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Original poster

Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

1000 replies

haveimadeamistake · 24/11/2024 17:30

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Original poster
haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 13:30

also, my best friend is a solicitor but she has to be wary in ‘officially’ giving me advice as a solicitor rather than as a friend if that makes sense, so I’m trying not to burden her too much! If I do need official advice, I think I’d need to engage her formally.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 04/12/2024 13:36

If you haven’t got it surely he can’t insist you pay it?

maybe he could get a couple of lodgers and the bank might give him the mortgage on his own?

Catoo · 04/12/2024 13:38

That’s a nasty amount of ERC.

Will it drop after a year? How many more months before you get to a year?

Maybe he will decide to pay up to a year to reduce the ERC. He won’t want to pay it either.

TBH nothing is going to sell now until the new year and it takes about 3 months for sales to all go through, so that’s taking you even closer to the year mark….

Original poster
haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 13:43

He might be able to port the mortgage to a smaller property on his own and pay a lesser ERC charge on the portion that hasn’t been ported. I guess I just need to wait and see what he wants to do with it but hopefully there’s options.

OP posts:
Original poster
haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 13:44

We bought in October, but it only goes down by about 2 grand for the following year so it would still be 11k! It’s all there in the small print but I really didn’t think it would come to this so I didn’t take much notice of it. :(

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 04/12/2024 14:10

Jeez. He's going to lose £13k or a house from this.

In saying that, he has to agree for you to transfer your equity to him. If he refuses because he can't afford the mortgage on his own you might have to go to court to force the sale of the house.

What an expensive lesson for you both 😱Don't buy a home with someone without having lived with them first.

Dweetfidilove · 04/12/2024 14:26

@haveimadeamistake you are an amazingly decisive woman, with a supportive network and I'm sure your daughter will do well with a mama and family like you/yours.

I'm sure there will be tough times ahead as you untangle the financial commitment, but protecting your daughter is absolutely worth it. To think your family noticed as well - he wouldn't have been a safe adult for her at all☹️.

Again, well done to you and wishing you strength in the days ahead 💐!

Original poster
haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 14:26

@HollyKnight he’d lose 13k and the house. He can keep the house and the 13k if he can afford to take over the mortgage…

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/12/2024 14:31

He has choices / options.

He can give notice to his tenants in his other property ( if indeed he has tenants in it ) and then sell it

He can have a lodger, as we know there are at least 2 bedrooms - the money a lodger would bring in would cover the other 50% of the monthly mortgage payment ?

HollyKnight · 04/12/2024 14:41

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 14:26

@HollyKnight he’d lose 13k and the house. He can keep the house and the 13k if he can afford to take over the mortgage…

You said he wouldn't be approved for the mortgage on his income alone. That means he can't take over the mortgage. Even if he agreed to allow you to transfer your equity to him, the bank won't allow it because he won't be approved for the mortgage. Plus there are fees involved in doing all that. If you're lucky he'll agree to sell and lose £13k. But if he's difficult/stubborn he might not and you'll have to force the sale. That will cost you.

SheilaFentiman · 04/12/2024 14:44

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/12/2024 14:31

He has choices / options.

He can give notice to his tenants in his other property ( if indeed he has tenants in it ) and then sell it

He can have a lodger, as we know there are at least 2 bedrooms - the money a lodger would bring in would cover the other 50% of the monthly mortgage payment ?

But I don’t think the bank offers mortgages on the assumption that there will be a lodger, so they may still make it difficult for OP to come off the mortgage.

sterli2323 · 04/12/2024 14:44

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/12/2024 14:31

He has choices / options.

He can give notice to his tenants in his other property ( if indeed he has tenants in it ) and then sell it

He can have a lodger, as we know there are at least 2 bedrooms - the money a lodger would bring in would cover the other 50% of the monthly mortgage payment ?

Yes he has choices - but this is a jointly owned property and its not his problem to solve alone - maybe he doesn't want to live with lodgers? Its a financial mess for both of them but OP will have to take some responsibility for half of the losses.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/12/2024 14:47

@sterli2323

sadly it appears he didn't actually want to live with a 3 year old child either.

SheilaFentiman · 04/12/2024 14:49

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/12/2024 14:47

@sterli2323

sadly it appears he didn't actually want to live with a 3 year old child either.

True, but makes no difference to the financials and legalities.

Original poster
haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 14:53

@HollyKnight he couldn’t without selling his other property, but he does have options.

OP posts:
Omgblueskys · 04/12/2024 14:54

Op hopefully it will take months to sell it anyway if he decides to sell, you'll be well settled in you new home and better head space by then,

SheilaFentiman · 04/12/2024 14:59

Omgblueskys · 04/12/2024 14:54

Op hopefully it will take months to sell it anyway if he decides to sell, you'll be well settled in you new home and better head space by then,

Double edged sword - for all the months it takes to sell it, OP is still on the hook for the mortgage.

There will have to be à negotiation and agreement between them and they will probably both end up out of pocket.

ButtonMoonLoon · 04/12/2024 14:59

Goodness, what a mess!

Have you organised your finances to ensure you can pay our half of the mortgage as well as your rent on your new property?
Before you speak to him, make sure you have a plan for that.

Original poster
haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 15:14

I can’t afford to continue to pay half the mortgage as well as rent, but my proposition is that I don’t want any equity when it does sell and he will have sole use of the house. He can chase me for it if he wants but I have no means of paying it…

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 04/12/2024 15:16

SheilaFentiman · 04/12/2024 14:59

Double edged sword - for all the months it takes to sell it, OP is still on the hook for the mortgage.

There will have to be à negotiation and agreement between them and they will probably both end up out of pocket.

Show quote history

Yep. She is still liable for the mortgage and even when they come to sell there will be estate agent fees and reports involved. He would need to be an extremely kind and giving person to take on all those costs himself. If not, then OP will have to pay up.

Buying a house with someone is a huge financial commitment. It's not easy to get out of that contract without having to pay a price.

HollyKnight · 04/12/2024 15:18

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 14:53

@HollyKnight he couldn’t without selling his other property, but he does have options.

Right. So like I said, he will lose either £13k or a house. Do you think he will be ok about that? Or will he say no?

kittybiscuits · 04/12/2024 15:19

Keep your powder dry, OP, regarding not wanting any of the equity and do take proper legal advice. If I remember correctly, he paid the deposit and didn't protect this legally. Say nothing about this. This is your bargaining tool. He also has another asset and you have no assets. It's in his best interest to get you off the mortgage, whether by remortgaging or selling up. And by the way, you are amazing 👏🏽

Original poster
haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 15:20

@HollyKnight I don't really care at this point. If he defaults on the mortgage, I have no plans of getting another mortgage or any credit any time soon but I doubt he’d want that black mark on his credit score. He has more to lose here so I doubt he’s going to be a dick about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 15:22

@kittybiscuits thank you, you’re correct. He hasn’t signed it so as it stands, I’m entitled to 50% of the equity minus the fees etc. I don’t want the equity because he paid it and it’s not fair, but at the same time I want out with as little hassle as possible.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 04/12/2024 15:28

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 15:22

@kittybiscuits thank you, you’re correct. He hasn’t signed it so as it stands, I’m entitled to 50% of the equity minus the fees etc. I don’t want the equity because he paid it and it’s not fair, but at the same time I want out with as little hassle as possible.

So keep your powder dry on that subject. You could talk to NSPCC for advice - I know your decision, quite rightly, is already made. NSPCC will advise these are red flags and you must protect your child (which you are doing). Your legal advice needs to be based on the fact that you cannot continue in a relationship with him as you have to protect your daughter. Hopefully the penny will drop for him that he either finds a way to get you off the mortgage, in which case you will forgo your legal share of the equity, or you will incur legal costs and will have to claim your share of the equity. It's important to keep sight of the fact that this situation was entirely caused by HIS behaviour.

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