Moved in with partner and I might have made a huge mistake…

[haveimadeamistake]

Moved in with my partner a month ago and I feel sick to my stomach that I’ve made a huge, huge mistake. I have a 3 and a half year old, he’s always been amazing with her but since we moved in it’s like a switch has been flipped. Some days he just won’t even acknowledge her, but others he’ll sit down and play puzzles with her or teach her things. I can’t deal with not knowing what version we’re going to get, I feel like I’m on eggshells and I hate that my daughter is getting this hot/cold treatment. He says he’s struggling to adjust to having his routine etc upended, and when I ask him if he can make more effort with her, he says that she doesn’t speak to him so why should he - she’s 3 and he’s a grown adult! To clarify, I don’t expect him to step into any sort of parenting role - I just want him to try and make an effort to make her feel welcome in her own home…

Weve had so many conversations about it, and it seems like he takes it on board but after a day or two, it’s back to how it was. I hate it. I feel like he sees her as a nuisance. I just feel like this situation isn’t what I signed up for, it’s not how he was before we moved in. Even things like his hobbies, he said he did xyz on Wednesday evenings and went to the gym after work - he’s done none of this.

I know 100% I need to put my daughter first, but I’m torn between whether that means sticking this out and giving her a beautiful home in a beautiful place (she’s just moved nursery and absolutely loves it here!) or cutting my losses and going back to it just being the 2 of us. To complicate matters further, we bought this place and I would be in no position to buy another property if we split - he paid 100% of the deposit so I have no equity in the house…

I just feel sick. I want things to get better. Also to clarify, he isn’t and never has been violent to either of us and that isn’t a concern I have. I just don’t know if he’s ever going to be able to get used to this being his new way of life!

Yes you’ve made a mistake. The quicker you rectify it the better. Beware of the sunken-cost fallacy.

This is terrible for your daughter as you know.

Oh dear OP did you not live together first in a rental to see how the set up worked before you moved in together? He’s not cut out to be a loving stepdad, you and your dd need to get away from him, how awful ignoring that poor little girl. He should have known before he bought with you, that you and her come as a package and he needed to b loving and kind to both of you. I think it’s good you’d have to sell, start the ball rolling. Go see a solicitor asap and find out where u stand, this relationship isn’t going anywhere!!

Move back out .
You can still continue the relationship- if you want to

Huge mistake. Get your poor kid the fuck out of there. A nice big house, nursery, and all the other material things in the world will not compensate for the damage this will do to her if you stay.

I would be out of there like a shot.

I moved in with my DP last year. It’s horrible to live in a situation that makes you anxious.
We had only been dating a year. I have no kids. Our situation was slightly different as I sold my house and was buying a new one. I was with him for 8 months. It fell apart 2 months after I moved in. The plan was to trial living together and then move into mine whilst he rented his out.

he never included me in his life. We lived separately. He said he struggled to compromise and share his space. I was his maid as he did no chores or cooking.

I could move out as couldn’t find a short term rent. When I moved out we broke up, albeit for 4 weeks. He said he felt the relationship failed as I bought a house. In his head I would live in his house in his area forever. My head I was following the plan we made.

we are now back together in separate houses. It works for us. He spends 75% of his time at mine. We have our own space. We moved in too quickly.

but it sucks waking on eggshells. Takes more energy than being happy. Take your time and find a place. I am much happier in my own house.

Yes, I did. Because I know he is sorry and did it not on purpose or because he’s a bad person but out of frustration and anger, because he couldn’t cope with the situation and felt overwhelmed. He made some grave mistakes and he knows I feel this way, but he has made up for them and changed.

@WynterQueen i agree with you, and I am present. I don’t encourage her to pester him. I think what’s confusing is that she seems to adore him, she’s used to him carrying her on his shoulders, showing her things, playing puzzles with her. And now that we’ve moved in, he’s stopped doing a lot of this. She can’t really understand that so she’s still looking to him for these things, and getting nothing from him most days. This is what I’m finding the most difficult, the shift from one extreme to the other - it would be easier if he had never built a relationship with her at all, compared to the hot/cold relationship he now has.

I really do want to give it time to see if it gets better, but the way he’s acting is even putting me off him. We barely even sleep together. I just need to put some practical steps in place I think to prepare for the worst. :(

Living with a child is a huge step. I had children with someone who blew hot and cold with them and it was hard. I didn’t know he was going to be like that obviously. The not even acknowledging her is awful op. If a friend came over and was busy talking to you would he do the same? Some adults cannot understand the difference between adult and child behaviour sadly.

He wouldn’t be approved for the mortgage alone

You've been used. He needed a second income to buy the dream house.

I'm not suggesting it was a coldly calculated plan - he may well have believed he could make it work, and wanted to. I am suggesting this move was not born of pure desire to live with you and your little girl as a happy, unified family., but more out of practicality with DD as a necessary evil. He may well want to make the best of things, but he isn't. You and she deserve more than that.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to become a wonderful stepfather. I'm very sorry.

My god, make plans and LEAVE! Put your DD first - this is awful for her.

This is absolutely awful. I really feel for your daughter.

He clearly resents her and is possibly jealous.

Remember that your child cannot chose who is in her life but you can and this is something you are choosing to expose her to.

That house is not worth going through what you are currently

Very few men are much good with children who aren't their own. Sad but true.

Sorry but he sounds horrible, your poor little girl and poor you having to manage all this. He comes across as a selfish empathy free person with no self awareness or ability to see things from your daughter's point of view which is essential when relating to children. I really feel for you, you must have been executed to have this new life for you and your little one but if he is like this after just a month then I think he us going to get worse, What do you imaging he will be like if she is unwell, if she just has one of those "off" days that chikren have when they are tired, extra demanding and nothing settles them? I can't see him helping and worse than that I can see him blaming you and your child

It’s all explained in the step parenting handbook.

Pretent to be enchanted with the kids to win their parent’s affection. All move in together. No need to pretend anymore. Bonus points for adultifying the child.

There are a few lovely step parents but they are few and far between.

OP The fact that your daughter adores him makes it worse. I am amazed you don’t see that.

You have moved this man in with her, he is confusing her with blowing hot and cold and she doesn’t have the language or emotional maturity to understand why. So she will be blaming herself.

If this situation continues her self esteem will be wrecked.

You have made a mistake, we all do. Yo need to correct it

I think that the choices are these.

You are inconvenienced and a bit embarrassed by having to get out and live somewhere less nice.

That feeling will last a year or two.

Your daughter grows up feeling that she has to tiptoe in her own home, and her stepdad doesn't want her, and her mum should have protected her from that and made things right, because that's what mums are supposed to do.

That feeling will last forever.

I’ve been the unwanted step child, OP, and unwanted quickly went to emotionally and psychologically abused.

And like your partner- my stepfather COULD be amazing. When he wanted. On his terms.

And all that that made me feel, and makes me feel to this day, is that being a cunt to me, a 7 year old girl, was a choice. All the good days proved, was that he chose to abuse me on the other days- of which there were vastly more.

Sorry if this is upsetting to hear, but think how many children have been abused and killed in the last few years, and ask yourself what the common factor tends to be? Its step parents, or partners of parents.

This is the extreme end of what could happen in your situation, sure. Far more likely is that he just keeps blowing hot and cold, ignoring your child and withdrawing from you. But isn’t that bad enough in itself? And with all of the additional risk to your daughter - as small statistically as that may be- why on earth would you risk it? For a fucking house?

When he ignores her , do you say it to him? If you don't then I'd start every single time. Sorry dave Sofia is talking to you, did you not hear her ?

I just find it all so fucking exhausting. :(

I'm sure it's worse for dd.

Don't wait until it escalates, or until her father spots the signs and you lose custody.

@haveimadeamistake is your EXH aware of how his DD is being treated?

Uh, no, buying a house with a partner to move in for the first time together when you have a child is not a reasonable decision, ever. It was absolutely a mistake and OP needs to own that, not be soft soaped.

You need to get her out of there. You know this. You need to act sooner rather than later, the longer you leave it the more entrenched you will get and the less clear it will become.

You've made a mistake, you're allowed to change your mind, in fact you absolutely must change your mind when you have a 3 year old in the firing line as you do.

Get out, start again, no it isn't what you wanted, but it's what you've got and it's your responsiblility to deal with it.

I can’t believe you continued that relationship, your poor dd! She’s was 8, and felt unloved cause he ignored her, made his own breakfast but not hers, called her names etc!!

Better to be in a shitty house alone then in a nice house with a shit.

I've got a feeling you're the one who had a post deleted on Friday.