Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

God, yes. So fucked up to work through problems with your family 🙄
I‘ll leave you to it, good luck, sounds like you need it with that attitude.

Ugh this is horrible. I feel crying for your daughter.

although I love kids I personally don’t date men with kids as I don’t have kids myself and don’t want the hassle of being the stepmom etc tbh, but if I ever did make an exception I’d be all in and treat them well.

If he didn’t want to live and interact with a child in his home he shouldn’t have bought your house.

If you have kids together his kid will be treated like a human while yours is a second class citizen.

Get out as soon as you can.

I'm lost for words that you think this is a success story. Your poor daughter.

OP, you need to put aside any feelings of embarassment and "what are people going to say" worries, and step in here before your DD is affected by any of this. She's young and will adapt very quickly.

My Mum met someone when I was a teen. He was a relative of my best friend, so was always jolly, chatty and acted like he really liked my sister and I. Until he moved in - and he was vile. Mum kept having to have little talks to us both and we ended up frightened to come out of our rooms let alone use the bathroom as that appeared to upset him the most. We spent too long in the bath, too long having a wee, and god forbid we'd put a tampon/towel wrapper in the lidded/bagged bin. It was horrible and I left home very quickly after he moved in.

I think you have a really good grip on the situation and what's going on.

It does sound to me that his behaviour is coming from a general unhappiness with the situation.

I think a tough conversation is in order. Where you make it clear that children need consistency and if he can't deliver that then it's a deal breaker for you. If he isn't happy or attempting to make things work then maybe its time to go your separate ways.

It's an expensive mistake but don't forget if you get on the wrong train the sooner you get off the cheaper the return ticket is.

I suspect the reality of living with a small child has hit home and he’s regretting it. I’d be getting out before it messes up your daughter.

I'm sorry but this really isn't the positive story that you think it is. Your 8 year old was forced to endure a hostile unbearable living situation for years while you waited it out, and then slowly things improved. I don't think things just improved - I suspect what happened was that, like many children living in an abusive unsafe household, your daughter learned how to compromise and appease him to protect herself. How could you stay with a man who is calling your daughter names? I don't get it, but if your message to the OP is to wait it out like you did, I'm sorry but that is terrible advice.

Your child was subjected to a year or more of verbal and emotional abuse, but its ok because she has a dad now?! Yes that is fucked.

Whatever you do, please don't get pregnant. It will make everything 100 times worse. I agree with others, you need to get yourself and your daughter out so that she can grow up in an emotionally safe place. 3 year olds already understand quite a bit.

I would sit him down when dd is in bed and acknowledge he is deeply unhappy and this is nothing like he imagined, it needs a mature approach and tell him you also agree, it isn’t working out.
As sad as it is, it would be best to end things now.
No blame.
Either he buys you out, or the house goes on the market on Monday.
I would aim to move out asap. This is awful for your dd and toxic.

I'm so worried for you op. Please get out.
This behaviour is abuse. The care of children is not a game.
If you have a good renting history you'll get another let.
Don't be embarrassed. We all make mistakes. I once went on holiday with a psychopath. He tried to strangle me. I dobbed him in to his boss and the rozzers. I hope the little shit never married. My mum was a copper but I didn't smell a rat at that point.
Your daughter doesn't derseve this treatment by anyone least a grown man. I wonder what he wanted from you if it wasn't money?
Best to get away before you fall pregnant. Ask relatives or friends for help. He's a w*nker. You deserve better.

OP, tell him calmly and without drama that you will be leaving as its not working out. You will feel such a sense of relief once you have made the decision and verbalise this to him. I suspect he will be relieved too. If your gut is giving you such a strong message, it is not wrong! It doesn't matter how beautiful the house is if you and daughter are walking on eggshells.
Things practically may be tough for a bit but you are still young, plenty of time to change trajectory of your life. Do not stay out of fear of stepping into the unknown. Good luck OP

You’re incredibly rude. And wrong. I made the correct decisions and my daughter did not come to harm. If you had read my post properly you’d see that I did not “allow it”. He did it on one occasion and I packed our bags. He apologised and hasn’t done it since. Mind your own business, and stop projecting your own failures onto other people’s experiences.

How long has it been since you moved into your new house OP?

Being a stepparent or bonus parent or whatever your DP now is is not for the faint hearted. You are living with a child you do not know and have no love for. Kids are annoying. It’s hard enough with your own kids. The reality is this won’t improve, so you either deal with what you have or move out. That’s your options.

I'm sorry the illusion has been shattered but trust your gut.

I think he might feel relieved too.

That really doesn't sound a good environment for you and your daughter.dont look for excuses to justify his behaviour I don't mean that is a bad way for example saying she's hard going the way he's treating you both is awful and you deserve better

Dexter77. There are many types of harm , and your daughter is still young.

Lashing out at people telling the truth of that does not make it less true

This will not get better. Your priority is to your daughter. Do you have any family nearby you could stay with temporarily while you sort out alternative accommodation and sell the house? She is only three and a half; she will likely not remember much of this, so don't worry about leaving the "beautiful house and nursery' none of that means anything. Her home is the important thing, and if the atmosphere there is not right that is the thing that will stick with her as she grows up. It will be hard initially for you, financially. But it won't be forever. Whats the other option? Stay with this emotionally abusive jerk and hope for the best? No.

We all make mistakes op. You will find another lovely house in time, and your dd will be happy and well rounded and not damaged by her abusive stepfather.