Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

Well done. Would it be possible to extend your stay with the parents til you can move in?

Could they come to you and be there when you tell him?

I think that’s difficult because the parents live an hour away and Op need to access nursery and work.

Thanks all. I can’t really stay at my parents til the rental starts as my DD has only just settled at nursery here, I don’t want to disrupt that. I WFH which helps. The rental is in the same town as we are now, so ideal really.

I’ve been trying to act normal with him but he must have picked up on it as he kept asking if I was OK when we went to bed. Eventually he said he’s really upset with how things are with us, he’s really sorry and he should never have acted how he did with DD. Won’t ever happen again, doesn’t want to lose us. I was honest and said I’m struggling to shake off how he’s acted, I do think he’s genuinely sorry but I’m not sure it’s enough and I can’t pretend like everything’s fine. I also said how it’s taken 4 conversations asking him the same thing plus the threat of me leaving for me to see any change in him whatsoever.

He did seem genuinely upset which was hard, he’s slept downstairs. Hopefully he’ll understand when it does come to me telling him I’m leaving.

I am sure hebis genuinely upset. But that's not relevant. What's relevant is how he acts and behaves and so far he hasn't done anything to make you think he's actually taken anybody your concerns on board. It will be interesting to see how he behave over the next few days... sad and mopey and "I am the victim" or practice, determined and committed to being better.

Has he booked a driving test yet?!

Really proud of you OP, really proud.

It is really sad and hard.
He has had a step parent, so he will understand that you aren't going to inflict a bad step parent relationship on your DD... Even if that understanding is painful.

You can show each other compassion through the process of separating your finances. I don't think either of you intended or wanted to create this situation.

It is regrettable that he couldn't deliver the image he must have held in his mind when he pictured you three as a family. He mustn't have the character for it and now you both know that.

Humans are messy imperfect creatures and ultimately we can all agree no child should suffer advisable for that, hence the change of direction. It is hard and sad.

The difficulty here is that he knew he was being horrible to an innocent 3 year old and despite repeated conversations he didn't "change" until he realised it would impact on him because you actually DO have choices.

I've no doubt he might be sad but given the way he previously acted (I mean how hard is it to acknowledge someone - it's basic courtesy) despite your prior conversations begs the question of how long he can keep this mask up/on for. I suspect he will inevitably revert to how he was before once he feels secure again. Your daughter deserved better than that.

@mummytrex thats exactly how I feel, and exactly what I said to him last night. It shouldn’t have taken things to get to that point for him to change, and it makes me wary that it’s not genuine. I really need to broach what we do with the house next but I don’t think he realises I’m at that point.

yes. And, even more so, if he has now finally realised, what is list of 10 proactive things he's going to do to improve things....!?

I agree.
I worry that OP is going to stay for 6 more weeks. I’m not sure that’s going to be possible.

Once he senses it’s over, and OP is rejecting him, and he already is feeling it, he could start being very resentful and nasty. If he realises he’s going to be on his own again and financially worse off, I can’t see him keeping up being nice to DD for very long. And he seems like the kind of man who will start to blame DD for the breakdown.

With OP not really knowing this man I think it would be better to leave as soon as possible. All issues like nursery places etc are really just not an important as removing DD from this situation.

I guess OP has a few weeks of watching him like a hawk and treading on eggshells. But I think she should be ready to leave as soon as she tells him as he has no incentive to be nice to either of them then.

Excellent post from@mummytrex and this is key.

People only change themselves through self interest.

The penny has dropped he may have fxxked himself over, hence his sadness.

He wasn't sad for a little 3 year old that he thought he could treat unkindly.

OP, this IS who he is unfortunately.
Unless it suits YOU to share the house as a non couple for a while, continue to make your plans.

HE has fxxked up by behaving badly towards a child and thinking you would tolerate it.
Your parents noticed which is huge.
HE fxxked up, not you.
You will learn from this as we all do in life.
I am so sorry it has come to this but telling him the relationship is over because of HIS behaviour is reasonable.

You are not responsible for his choices and his behaviour, he is.
Remember that.

Well sed 👆
Well done op your handling of this is great, honest, to the point, you should be proud you've set the bar and he's struggling, his loss ( never come between and mother and her children) well done you, stay true, he's f@@ked up and knows it, stay strong 💪

The penny has dropped he may have fxxked himself over, hence his sadness.
He wasn't sad for a little 3 year old that he thought he could treat unkindly.

You are doing the right thing and it is huge that your parents noticed as well.

People should not need to be repeatedly told to be kind and welcoming to a 3 year old. They should instinctively know this and act appropriately.

His behaviour can't be unseen, it can't be rewound to start again because all of it happened. None of it should have happened. It also continued even with you pointing out that he needed to behave differently.

This has shown you the type of person he is and sadly it's not a person that you want to be living with alongside your young child.

Sometimes things just aren't right and people plod on burying their head in the sands, but you are being brave and absolutely right in recognising that it just isn't going to work out and your feelings for him have been eroded with his unacceptable behaviour.

He has shown you that he can behave completely unacceptably towards your daughter and continue to do so over a period of time. Good kind people would not have done this. It would be far too much of a worry that he slips back again.

There are loads of threads on this forum about step parents finding it hard and resenting SC. Sadly he has demonstrated that this set up isn't for him.

But well done in all the action that you have taken. It's going to be a bumpy ride to get out the other side but you will.

But equally... OP may be right to get her ducks in a row and move out at fairly short notice (whilst being aware of her mortgage commitment) if she needs to stay there until the rental is free in Jan. She knows the guy best re his reaction.

Can you afford to cover half the mortgage and the rent of your new place?

He could rent a room out to help cover it while he waits to sell.

Your first post was only ten days ago. Look at how brave you are and getting your daughter out of that so quick.

You are some woman op. Fair play to ya hugs from Dublin xxx

@fruitbrewhaha no, I can’t afford both. He could afford to cover it short term til we sell and I wouldn’t want anything from the sale so I’m hoping he agrees to that.

Landlord wants to speak to me in the morning, I think if may be to discuss an earlier entry date as I know the current tenants move out this week.

OP he can get 1 or 2 lodgers in to help with the costs of the mortgage, assuming you have a 2 or 3 bed house? If he already has 2 other properties he has assets he can borrow against in the short term to tide him over should he need to. Once your minimum mortgage period is up take steps to get yourself off the mortgage or draw up a legally binding agreement with him that allows a business arrangement between the 2 of you so some capital can accrue in the house for both of you to at least cover your respective exit costs. He may even be quids in with 2 paying lodgers.

His behaviour is typical of a bully. They pull you in to get you where they want you and then treat you badly - repeat. This will go on as long as anyone (victim) allows. Exactly what he’d done to you daughter and she’s already under his spell - which you’ve sussed.The inconsistency makes you walk on egg shells and intermittently fuels hope and feeds the dream. His sadness is part of the pattern as he will now play the ‘victim’ - you can see this and already have done, brave and strong enough to admit it and face it both to him and others AND quickly act on it. Your daughter cannot do this for herself and there is no doubt whatsoever from my perspective reading your posts that you are 💯 doing the right thing. We all make mistakes but not everyone can admit or rectify them. Hats off to you. More than impressed here.

You're an amazing lady op.
What you're doing takes emotional courage, integrity of intent and insight. 💪

Thanks for the kind words, they’re really helping. I have form for making hasty decisions (clearly!) but something in my gut is telling me I’m doing the right thing getting out. I went to a Christmas market last night with DD, he was home when we got back and seemed annoyed that I hadn’t told him we were going out or that he’d have to sort his own tea out…

Looks like I can now get into the rental property before Christmas which is a massive relief as I feel like I can’t settle or get into any sort of Christmas spirit whilst I’m here! I’ll need to tell him tonight so he can make arrangements.

Ah, glad the timeline is moving up

Good luck. And well done, fantastic work.

I think this is fate helping you make the move out of there quicker. Please keep yourself and your daughter safe whilst telling him. Is there someone you can ask to be there with you?