Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

I don’t know if I just need to give it more time… I don’t want to make any rash decisions. :(

Yes you've made a mistake, your gut knows and you need to get a plan in place and get you and your daughter out of there.

How long were you together before you moved in?

Does your DD have contact with her father?

A month should be the honeymoon period, if he is treating your poor DD like this now, imagine how much worse it could get. It's not going to get any better if he is already blaming a 3 year old for his shitty treatment of her. She absolutely does not deservea minute of this and living with someone who blatantly does not want her around will be hugely damaging to her as she gets older.

Please put her first and cut your losses now before he causes her anymore emotional harm.

When you say 'we' bought, is that a loose 'we' as in his name only on the mortgage? Do you work and pay towards the mortgage?

Women who can't afford to run a house on their own income alone are doomed to live with shitty men.

@Opentooffers we’re both on the title deeds and pay 50/50 on the mortgage payments, but he paid the deposit and fees.

When you live with someone and see them all the time, you find out who they really are. That's who he is - he's showing you. Moody, petty and self-centred. Good that you've had conversations about it so he can't claim he's surprised when you tell him to F off. How he could behave like that with an innocent child - just pathetic and petty. Noone should live feeling like they're walking on eggshells at home - home is supposed to be our safe place but he's ruining that sense of safety for you and your daughter. He's not a keeper I'm afraid. Don't ignore your instincts in order to protect him - your duty is to yourself and your daughter.

The shitty bit is that my daughter has been at her dad’s all weekend, she got dropped off an hour ago and he hasn’t even said hello to her… I can understand a little when she’s been here all weekend, she’s hard going when you’re not used to kids, and I can understand him needing a break. But when she hasn’t even been here all weekend, I just can’t wrap my head around ignoring her…

You want him to treat her like he loves her, likes her, even though you don't want him to parent her. Yet it's impossible to do this unless he does treat her like his child. She's three. She won't understand hot and cold. He has to be all in or nothing.

I moved in with my partner, my kids and there kids. Worst thing I ever did. They made no effort with my children, saw them as a nuisance and i would also hear things like “well they don’t talk to me” too.
im now classed as homeless and living in temporary accommodation until I find some as the house was in there name. But my children are happy, no longer feel like I’m walking on egg shells or them picking on my children etc. is it crap right now? Yes it is, but I know it’ll be worth it in the long run. I also vow not to let anyone else near my children until we have been together a long time

Please end the relationship. You and your daughter deserve much better.

I feel so embarrassed. The house is beautiful and I’ll end up having to try and find a council house if we do split. I had a lovely little privately rented house before I moved in with him. The rent was dirt cheap as I knew the landlord, we had a little private garden and it suited us perfectly. I think I got swept up in the excitement of finally buying a home, and an absolute dream home at that, and now reality is setting in and I feel like such an idiot.

@JawsCushion id rather he was all in! I just mean I’m not putting pressure on him to be her parent, she has me and her dad for that.

You're going to have to cut your losses here, he's a dud. He's showing you the real him, and he's not a keeper. Leave him. Forget the financial entanglement, that's easily sorted. Your daughter is the most important person here.

Yep go with ur gut, better for her to have a loving environment all the time than the big house x

I think I've already seen this true crime podcast.....

Op move out.

He's a cruel loser of a man taking his insecurities out on a child.

Oh and yes it does sound like the beginning of a true crime podcast.

Hmmm, am I right in guessing that he needed you in order to be able to buy the house?

They're not though. People make mistakes along the way. And a mistake like living with the wrong person who makes life a misery can and should be undone, however awkward the practicalities.

How long since you gave up the tenancy? Has anyone else moved in or could you get it back if you spoke to the landlord?

Cut your losses now and put your daughter first because her emotional welfare and yours is far more important than a house in nice surroundings. He’s no decent example of a stepfather figure to her and likely sees her as a nuisance.

If you were a good tenant before can you contact your previous landlord?.

We've all done stupid things before and we'll all do stupid things again. You can fix it. Get moved out.

But she's three! He can't be her friend. He has to be a caring adult.

Stop focussing on the beautiful house. It's an ugly home if your daughter isn't happy there. See if you can get your previous rental back.

On the days that he does interact with her, he’s lovely. But I just don’t know which day I’m going to get!

my old property has been rented out already. :(

You bought a house together before trialling living together?

How long have you been together?

Your poor DD. Please put her first. She won't care how beautiful the house is if your partner won't even talk to her when she's in it.