had little idea, what was involved. Personally, I would give this a bit longer but you both need a long, honest conversation. He needs to understand that your daughter needs to feel welcome in her own home, if he's had a shitty day, doesn't feel like playing with her, then sorry it's tough, that's what having a little one means, you have to sacrifice your time for them. If he can't see that or isn't willing to participate in your life with your daughter, then you are with the wrong man.

Ime leave tomorrow... I stayed too long with such a man. . The resentment will kill your relationship with him anyway... Before you invest more cash and emotions get rid op. In a few months your dd will have forgotten all about him.

The house isn’t as important as your daughter.

imagine how damaging it must be for her to have the adult she is living with acting like she doesn’t exist.

Sorry OP, can you describe in a bit more detail what he actually does?

Because as you say, he's not a parent, and if he's actively positive with her sometimes, I'm not totally clear that it's bad for him to be disengaged at other times, assuming to us are there, being the parent?

By ignoring her, do you mean he's simply getting on with his own stuff, while she is getting on with her own stuff with you? If so, I think that's ok? Or do you mean she's running up and asking him for things or talking to him and he's blanking her? This obviously not ok.

Yes but not even saying hi to the child, whose been away for the whole weekend? it does not look like its going well at all.

They made a big mistake buying without living together first.

The child first always.

This is really sad. It's a form of abuse and can damage her developing sense of her worth.

If this was happening at her dad's house, it was her dad who had a partner who ignored your daughter, what would you want him to do?

If you feel on eggshells how do you think your DD must feel having an unpredictable adult living in her home with her?

It is emotionally abusive to ignore a child, doubly so when he's inconsistent in his treatment of her,

I think you have no real option but to prioritise her emotional needs and move out. How would you justify to her as an adult why you allowed her to be treated that way in her own home throughout her childhood?

A decent man does not behave like this OP, your daughter will be damaged for life you allow this to continue.

Not to kick you when you're down but never ever sacrifice your security for a man when you have a child. I cannot believe that you decided to buy a house to live with him for the first time! Did you not consider renting first?

I guess he has used you to get the mortgage he couldn't get / afford on his own ?
Now he has the house he can show his true colours.

YOU need to find a new rental, and tell your former landlord that if his new tenants move out in 6 months etc that you would like to rent it again.

and in the meantime do not get pregnant !!!

You'll have to move out. You've paid nothing towards the house so won't lose out. He'll have to apply to remortgage in his name only so you aren't still liable for 50%. Is he likely to be approved for that amount, or will he have to sell?

There's no chance of getting your old place back? I'd ask anyway.

@financialcareerstuff for example tonight, he was in the kitchen prepping our tea. DD came home, he didn’t say a word to her (she came in via the kitchen door). She then went to show him a dolly that had a plaster, he said ‘wow’ then walked off. I’m in another room just now, he’s still in the kitchen. She’s tired and bumped her knee on the sofa so she’s crying and I’m cuddling her, and I’ve just heard him slam the kitchen door. She’ll try and show him things or speak to him and he’ll either give her a one word answer and walk off, or say nothing… unless he’s in a good mood and he’ll actually sit down and show her things and speak to her, until he starts to wind her up and she gets grumpy and then I have to step in. I just find it all so fucking exhausting. :(

How do you think your daughter feels??

I don’t even know where I’d stand legally. We were supposed to have a minute of agreement which stated he’d get his deposit back and legal fees if anything happened, but he hasn’t signed his copy of it so it hasn’t been filed yet…

He wouldn’t be approved for the mortgage alone so we’d have to sell. I have no spare cash for any legal fees incurred by doing that… :(