Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

You didn't actually make a mistake, you made a reasonable decision based on what you knew at the time. Now you have more information and it would be unwise not to act on it. Time for a really honest conversation, maybe he's regretting it too. Tell him your bottom lines, and that you are seriously thinking about moving out. Work out how to move forward.

Sounds Ike he fancied someone to help him buy a house. I think I'd be telling him that it isn't working and to put the house on the market or remortgage. Or whatever it is you have to do. I wouldn't leave while the mortgage is in both your names. Practical shit now, this one isn't long term.

That's horrific.

Any adult needs to take the lead in building a healthy trusting relationship.

She's THREE and he's justifying his shitty behaviour with, but she ignores me. 🤯🤯🤯🤯

So in his head SHE'S responsible for managing his treatment of her.

Ok so it's an adjustment to living with a young child. No shit Sherlock. But it's his job to manage his emotions about that without being crappy to his new housemate who happens to be barely more than a toddler!!!

If this little girl was six foot three, built like a brick shit house would be be treating her like this... Course he fucking wouldn't, he'd find some bloody manners. Spineless child that he is is acting out and being a utter cunt to this gorgeous little thing who does not deserve to grow up feeling as welcome as a fart in a lift in her own home.

I honestly feel like he regrets it too! When we’ve had this conversation previously, he just goes quiet and says it isn’t what he expected and that he isn’t happy. There’s no ‘I love you, I just need time to adjust, I want to make this work’ - it’s just silence. I need the communication and reassurance that he wants to fix things and I just never get that.

This is black and white OP. You need to get your daughter away from him.

He resents your DD.

You need to get out and get your DD out.

ASAP.

Op how long have you been together? This isn't a judgement, just it's useful to understand how much time they've actually known each other.

How stressful for you.

I'd get out ASAP. This won't get better and will probably get much worse.

You and your daughter deserve much better.

Use this as a reason for you both to admit it’s been a mistake. Maybe he could get a lodger in when you move out.

Stop with all the ...... self serving nonsense.

This was a big mistake. You need to put your child to bed and sit down and talk. Tell him you don't feel he is happy with the reality of a three year old and you understand. Ask him what he wants to do about it. All calm and reasonable as you need things to be safe for your daughter. No shouting, arguing, violence. Pretend you are being considerate of him. All t9 keep you both safe.

Start a thread to ask for practical help if necessary as this might just be pages of people telling you to leave after only reading the first post.

It's not working and you need to make an alternative plan asap.

It's a house. Bricks and mortar. Versus your child's well being.

If it's put like that does it make it clearer. I get that it may be easier for us to see as outsiders to the situation.

At least he should cooperate with taking the necessary steps then.

Sorry you're going through this op, it sucks. But at least you've realised quickly and though she loves her new nursery, she'd probably love growing up with her self esteem intact more.

I'm glad you are willing to put her first op. Many mothers haven't done that and the damage is writ large in many a thread on here.

Good luck.

I'd have an honest conversation and say it's not working and you've made a mistake. You need to work together to come to a resolution. I wouldn't make a big thing of him interacting with her but I would definitely protect her from him and try to limit contact.

He will only get worse & your DD deserves better. This is the real him.

The nice him is the one he uses to catch someone. It's a smoke screen.

The longer you leave it the worse it will get.

Living in a palace but being abused [he is emotionally abusing her] is 100% worse than living in a tiny house with love.

Remember the years up to 7 are the most formative for your DD.

It sounds like he might pull the plug even if you don't OP.

Anyone who can't be nice to a three-year-old has had an empathy bypass or has bigger issues than you can expect your daughter to deal with.
Did he think she would just sit in the corner like a canary?!

I don't think you have any choice here. I'm sorry he's turned out to be such a total dud, you and DD deserve better.

Trust your gut on this op it won't improve and I think you know this

You've got to get her out of this.

Please make plans to leave. I grew up with my mother's husband going through periods of ignoring me for whatever slight I may have done. I spent years trying to get his approval. I Wanted my mum to be happy and had no self respect. This repeated in my adult relationships. I've been single for 7/8 years now. I have dated but there is no way my children will live with a stranger.

Be strong show your daughter how independent women can be and get your cosy little home together. My kids love what we have. They do not miss their 'difficult' father who I spent years trying to please with no success. I will not let my children repeat this pattern

Hello, I have been in a similar situation. I took my then 8-y/o daughter to move in with my partner quite early into our relationship - 18 months to be precise - as I was pregnant with his child. The first few weeks were fine, but the year that followed was v tough. He initially tried lots of things with her but if she didn’t react exactly the way he’d imagined he would be disappointed. He ended up giving her the silent treatment often, for instance did not acknowledge her in the morning, eat his breakfast without making her any, wouldn’t say good night to her. As a consequence she naturally felt unloved and unwanted and acted out, she was never properly horrible but would moan or bang a door. She had a lot on her plate, new home, step dad, new sibling, new school. At some point my partner called her names, it was completely out of character but I nearly moved out twice, felt exactly like you.

And then, I don’t know, things slowly changed. We had lots of talks - I explained how unreasonable he was, he explained that he was an only child and had no experience with children and had only ever lived alone, found it hard to adjust. I told him he had to take responsibility for her and parent her and make her feel wanted in her own home, or we’d leave. Things really improved when they started doing things without me, eg they would walk to school and have a little chat each morning. Go swimming without me. Started having insider jokes I didn’t understand. It’s still not always perfect, as she’s a moody pre-teen these days and he still finds her annoying sometimes, which in fairness she can be. But we are now very happy and I know he wants the best for her, she loves him and is very happy.

All this is to say - I agree with others your partner’s behaviour is concerning, but patchwork life isn’t easy at all, and it often simply requires lots of work, especially if people are sensitive and have high expectations for their life and relationships.
Talking about it all very openly with your partner is a start and perhaps you could see a therapist together?
Good luck OP!

Obviously this can’t go on.

Speak to him, he may also feel that it has been a mistake. See if you can come to an arrangement. Did you both put money into the house? Can he buy you out? You could move out but still date him.

Does your ex landlord have any other properties for rent? Speak to them even if they don’t they may have contacts that do.

In the meantime when you know he is having one of these days give him as much space as possible. Not ideal but maybe go out with your daughter and if she starts pestering him gently distract her.

Please get your daughter away from that man as soon as possible. If you stay you are setting her up for a lifetime of heartache.

And you aren't going to get it. Men aren't particularly fond of kids at the best of times especially when they're someone else's. He had no idea of the impact a child would make on his previously single life and now he hates it. This is going to make you miserable and ill sooner or later, to say nothing of your daughter. It's such a pity you didn't do a trial run beforehand in your rented house.

Read Dexter77s post two above this one

There will be a period of adjustment for him and you. It would help if you remembered that he is not used to living with a child and he is not her parent, and you should be there for her 24/7, and he joins the pair of you when he wishes and can sit alone when he wishes. I don't want someone else 3 year old using me for entertainment, why should he. You need to be there like you were before for her; she talks at you, shows you, etc. You be active with her, do activities, go out. Don't expect to move in together and let her wander around yakking at him all day

Honestly, I would be telling my own kids off if they left me with theirs doing this, never mind my partner's kids doing this.

He is entitled to peace in his home, and you manage the situation, so it is a gradual change for him and her. At present, you sound like she has a reign of the home, and you expect him to engage.

It would be best if you were a more present parent.
(sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear)

Alternative perspective:

My children are grown up. They are old enough to have children of their own now.

When you become a parent most people go through a transition. They realise that they need to look after the child they have, and they develop an attachment and a relationship. Some don't - and some leave and some struggle.

Three is, to be blunt, a fairly difficult age. Three year olds are usually loud, they are mobile and so your house has to be safe, and they are not as cute as babies and you also don't get the lovely cuddles that you get from babies,

It's quite possible - quite likely even - that he is shell shocked by how constantly on a three year old is and how little he gets back from her. Parenting is almost by definition putting in vast, vast amounts of effort for very little return from the children. If you are already attached to the child it's not an issue. If you are not.... then you might well wonder why you are doing so much for someone who doesn't seem to appreciate it.

I think you need to have a conversation with him.

He's obviously not a natural parent. He might want to put in the effort and try to become a good parent or he might not.

And you forgave him for the way he treated your child?