Page 36 | Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

haveimadeamistake · 2024-11-24T17:30:14+00:00

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home… Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this. I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house… I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

VivaDixie · 04/12/2024 09:42

I'm lurking on this thread but just wanted to say well done OP

Hold your nerve, move out and start a new calmer life with DD

She won't know it yet but you are setting a very important example to her for her future relationships xx

Original poster

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 09:42

@Bachboo there isn’t really. I might try and wait til the weekend to tell him as DD is at her dad’s Friday til Sunday, so I could tell him whilst she’s away and hope that he offers to go and stay with family til my rental starts. I’m just really struggling now to act like everything is fine, he’s picking up on it.

OP posts:

SheilaFentiman · 04/12/2024 09:44

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 09:42

@Bachboo there isn’t really. I might try and wait til the weekend to tell him as DD is at her dad’s Friday til Sunday, so I could tell him whilst she’s away and hope that he offers to go and stay with family til my rental starts. I’m just really struggling now to act like everything is fine, he’s picking up on it.

Yes, telling him when DD isn't there is a good idea. When can you get into the rental (ignore if too identifying)?

Cornecopia · 04/12/2024 09:45

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 09:22

Thanks for the kind words, they’re really helping. I have form for making hasty decisions (clearly!) but something in my gut is telling me I’m doing the right thing getting out. I went to a Christmas market last night with DD, he was home when we got back and seemed annoyed that I hadn’t told him we were going out or that he’d have to sort his own tea out…

Looks like I can now get into the rental property before Christmas which is a massive relief as I feel like I can’t settle or get into any sort of Christmas spirit whilst I’m here! I’ll need to tell him tonight so he can make arrangements.

You’re doing great. Fab news about moving sooner!
just picture you and dd cosy in your new home, Xmas tree up and stress free xx

Bachboo · 04/12/2024 09:51

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 09:42

@Bachboo there isn’t really. I might try and wait til the weekend to tell him as DD is at her dad’s Friday til Sunday, so I could tell him whilst she’s away and hope that he offers to go and stay with family til my rental starts. I’m just really struggling now to act like everything is fine, he’s picking up on it.

What about telling him in a public place? I don’t want to worry you unnecessarily but I want to you to make yourself safe. Can your parents come down?

Omgblueskys · 04/12/2024 09:59

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 09:22

Thanks for the kind words, they’re really helping. I have form for making hasty decisions (clearly!) but something in my gut is telling me I’m doing the right thing getting out. I went to a Christmas market last night with DD, he was home when we got back and seemed annoyed that I hadn’t told him we were going out or that he’d have to sort his own tea out…

Looks like I can now get into the rental property before Christmas which is a massive relief as I feel like I can’t settle or get into any sort of Christmas spirit whilst I’m here! I’ll need to tell him tonight so he can make arrangements.

Great news op, moving date earlier, yes keep listening to your gut,
So lovely Christmas market time with daughter and big baby at home sulking, wow, couldn't txt you asking were you are and to have a great time see you later, that should of been his response, not sulking because he had to do his own dinner, really likes ' pissing on your parade ' doesn't he, again really showing you who he is,
You stay strong, what a magical Xmas you will have , no eggshells, no second guessing, should be so proud of yourself x

Original poster

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 10:01

I think he’ll be okay but I’ll make sure my parents and friend know that I’m telling him this weekend.

It does feel a little like fate. Rentals in this wee town are soooo hard to come by, especially given it’s a 3 bedroom (so I can still have an office for WFH!) and the rent isn’t astronomical in comparison to anything else that’s available. So I do feel really lucky that I’ve managed to find this at the right time really. There’s no garden for DD but plenty of play parks and we’re by the beach so it’ll be fine!

OP posts:

Bachboo · 04/12/2024 10:09

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 10:01

I think he’ll be okay but I’ll make sure my parents and friend know that I’m telling him this weekend.

It does feel a little like fate. Rentals in this wee town are soooo hard to come by, especially given it’s a 3 bedroom (so I can still have an office for WFH!) and the rent isn’t astronomical in comparison to anything else that’s available. So I do feel really lucky that I’ve managed to find this at the right time really. There’s no garden for DD but plenty of play parks and we’re by the beach so it’ll be fine!

Your new home sounds fantastic and I’m sure both you and your DD will be very happy there. Do not give your soon to be ex your new address. I just want you and your DD to be safe. Please keep us updated. And also I’m very proud of you

Crikeyalmighty · 04/12/2024 10:48

@haveimadeamistake we've all done things ( well most of us apart from the eternally perfect) that didn't work out - hindsight of course is an amazing thing- I don't think this guy was mentally prepared for a family situation - in theory he liked the idea in practice not so much - it happens

Catoo · 04/12/2024 11:21

Good news OP.
I would tell him only when you have the key in hand. And maybe even after you have booked a van.

Also agree with PP to have a friend on call or nearby when you tell him.

What a relief it will be!
💐

Raineys · 04/12/2024 11:33

OP, remember to stay on message and do not deviate from it or allow him to confuse you.

HIS unkindness towards your child ended the relationship.

That's it.
Not complicated.

His unkindness towards a small 3 year old ended the relationship.

Thats what you tell him, and that is what you tell everyone.

He was one thing until you moved in and behaved unkindly towards your child, so it was over.

You are a good mother and your child comes first.

This is all on him.
He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself and his deception that he was a good kind man.

Only scum could be unkind to a child.
Feel no shame, you ended things.
Be very very proud of yourself.

If you were my daughter I would be bursting with pride for you.

Fannyfiggs · 04/12/2024 12:05

You have been so very brave and determined. I take my hat off to you ❤️

DowntonNabby · 04/12/2024 12:16

I don't think you can ever be too hasty when it comes to putting your child first.

You're doing the right thing, OP. Hope telling him tonight goes okay.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/12/2024 12:27

Just seen the update that it appears you can move in before Christmas - that is brilliant !!!

Have you thought about what you are going to say to your daughter about moving out of the joint house into the new rental ? as I guess she may be puzzled/confused as to moving from a home with you into the shared home with him and now into another place but without him.
As I guess you will have to say/explain something to her.
and yes I know it's none of my business !

I was at a Christmas market last night too with my dd tho mine is an adult :) and we are not far from a beach either but down here you would have found it harder to find somewhere so quickly I think.

I am so proud of you, you took action really quickly when you realised there was an issue, reading so many threads on MN several mums would have just let the situation continue.
( does that sound patronising - it's not mean to be )

Original poster

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 12:29

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon thank you. I haven’t told her anything yet, so I need to think about how to do that when the time comes. She loves this house and her room but I know she’s little and resilient and will be just as excited about her new house.

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Original poster

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 12:31

I’m panicking a bit about the legal side of things, I can’t seem to get a solid answer online. I’m worried I may be liable for early repayment charges and fees if the house is sold. But I have zero equity in the house so surely the fees will come out of that before xDP can take the net proceeds. My mum is concerned that he may take legal action against me but I don’t really have anything to lose, he knows I don’t have any spare cash…

OP posts:

AlertCat · 04/12/2024 12:35

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 12:31

I’m panicking a bit about the legal side of things, I can’t seem to get a solid answer online. I’m worried I may be liable for early repayment charges and fees if the house is sold. But I have zero equity in the house so surely the fees will come out of that before xDP can take the net proceeds. My mum is concerned that he may take legal action against me but I don’t really have anything to lose, he knows I don’t have any spare cash…

Rightsofwomen.org.uk

SheilaFentiman · 04/12/2024 12:45

On paper, though, you own half the house and you are on a joint mortgage. So if it is sold, then the bulk will go to the bank to settle the mortgage and any left over after fees and stamp duty would theoretically be equally split.

Given that the sale may be within a few months of purchase, the “leftovers” are unlikely to total the amount of deposit paid by STBXP. It seems like you never put down on paper what would happen about that. He may ask you to cover half of any shortfall, but I don’t think he can make you do so (and equally, you could theoretically claim half of it, but I doubt you would as he put the whole lot down)

IANAL so worth checking with your solicitor friend.

Scarydinosaurs · 04/12/2024 12:48

What a great update! You’re going to be so happy going back to just the two of you. It will be exactly how it should be 🥰

NippyCrab · 04/12/2024 13:00

@haveimadeamistake you've a guardian angel watching over you and you've also had a lucky escape by the sounds of this latest update! I hope everything goes smoothly and you have a lot of luck and happiness in your future with DD and your new home. 💗

Tatiepot · 04/12/2024 13:10

Well done love, you are doing great - fab news re the new place and try not to worry about the mortgage side of things, it'll get sorted, it's "only" money (not being sarcastic, I'm also a single mum on low income) and the most important thing is that you and DD will soon have your own safe and happy place to live.

Raineys · 04/12/2024 13:14

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 12:31

I’m panicking a bit about the legal side of things, I can’t seem to get a solid answer online. I’m worried I may be liable for early repayment charges and fees if the house is sold. But I have zero equity in the house so surely the fees will come out of that before xDP can take the net proceeds. My mum is concerned that he may take legal action against me but I don’t really have anything to lose, he knows I don’t have any spare cash…

That is why you need to be very clear that you are leaving the relationship because of your child and his unkindness towards your child.

You are leaving due to your childrens safety.

Crikeyalmighty · 04/12/2024 13:21

@haveimadeamistake the other factor is he may want to keep the house anyway and maybe sell his other place?

Catoo · 04/12/2024 13:21

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 12:31

I’m panicking a bit about the legal side of things, I can’t seem to get a solid answer online. I’m worried I may be liable for early repayment charges and fees if the house is sold. But I have zero equity in the house so surely the fees will come out of that before xDP can take the net proceeds. My mum is concerned that he may take legal action against me but I don’t really have anything to lose, he knows I don’t have any spare cash…

ERC should be on your contract somewhere. I think usually between 1 and 5% of the mortgage.

As I understand it you are equally liable for this so even though he might be angry and suggest you should pay it all, not sure the law is on his side there.

What fees are you referring to? Estate agent and solicitor? I expect he will say you should pay them but again I think going halves is reasonable.

He may even keep the house and get lodgers etc. I guess cross all the bridges when you come to them. Could your parents give you an interest free loan to cover these things ?

Have you spoken with a solicitor yourself at all? Probably all happening a bit too fast for that! But I would do that so you know what’s coming in terms of costs etc.

It will all work out, one step at a time.
💐

Original poster

haveimadeamistake · 04/12/2024 13:29

True, I should really wait and see what he wants to do with the house before I jump the gun and assume it’s being sold. It would be easier if he did keep it, but I want my name off the mortgage so I can cut ties and I don’t think he’ll be able to do that easily on his income. He’d need to sell his other property. I also hate the thought of him still being in this town if that makes sense! It’s a really small place, he can’t drive and it would make much more sense for him to move back to the city… but we’ll see what happens. The ERC is almost 13 grand during the first year, I just don’t have access to even half of that kind of money.

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